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Guys, like I mentioned before, President Trump was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize today, and he's so confident he's gonna win,
各位，就像我之前提到的，特朗普总统今天被提名诺贝尔和平奖，他很有信心他会赢，
he already has his acceptance speech written out. In fact, earlier today, he was practicing in front of the mirror, and we got the footage. Check it out.
他的获奖感言已经写好了。事实上，今天早些时候，他在镜子前练习，我们拿到了录像，来看看。
Ladies and gentlemen of the Nobel committee, what an honor. I love Barnes & Nobel. Great toy section.
诺贝尔委员会的女士们先生们，真是荣幸。我喜欢巴恩斯&诺贝尔。很棒的玩具区。
Not sure about Barnes, but I love Nobel. I don't know Barnes. Met him once. But we're not here to talk about Barnes, are we?
不知道巴恩斯，但我喜欢诺贝尔。我不认识巴恩斯。见过他一次。但我们不是来讨论巴恩斯的，对吧？
We're here to talk about me, the winner of the Nobel Peace Prize. It's great to be here in beautiful, fantastic Norway. We love Norway. Don't we?
我们是来谈谈我，诺贝尔和平奖得主。很高兴来到美丽迷人的挪威。我们爱挪威。我们不是吗？
Love the fuh-jords. But you know who never visited Norway, by the way? Hillary. Throwback to that. I'm playing all the hits tonight, folks. All the hits.
我爱峡湾子...。但是你知道谁从来没有去过挪威吗？希拉里。回到主题来，伙计们，今晚我要演奏所有的热门歌曲。所有的热门。
Buckle up. I got to be honest, this award came at the perfect time. For a second there, I almost thought I was doing a bad job as president.
系好安全带。老实说，这个奖来得正是时候。在那一刻，我几乎认为我作为总统做得不好。
Can you believe that? But you're right...I'm amazing. And I deserve this award for many reasons.
你能相信吗？但你是对的，我太棒了。我应该获此殊荣，而且原因很多。
For one, I finally brought peace between the Arabs and Jews. We love the Jewish people, or as I call them the Yo-semites.
首先，我终于在阿拉伯人和犹太人之间带来了和平。我们爱犹太人，或者我称之为约塞米拉公园。
And now they're getting along great with the United Arab Erimates. Emirates? United Arab Erima...
现在他们和阿拉伯联合酋长相处得很好。酋长？阿拉伯联合会。。。
Until this morning, I thought itwas a European soccer team. We're currently looking into that. Are we looking into it?
直到今天早上，我还以为是欧洲足球队。我们目前正在调查。我们在调查吗？
But what about education, folks? Under my administration, there have been so many books written about me... committing treason.
但是教育呢，伙计们？在我的管理下，有很多关于我的书。。。说我犯叛国罪。
Michael Cohen wrote one, John Bolton, one of my hotter nieces. So many...jobs created.
迈克尔·科恩写了一个，约翰·博尔顿，我的一个更性感的侄女。创造了这么多…工作机会。
So many Showtime movies adapted. And then, of course, my biggest triumph. Of course, I'm talking about vitamin C. The nana.
许多美国电视网的电影都是改编的，当然，还有我最大的胜利。当然，我说的是《橘子郡男孩》。
The Big Ronie, as many people refer to it, coronavirus. And now folks are mad because Bob Woodward,
许多人将冠状病毒看作是“大块罗尼”，现在大家都很生气，因为鲍勃·伍德沃德，
Bob Woodward has me on tape saying I knew it would be deadly back in February.
鲍勃·伍德沃德录了我的录像，说我知道在二月份我就知道那会是致命的。
But to those folks, I say, called it. Remember that. Big victory. Big victory, folks.
但对那些人，我说，记住这一点。大胜利。大获全胜，伙计们。
But this celebration is bittersweet, folks. Let me just be clear...and let me just..clear my nose for a second.
但这次庆祝是喜忧参半的，伙计们。让我说清楚…让我…清理一下我的鼻子。
It's a sad day for America. I'm sure you've heard Keeping Up with the Kardashians is ending its run as one of the greatest shows in the history of broadcasting.
对美国来说这是一个悲伤的日子。我肯定你听说过《与卡戴珊姐妹同行》将结束它作为广播史上最伟大的节目之一的播出。
No more Kim, no more Kris, no more Khloe with her sassy remarks.
再也没有金姆，没有克丽丝，再也没有科勒的粗话。
I wish them all well and invite each and every one of them to join my cabinet.
我祝愿他们一切顺利，并邀请他们每一个人加入我的内阁。
Finally, to all the little boys and girls out there who want to be president, but let's be honest,
最后，对所有想当总统的小男孩女孩们说，说真的，
some people say it should only be boys, I don't know. Some people say. Some people say that.
有人说应该是男孩，我不知道。有人这么说，有人那么说。
To all the little boys, let this be a reminder that you can cyberbully your way to a Nobel Peace Prize.
对所有的小男孩们来说，让这件事提醒你，你可以通过网络欺凌的方式获得诺贝尔和平奖。
Just remember, be best. And if that's not working, be a little less best.
记住，做最好的。如果这不管用，那就不要那么优秀。
So, in conclusion, peace in the Mideast, Keeping Up is deceased, and as always, no ramps for my feets. Invisible mic drop.
所以，总而言之，中东的和平，《与卡戴珊姐妹同行》结束了，像往常一样，我的演讲结束了。
