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Thank me. Thank me. Thank me very much for tuning in. Welcome to Impeachment After Dark Live,
谢谢我，谢谢我，谢谢我观看这个节目，欢迎来到《灰色现场后的弹劾》节目，
The only show that recaps the very mean, very nasty things Democrats said about me at today's impeachment hearings.
这是唯一一个概括民主党今天在弹劾听证会上丑陋，肮脏话语的节目。
And before we go any further, yes, I got this aftershow idea from Andy Cohen...or as I call him, Opposite Mike Pence.
在我们继续节目之前，没错，我是从安迪·科恩身上得到的节目灵感，或者我称他为麦克·彭斯的相反版。
Now, I admit, folks, I thought this whole impeachment thing would go away by now,
好吧，我承认朋友们，我认为整个弹劾事件到目前为止要结束了，
like a common cold, or a second wife. But yet, here we are. And worse, now you can't even get the truth from shows like Fox and Frenemies.
就像普通感冒或是第二任妻子一样，但好吧，它没有结束，严重的是，你甚至无法在福克斯和《亦敌亦友》中听到真话。
Even though I am totally innocent, and legally handsome, I have to take matters into my own huge hands.
即使我完全无辜，而且从法律上来讲我很帅，有些事情我还是要亲力亲为。
And I'll be honest, today's hearings had me on the edge of my seat, like when Rudy Giuliani goes on Fox News,
我承认，今天的听证会把我推到了座位的边缘，就像卢迪·朱利安尼在福克斯说的，
or when Stephen Miller texts me kk. Stop right there, Stephen. But let's just jump into it.
或者像史蒂芬·米勒给我发的短信，上面写着“好吧”，停止吧史蒂芬，让我们进入主题。
The impeachment hearings began this afternoon. And just as I suspected, it started out totally full of Schiff.
弹劾听证会是今天下午开始的，就像我怀疑的一样，开始时就充斥着希夫。
At first, I wasn't going...It wasn't going so well for me. Take a look at what Kent said.
首先，我不想要，开始就对我不利，来看看肯特是如何说的。
Over the course of 2018 and 2019, I became increasingly aware of an effort by Rudy Giuliani and others to smear Ambassador Yovanovitch
在2018-2019年间，我逐渐意识到朱利安尼和其他人正在试图诋毁大使约瓦诺维奇，
and other officials at the U.S. Embassy in Kyiv. Really, folks? You're gonna take foreign policy advice from Orville Impeachmentbacher?
以及其他美国驻基辅的官员，真的吗朋友们？你会从奥维尔·弹劾巴赫尔那里获取外交政策建议？
Anyway, then, Ambassador Taylor's testimony was even harsher on me...very nasty.
无论如何，大使泰勒的证词对我更不利了，很恶心。
But eventually, he came around to my side. President Trump's actions were clearly correct.
但最后，他又支持了我，特朗普总统的行为很正确。
And he is also very, very...Handsome. There you have it, folks.
他真的非常，非常帅，你听到了吧，朋友们。
Trump's here to stay. I'll be president for four more years. Then, I'll do eight years as Kanye's V.P.
小特在这里声明，我还要再当四年总统，之后，我要做八年的维斯特副总裁。
And then, I'll finally harden into a ball of hairspray, and get laid to rest on a Florida golf course.
之后，我会变成坚硬的发胶球，之后躺在佛州的高尔夫球场上休息。
It's the American dream, folks. I need some water. Where's my assistant? Where's my new assistant? Thank you.
这是美国梦想，朋友们，我需要一些水，我的助理在哪？我的新助理在哪？谢谢。
Water. Water. No. No. No. Water. Thank you. Yes.
水，水，不是，不是，水，谢谢，没错。
So, in summary, if you're still wondering if I'm guilty, all I have to say is, read the transcript. Read the transcript.
所以总之，如果你还在想我是不是有罪，我要说的是看我的整理稿，看我的整理稿。
Now, I have to go meet with the Turkish president, President Hair Dragon. It's...It's... It's Erdogan. Err-duh-Gone. Yep, sure.
现在，我要去见土耳其总统，龙发总统，不是，是埃尔多安，埃尔多安总统，当然。
He's the president of Turkey, folks, so I have to do it fast, before he's eaten on Thanksgiving.
他是土耳其总统，朋友们，我要快一点，要在他吃感恩节晚餐之前。
And there's one more..There's one more thing. Just close the show. Oh, that's right.
还有一件事情，还有一件，结束这个节目，没错。
The Tonight Show is coming to you from New York City. It's happening right now. Let's start the show, everybody! Let's go!
这是纽约今夜秀的报道，我们现场直播，大幕拉开，朋友们，走起。
