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Hi, I'm Jimmy Kimmel. I host a show on TV, which is that big shiny, black thing your parents watch.
嗨，我是吉米·鸡毛。我主持一个电视节目，就是你们父母看的那种又大又亮又黑的节目。
I put on this robe, I could only find a bath robe, and I made this cap out of a pizza box to say congratulations to those of you who graduated,
我穿上这件长袍，我只能找到一件浴袍，我用披萨盒做了这顶帽子来祝贺你们这些毕业生，
even those who barely graduated, even those of you who got a diploma because your teacher said, "I do not want to deal with this kid again next year. Let's just graduate him."
包括那些差点儿没毕业的，还有那些因为老师说“明年我不想再和这个孩子打交道了”所以才拿到了毕业证的学生。我们祝贺他们。
That's an accomplishment in and of itself, to be so annoying, someone gives you something you don't deserve just to get you to go away. It's a lot like sales, really.
这本身就是一项成就，让人讨厌的是，他们给你你不值得拥有的东西只是为了让你走开，这很像销售，真的。
But how you got through school, at this point, doesn't matter. Graduation shows you can finish something.
不过在现在这个阶段，你是怎么拿到毕业证的已经不重要了，毕业就说明你能完成一些事。
Now what you have to do is work, assuming you can get a job. And I know it might not feel likely right now, but you are gonna get a job.
现在你要做的就是工作，假设你能找到一份工作的话。我知道现在不太可能，但你会找到工作的。
Unless you majored in philosophy, then forget about it.
除非你的专业是哲学，那就放弃吧。
But when you do get that job, there's one piece of advice that I think is the most important bit of knowledge and awareness any American in the workplace can have,
但当你得到这份工作时，有一条建议，我认为是任何美国职场人士都应该具备的最重要的知识和意识，
and listen closely, 'cause this is something you should never forget.
请仔细听，因为这是你应该永远记住的。
Whether you're dealing with your boss, customers, clients, your coworkers, anyone you do business with, remember this. Never show up late with a coffee in your hand.
无论你是和你的老板、顾客、客户、同事还是任何跟你有业务往来的人打交道，记住这一点，千万不要手里拿着咖啡迟到。
The message when you do that is, "You are not as important to me as this iced vanilla latte.
如果你这么做了，那就说明：“对我来说你没有这杯冰香草拿铁重要。
Instead of being here when I was supposed to be here, I stopped at Starbucks because I don't have time for you. I do have plenty of time for me."
我没有在规定的时间来到公司，而是在星巴克停了下来，因为我没有时间为你服务，但我有时间为自己服务。”
You got it? That's all you need to know. Now if you show up late with an injured squirrel, that's a different story. Then you're a hero.
明白了吗？这就是你们需要知道的。如果你带着一只受伤的松鼠迟到那就另当别论了，那你就是英雄了。
Which is why I always keep a squirrel in my glove box. But coffee...
这就是为什么我的手套箱里总会放一只松鼠。但是咖啡……
The only time it's okay to show up late with coffee is when you picked it up for everyone.
唯一允许你带着咖啡迟到的时候是你为大家拿咖啡的时候。
Otherwise, no. So, there you go. You're welcome. That's the secret.
否则，不行。所以，嗯，拿走不谢，这就是秘诀。
I know this is a lousy time to enter the real world, but years from now, think of this, you will have what few people do. A cool story.
我知道现在是进入现实世界的一个糟糕时期，但多年以后，想想看，你将拥有很少人会做的事情，一个很酷的故事。
Know what year I graduated high school? 1985. You know what the most interesting thing that happened in 1985 was?
知道我高中是哪一年毕业的吗？1985。你知道1985年发生的最有趣的事情是什么吗？
Police Academy 2. Look it up, okay? But when you tell people the year you graduated, everyone will want to know what it was like.
警察学校2。回去查一下，好吗？当你跟别人说你毕业那年的时候，所有人都会想知道那年是什么样子的。
Did you live underground? Did you used to touch hands with each other? Who'd you take to prom, your mom or your dad?
你住在地下室吗？你们彼此经常握手吗？你带谁去了舞会，老爸还是老妈？
Did the president really tell people to drink bleach? And you can answer. "No. Kind of. Mom." And, "Yes, he did."
总统真的告诉人们喝漂白剂吗？你可以回答他说：“不，偶尔握手，带老妈去的。”还有，“是的，他说了。”
Only you will be able to tell your grandchildren what it was like to be worried you'd run out of toilet paper even though you never ran out of toilet paper.
只有你才能告诉自己的孙子虽然从来没有用完卫生纸但会担心卫生纸用光是什么感觉。
But for a few tense weeks, you were making every square count. And I know you won't get to walk up on stage to accept your diploma.
但在紧张的几周里，你把每一件事都做得很好。我知道你们没有机会上台领毕业证书了。
You know you won't get a big ceremony. But you know what? Who cares? They're boring. You put on a robe, you get a piece of paper.
你知道自己不会有一个盛大的仪式。但你知道吗？谁在乎？太无聊了，穿一件长袍，拿一张纸。
Someone takes your picture, and your uncle gives you 50 bucks.
别人给你拍照，你叔叔给你50美元。
So, I think you're better off watching on your phone.
所以，我觉得用手机看看就可以了。
Now, I want you to go work hard, be strong, don't forget the coffee thing, and don't touch your face, okay? Your mother and I are very proud of you. Congratulations.
现在，你们要努力工作，要坚强，别忘了喝咖啡的事，还有，别摸自己的脸，好吗？我和你们的妈妈为你们感到非常地骄傲。祝贺你们！
