Dear Kitten, you've probably noticed that there's a new "thing" in the house. It is called "a dog." And I know this because before you, I had a best friend named Peanut. Rest in peace. At first I assumed Peanut was just a very ugly cat, charming in his own way, but terrible breath. Awful. So kitten, here are some things that you need to know.
亲爱的小猫，你大概已经发现这房子里有一个新来的“东西”。 它叫做“一只狗”。而我会知道这事，是因为在你之前，我有一个最要好的朋友叫花生。愿它安息。起初我以为花生只是一只非常丑的猫，以它特有的方式吸引人，但有可怕的口臭。糟透了。所以小猫，这里有几件你必须得知道的事。
Dear Kitten, imagine a cat. Now take away independence, cleanliness, and intelligence. What you have left is basically a dog. Here's an example. Yesterday, I saw the dog sitting on his butt scooching forward with his front paws. And he looked over at me, and you know what he said? He said, "Check it out. I'm walking on two legs, just like the peoples do." I mean, that gives you an idea what we're dealing with here.
亲爱的小猫，想像一只猫。 现在拿掉独立、干净、以及智慧。你剩下来的那些特质基本上就是一只狗。这里有个例子。在昨天，我看到那狗屁股坐着用它的前掌蠕动前进。然后它看向我，你知道它说了什么吗？它说：“你看。我用两只腿在走路，就像人一样耶(注一)。”我的意思是，那给了你一些概念了解我们现在是在和什么打交道。
Dear Kitten, you might see me get a little "Ninja Crazy Town" now and then, you know, like a woo-cha...woo...Don't get freaked out. I'm just expressing dominance, which is—oh my...no. You are not good at that. That was actually worse. It looked like your spine just sneezed. No, boy.
亲爱的小猫，你可能偶尔会看到我变得有一点点“疯狂忍者镇”，你知道，像是哇喳...喔呜...不要吓傻。我只是在宣示主权而已，也就是－－喔我的天...不。你不擅长那样做。那样其实还更糟。那看起来像你的脊椎刚打了个喷嚏似的。不，小伙子。
Dear Kitten, you might hear the phrase "a dog is a man's best friend." That is, frankly, incredible marketing on their part. I don't know how they did it. They're certainly not buying ads in the newspaper. I mean, have you seen what they do with newspapers? Trust me, it's the opposite of reading, if you know what I mean. I mean, they poop on them.
亲爱的小猫，你可能听过一种说法“狗是人类最好的朋友”。那真是，坦白讲，就它们来说真是令人无法置信的行销手法。我不晓得它们怎么做到的。它们肯定没在买报纸上的广告啊。我是说，你曾见过它们拿报纸来做什么吗？相信我，那是和阅读截然相反的事，如果你懂我意思的话。我是指，它们在报纸上便便。
Dear Kitten, the dog is the sort of creature that will decide whether it should put something in its mouth by putting it in its mouth. That's the level of decision-making that goes on. They basically eat everything, case in point, butt paper. They even eat those weird, brown, dehydrated, pip nuggets that the humans give us. Don't get mad. Let the dog eat all of our dried food. If it gets caught, it gets put in jail, and right then we can enjoy the moist deliciousness of the can without interruption. It's a gambit.
亲爱的小猫，狗是那一种会把东西放到它嘴里来决定它应不应该把某样东西放进它嘴里的生物。那就是它进行决策的水准。它们基本上什么都吃，最佳的例子，就是擦屁股的纸。它们甚至吃人类给我们的那些古怪、褐色、脱水、一粒粒的食物块。不要生气。让狗吃掉我们所有干粮。如果它被抓包，它就会被关进监狱，然后到时我们就可以不受打扰地享用罐头里多汁的美味。这是种策略。
Dear Kitten, you may hear the dog being referred to as a "puppy," which I think is some sort of a French way of saying "puppet." This explains why they attach that string to him from time to time—worst marionette ever, if you ask me. But the point is that if they try to put that string on you, just freeze. You don't want to get into show business, trust me.
亲爱的小猫，你可能听过那狗被叫成一只“小狗狗”，我想那是某种用法语讲“布偶”的方式。这解释为什么人们有时装那条绳子在它身上－－我会说它是史上最糟的傀儡娃娃，如果你问我的话。但重点是，如果他们试着把那条绳子放你身上的话，就静止不动。你可不想从事演艺事业，相信我。
Dear Kitten, yes, the dog can be cuddly at times. I mean, just today it came over and it started licking me inside of my ears. Was it weird? Yes. But also rather pleasant. Don't judge. When they get happy, stay to the front, because their tails become some sort of a weird, psycho, furious sword. And I've seen them take the legs right out from under a baby.
亲爱的小猫，是的，狗有时是满逗人喜爱的。我是说，今天它才靠过来然后它开始舔我耳朵里面。那奇怪吗？怪。但也满舒服的。不淮评论。当它们高兴起来，待在它的正面，因为它们的尾巴会变成某一种奇怪、神经病、疯狂的毛茸茸剑。而且我还看过它们的尾巴攻击一个宝宝的腿害他跌倒。
Dear Kitten, our lives just got a bit more difficult, and alone time will be harder to find. But at least we can rest assured that the humans won't get too lonely during our naps. And perhaps that is enough. Weeha! That's right, doggy. Bow down.
亲爱的小猫，我们的生活刚变得困难了些，而且独处的时光会更难找到。但至少我们可以放心人类不会在我们午睡时觉得太孤单。而或许那就够了。咿哈!没错，小狗狗。鞠躬吧。
评论
打印
