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I don't know if you heard, you probably heard, maybe you heard, I have a new stand up special on Netflix.
不知道大家有没有听说 可能听说了 我在Netflix上有一个新的单口相声特别秀
Yep. My original pitch was a true crime documentary where I crack unsolved murders.
对 我的素材原型是一个真实的犯罪纪录片 抓捕未归案的杀手
There was one in Michigan, and it was called Hell Freezes Over.
有一个人在墨西哥 他叫“冰封地狱”
But the detective I was working with double crossed me, and two of my sources disappeared.
但是跟我共事的侦探出卖了我 我的两名线人也消失了
So I made a stand up special instead.
于是我就做了个单口相声特别秀
Because Netflix had paid me already.
因为Netflix早就给过我钱了
So I had to come up with something.
我得想出个作品来
My special's called Relatable, and if you haven't seen it yet,
我的特别秀叫Relatable 如果大家还没看过
it came out December 18th, would you like to see a little bit of it?
它是12月18日开播的 大家想不想现在看点儿？
I was hoping you'd say that. So here's a little bit.
就猜到你们会这么说 这是一小段
Yeah, I can't-- when I'm in traffic, here's the thing, I love to drive.
嗯 我 我开车的时候 是这样 我喜欢开车
And I like to drive fast. And I'm safe, but I do like to go fast.
我还喜欢飙车 我很安全 但我就是喜欢开很快
And so slow drivers irritate me because they're going so slow.
所以开车慢的人总是让我很毛 就是因为他们慢吞吞的
And let's be honest, it's usually a Prius. Isn't it? It's a--
说真的 这种车通常都是普锐斯（日本汽车） 对吧？
They got the coexist bumper sticker on the back,
他们会在车屁股上贴上和平共处的车尾贴
listening to NPR, knitting a hemp scarf.
听着国家公共电台（NPR） 织着麻布围巾
If I see a Prius going fast, I'm like, good for you!
如果让我看见开得快的普锐斯 我绝对会给它点赞
I don't know why it is whenever we pass someone going slow,
我不知道为啥每次我们超过开车慢的人的时候
we have to see what they look like.
总要看看他们长啥样
We're always like, that's what you look like.
我们总会想 原来你长这样
I thought so. I thought--
我猜你就长这样 我想对了
There's nothing more embarrassing than when you pass up a slow driver to show them the proper way of driving.
没有什么比超过一个开车很慢的司机 告诉他们正确的开车方式还要尴尬了
You go around them and show them how they should be driving.
你超过他们 给他们演示应该如何开车
And then, you hit a red light, and you're watching them slowly creep up in your rear view mirror,
然后 你遇到了红灯 从后视镜里看着他们慢慢地跟了上来
and you're just-- please change, please change, please change.
然后你 快变灯 快变灯 快变灯
And the light doesn't change, so they just creep up alongside of you.
但是红灯就是不变 于是他们慢慢地溜到了你身边
I'm just going to look down here and touch that.
我要低头看看这里 摸摸那个
I'm gonna see what that is right there with that because I have to see this.
我看看这是啥 那是个什么 我想看看
And now I know you're next to me, but you're still wrong even though you caught up.
我知道你就在我旁边 虽然你追上来了 但你还是错的
And I'm going to do that with my finger for a while because--
我先玩会儿手指
Thank you. So stand up used to be my life.
谢谢大家 单口相声曾是我的全部
I mean, that, is how I started my career.
我就是从它开始起步的
I did it forever, and then I became famous.
我随时随地都在说单口相声 后来我就出名了
And then, a lot of comedy clubs started painting portraits of me on their walls next to other famous comedians.
然后 很多喜剧俱乐部开始在墙上画我的肖像 就画在其他最出名的喜剧演员旁边
And I don't know how to put this, but I wish they wouldn't.
我不知道怎么说 但我宁愿他们不要画我
I photograph very well. I was a CoverGirl, I'm on TV, I'm photogenic.
我照相很好看 我当过封面女郎 天天上电视 我很上相
But for some reason, it's hard to draw me.
但不知道为什么 我很难画
And I'm just not draw-o-genic, I guess.
可能我天生就不适合被画出来吧
It's more of the artist's fault than mine.
这都是艺术家的错 不怪我
I'm going to show you what I mean. This is a portrait of me.
给大家看看我是啥意思 这是一张我的肖像
It was painted on the side of the improv here in Los Angeles.
就画在洛杉矶的即兴表演旁边
OK. Yeah. That's back when I was tweezing my eyebrows.
嗯 对 那时候我还修眉呢
And I-- this is true nowadays when I go to get my haircut, I bring this, and I say, not that.
这是真的 现在我去剪头发的时候 都会带上这张照片 告诉他们我不长这样
Then they painted over that, and updated it to this.
然后他们就在原作上重新画了一张 变成了这样
That's me and my famous guitar right there.
那是我和我著名的吉他
That's like a lesbian Johnny Cash, I am.
看起来像女同版的约翰尼·卡什
I don't play guitar, I never have, I don't own a guitar.
我不会弹吉他 我从来就没买过吉他
Finally, this is from the Loony Bin.
最后 这个来自Loony Bin
It's a name of the club in Oklahoma City.
是俄克拉荷马市的一家俱乐部
Yeah. It looks like I ate some bad shellfish right there.
没错 看起来像是我吃了一些腐坏的贝壳一样
That's-- In their defense, cinder block is hard to work with. It really is.
用他们的话说 在煤渣砖上作画难度比较大 真的
