原文：

Personal statement

I was once a Chinese Cinderella. I struggled against my fate, and made myself a newlife. Life is an adventure, and my life is just as a computer game- startedwith a target and find a way to achieve it, then another new task and manage toactualize it. At first, the mission may vague, after wondering, confusing, struggling,self-exploration, however, one gets a clearer aim afterwards and find the meanto achieve them. After defeating allbarriers, eventually one reaches a successful end. This is atypical way to play computer games, and so do my life.

TPO小站修改意见：

开篇写得过为文艺，建议开篇段落一定要与LLM相关，建议修改。

Fifteen years ago, I was cutting candy paper in a small factory. I had graduated from middle school. As the first child in a four-child family, Ihad to leave school to help support my family. It was my responsibility to helpmy family out of financial difficulties. Due to my low education, the only jobI could find was manual work. I was cutting while crying inside.“Why other people can work in the office while I am noteligible? Am I inferior? Am I doomed to be a laborer?”I asked myself. To be a white collar and working in office seemsan impossible mission for me. At least, I thought at that time, Icould not be a white collar and this life would never be.“They have computerskills and it is a prerequisite for working in offices” Someone told me. Therewas a light. I decided to learn computer skills. I went to the computertraining company and registered with all the money I saved, 800 RMB. I wasworking during the days while learning computer skills at nights. Despite thehard life, I was on the way to my dream.

撰写这种经历，最好与你的目标相结合，比如说通过这样的经历，决定要帮助弱势群体什么的，注意精炼语句。

Fourteen years earlier, I was operating a computerized machine in atextile factory. My computer skills rewarded me with an easier job and a betterpay, though I was still a laborer. There was an office in front of my workplaceand white collar workers walked back and forth in front of me every day. “Whycannot I be one of them? ” I asked myself. They seemed not cleverer than I was.I could do a better job if only give me a chance. But the white collar jobshave position requirements, and one of them is the English skills. Knowing thiscritical requirement, I made up my mind to learn English. I studied English atnights and on weekends at a language training center where I have to take morethan one hour bus to get there. I had to hurry to the training center aftersomeone took my shift to get there on time. In spite of the hardship, I knew I wasgetting closer to my dream.

Ten years before, I was interviewing managerialcandidates for the sales department at a luxurious office with air conditioner,latest office equipment. I had been white collar for three years. I started as aclerk in human resource department (HR department), and I was, at that time, asupervisor in the HR department of Riyuegu Hotsprings Resort, a five-starhotel. I shuttled to and fro between the offices and managers. I knew where tofind the right person for the departments. I knew how to cater for the needs ofthe departments. I knew how to live as a white collar in a competitive company.I was a capable white collar. I made my dream come true. I should live as theprotagonists in the novels that happy forever. But why there was empty inside?I was not satisfied with the role of white collar anymore and thirsted for amore meaningful career and life. I noticed that there is a circle-a bottle-neckthat limited career and most people cannot break through, that I would end upas a white collar if I continue to work as an administrator. “How to break thiscircle” I think deeply. The answer is to pursuit further education. I managedto enroll Fujian Normal University as a part time student, and four yearslater, I got my B.A degree in English major. I knew I would have a brighterfuture.

Prior to seven years, I wasa foreigntrade woman in an optical company. My English major allowed me tocommunicate with foreigners and I was able to sale our sunglasses to our foreignclients through internet. I could arrange the shipment as well as customclearance. After three years of foreign trade experience, I was capable ofdoing business of my own-to start a small foreign trade firm and I was about todo so. Nevertheless, there was a financial crisis international wide in 2008.Foreign trade businesses were in depressing. So I gave up the original thinkingof setting my own business and changed to intellectual endeavors. There,nonetheless, was another factor that contributing to this decision. After doingas an administrator in Asian Innovative Technology and Minfa Group, Idiscovered that succeed in career alone could not satisfy me. I wanted more-amore challenging and meaningful life. I resolved to continue my master degreein law school of The University of Finance and Economics in 2010.

申请研究生，个人陈述的内容要具有一定的专业深度。第三段到这里为止，通篇都是讲个人的奋斗经历，但是却跟申请LLM没有直接关系。因此建议重新组织这部分内容。

The reason why I chose lawmajor as my master major was that when I worked as a board secretary in FujianMingfa Group in 2009, who was in the process of issuing its IPO in oversea, therewere lots of my daily work related to Company Acts law. I have enjoyed manyopportunities to learn about the Company Acts while developing an interest inlaw. It was at that time I came across law, got to know law, and enchanted bylaw. I wanted to be a lawyer.

Another reason that I wantedto be a lawyer was that I saw the power of law. Law is a weapon to protect theweak. There was a legal aid center in my law school and I used to do legal aidfor the people who need legal support and yet could not afford to pay alawyer. I helped some people out of their difficulties and my uncle was oneof them. My uncle was hit by a car when he drove a motor bicycle and was ratedthe 9th grading of the wounded and disabled. We sued to the local court andthen settled out of court after our negotiation with the defendant. We got80,000 RMB finally which was enough for his treatment. If there was no legalsupport, he may only get 20,000 to 30,000 like other people did when theysettled in private with their violator. In these cases, I witnessed the powerof law and what I can do for people in need. I have a fundamental belief in thelegal system and its ability to produce justice within our society and I know Iwill devote to the law in my future.

这里的案例建议往后挪，下边具体讲从事法律相关事业时候，用来凸显专业度。

To be a lawyer is not easy.I spent four years in passing the bar examination in China. The Chinese Bar Examinationis extremely difficult, and I failed three times. Despite the difficulty, Iknow I never give up because I love law, and I want to be a lawyer. I tried thefourth time in 2012, and I succeeded.

To be a great lawyerrequires a solid legal foundation. I studied pretty hard in my legal coursesand during the summer semester 2012, I began some research projects oninternational law, Rotterdam Rules- a treaty comprising international rulesthat revises the legal and political framework for maritime carriage of goods,under the direction of Dr. Xianming Shi. We compared legal provisions oncarriers and shippers, especially on the provisions of the basis of liabilityof the carrier, period of responsibility of the carrier, exemption of liabilityof the carrier and limits of liability of the carrier, in these three maritimelaws- The Hague Rules, The Hamburg Rules and The Rotterdam Rules, and evaluatedthe three maritime laws. Based on the research findings, I realized that thereis injustice between parties and nations. These maritime laws biases in thecarriers' favor and put the shippers at a serious disadvantage due to thereason that the powerful shipping countries against the undeveloped exportingcountries for their own interest. Both shippers and undeveloped exportingcountries are struggling for equality, and I want to devote myself to law forthe purpose of pursuing for equity and justice between parities, for a fairertrade between nations.

这部分内容顺序显得有些杂乱，关于学习相关的，建议内容往上调。

I am a good thinker and yeta better person of action. My life follows a pattern of target-finda way to realize-accomplish the goal. From a Cinderella to a white collar to alawyer, I know I can go further.

TPO小站综合点评：

整篇文章读下来，其实个人的经历是非常丰富的，国外院校比较喜欢经验丰富的同学。但不知之处是整篇文章读完后，体现不出已有的专业度和对法律的热爱。建议在文章中，体现出你自己良好的学习能力和抗压能力，在法律方面的成就（潜力），对未来的自己的规划和对学校清楚的认识和定位。