Woman: So you have a half day, a full day and a day and evening tour of London?
Man: That's correct.
Woman: Well, as we're only here for a few days, I think perhaps we should take the full day and evening tour. Give my children the opportunity to see everything.
Man: Won't that be a bit tiring for them?
Woman: Yes, you're right. It's probably better if we don't include them on the evening part of the program.
Man: Not the theatre and the dinner entertainment?
Woman: Yes, that's what I mean. The hotel will take care of them.
Man: Yes, I'm sure that can be arranged.
Woman: Now, can you tell me what the cost will be?
Man: For the full tour? Seventy pounds per head.
Woman: So that would be 140 pounds for myself and my husband. What about the children, is there any reduction for them?
Man: Certainly, we have half price for children and if they're not going to the theatre or the dinner, I think we could let them have the full day tour for thirty pounds each.
Woman: That's fine. Could you tell me more details of the tour? I mean, what will we be actually seeing and so forth?
Man: Well, here's a brochure for you to read, but I can quickly run through the main items of the tour with you. Now, as you see, you're picked up from your hotel at 8:30, so you must be sure to order an early breakfast.
Woman: Yes ...
Man: Then you're taken to see the Changing of the Guard and you'll see Buckingham Palace at the same time of course. After that you'll be taken down Whitehall to see the House of Parliament, Big Ben, you know the famous clock, and nearby Westminster Abbey. Now from there we have a river trip down the Thames towards the Tower of London. During the river trip you'll be provided with sandwiches and coffee, orange juice for the kiddies. When you get to the Tower, you'll see the Beefeaters, the traditional guards of the Tower and then you'll be shown the Crown jewels.
Woman: And will we have a guide during all this?
Man: Of course. There's an official guide who will explain the sights to you and give a short account of their historic associations in three languages, English, German and French. If you have any further questions he'll be only too pleased to answer them.
Woman: Oh, that sounds perfect.
Man: Now in the afternoon, you'll be taken to London Zoo for a couple of hours. We try to arrange this to coincide with the monkeys' tea party. The children always enjoy that.
Woman: Oh, I'm sure mine will.
Man: And from there we just go round the corner to Madame Tussaud's to see the waxworks and after that right next door to the London Planetarium where you'll see the stars simulated by laser beams.
Woman: That sounds very exciting. What a full day.
Man: Yes, well we do let you have a couple of hours' rest before taking you on to the theatre and dinner in the evening.
Woman: Oh, that's good. I'll be able to get the children off to bed or settled down watching television or something. Well, that sounds marvellous. Thank you very much.
Man: Not at all. Er ... there is just one thing, madam.
Woman: Oh, what's that?
Man: The cheque.
Woman: (laughs) Of course.
I have always been interested in making things. When I was a child I used to enjoy painting, but I also liked making things out of clay. I managed to win a prize for one of my paintings when I was fourteen. That is probably the reason that I managed to get into art college four years later. But I studied painting at first, not pottery. I like being a potter because I like to work with my hands and feel the clay; I enjoy working on a potter's wheel. I'm happy working by myself and being near my home. I don't like mass-produced things. I think crafts and craftspeople are very important. When I left college I managed to get a grant from the Council, and I hope to become a full-time craftswoman. This workshop is small, but I hope to move to a larger one next year.

Mr. Hanson: Could I have my bill, please?
Waitress: Yes, sir. One moment, please.
(She brings the bill and the customer looks at it carefully.)
Mr. Hanson: Could you kindly explain this to me? What is item 6?
Waitress: Perhaps I cou1d go through it for you. The first item is the cover charge. Number 2 is the beer. Then your starter, your main course and the vegetables. The main course was 4.50 not 3.50, so item 6 is the difference.
Mr. Hanson: Oh, I see. But how was I expected to know that?
Waitress: Yes, sir. They are a bit hard to follow sometimes. Number 8 is your dessert and number 9 the cigarettes. Oh, and number 7 is your second beer.
Mr. Hanson: And what about the service, is that included?
Waitress: Yes, that's marked down here, 10 per cent service.
Mr. Hanson: Good. Thank you. Now, can you take my credit card?
Waitress: I'm afraid we don't accept credit cards.
Mr. Hanson: Oh dear. What about a cheque with a banker's card?
Waitress: Yes, sir. That will be all right.
Customer: Can you bring me the bill, please?
Waiter: Certainly, sir.
(He brings the bill.)
Customer: I think there has been a mistake.
Waiter: I'm sorry, sir. What seems to be the trouble?
Customer: I think you have charged me twice for the same thing.
Look, the figure of 5.50 appears here and then again here.
Waiter: I'll just go and check it for you, sir.
(He returns a few minutes later.)
Waiter: Yes sir, you are quite right. The cashier made a mistake. I think you will find it correct now.
Customer: Thank you.
Waiter: We do apologize about this, sir.
Customer: That's all right. No harm done. Now, can I pay by traveler's cheques?
Waiter: Certainly, sir. We'll give you the change in local currency if that's all right.
Customer: You needn't worry about that. There won't be much change out of twenty-five dollars.
Waiter: Thank you, sir. That's most kind of you.
—Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
—Shh, don't do too loud. Everyone will want one.

—Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
—There is a spider on the bread. It'll catch it.

—What's this fly doing in my soup?
—I think it's doing the backstroke, sir.

—There is a dead fly swimming in my soup!
—That's impossible. A dead fly can't swim.

—There is a dead fly in my soup.
—Yes, sir. It's the hot liquid that kills them.

—Waiter, there is a fly in my soup.
—Yes, sir. We give extra meat rations on Fridays.

—Waiter, there is a fly in my soup.
—Don't worry, sir. There is no extra charge.
A strange thing happened to Henri yesterday. He was on a bus and wanted to get off. So he stood up and rang the bell. To make sure the driver heard him he rang it twice, but the bus didn't stop, and the conductor came and shouted at him.
The conductor was so annoyed, and spoke so fast, that Henri didn't understand a word. The bus stopped at the next bus stop and Henri got off. As he got off he heard someone say, "I think he's a foreigner."
When Henri got home, he told his landlady about the incident.
"How many times did you ring the bell?" she asked.
"Twice," said Henri.
"Well, that's the signal for the driver to go on," his landlady explained. "Only the conductor is allowed to ring the bell twice. That's why he got so annoyed."
Henri nodded. "I see," he said.
(A and B are a married couple. C is a travel agent.)
C: Good morning.
A and B: Good morning.
C: Can I help you?
A: Yes, we're thinking of going on holiday somewhere, but we're not sure where.
C: I see. What sort of holiday did you have in mind?
A: Lots of sunbathing.
B: (at the same time) Lots of walking.
C: Mm. (looking puzzled) So you'd like somewhere warm?
B: Not too warm.
A: Yes, as sunny as possible.
C: And are you interested in the night-life at all?
A: Yes. It'd be nice if there were some good discos and clubs we could go to.
B: Oh, no! Surely that's what we're trying to get away from!
A: What do you mean? We never go out at all, so how could we get away from it?
B: Well, what's the point of going somewhere where there are lots of people just like here?
C: (interrupting) Could I just ask what sort of price you want to pay?
B: As cheap as possible.
A: What do you mean? We want a top hotel.
B: But we can't afford it.
A: Of course, we can. We've been saving up all year.
(Their voices rise as they argue. The travel agent looks bemused.)
C: Just a minute, please. I think I can make a suggestion. Why don't you try the South of France? Then one of you can go to the beach and the other can walk in the mountains.
A: That sounds like a good idea. And there are some good hotels there.
B: No—there are too many English people there!
A: Well, then at least we'd have someone to talk to.
B: But, there's no point in going abroad to meet English people there!
C: (interrupting again) Excuse me.
A and B: Yes?
C: Well, my wife and I have the same trouble as you. I like hot, lively places and she prefers a bit of peace and quiet and we always disagree about how much to spend. We usually split up and go to different places, but this year I've got a better idea.
A and B: What's that?
C: Well, I could go on holiday with you (indicates one of them) and you could go with my wife.
A: That's an interesting idea.
B: I'm not so sure ...
C: Look, why don't you come round now and meet my wife and we can see what we can arrange ...
The scene is at an airport. A man and a woman carrying several cases approach a customs officer (C.O.).
Man: (whispering) Don't worry. Everything will be all right.
Woman: I hope you know what you're doing!
(They put their bags down in front of the customs officer.)
C.O.: Good morning, sir, madam. Just returning from a holiday, are you?
Woman: That's right.
C.O.: And how long have you been abroad?
Woman: Two weeks.
Man: Yes, not very long. Not long enough to buy anything anyway. (laughing)
C.O.: I see. Have you got anything to declare?
Man: I'm sorry, I don't really know what you mean.
Woman: Harry!
C.O.: Come on, sir. I'm sure you know what I mean. Have you got anything to declare?
Man: Well ... yes. I would like to declare that I love my wife.
Woman: Oh, Harry. You've never said that before.
Man: Well, it's true! It's just that I've never been able to tell you before.
Woman: And I love you too!
C.O.: (clearing throat) I'm sorry to interrupt, but I must ask you whether you have any goods to declare.
Man: Ah, well I do have a record-player, a fridge and something for my wife's birthday that I'd rather not tell you about.
Woman: Harry! And I thought you'd forgotten again!
Man: Of course not, dear!
C.O.: (annoyed) What I want to know, sir, is whether you have any goods in that bag that I should know about.
Man: Well, let's have a look. (opens bag) We've got some bars of soap, a tube of toothpaste, clothes, a jar of cream ...
C.O.: (angry) I only want to know if you have anything liable for tax, like cigarettes, perfumes or bottles of anything.
Man: Well, we do have a bottle of shampoo.
C.O.: Okay. I've had enough. You can go.
Man: You mean that's it?
C.O.: Please go away!
Woman: Come on, Harry. He just told us we could go.
(Takes hold of the suitcase and the contents spill out.)
C.O.: Just a minute. May I see that jewellery, please?
Man: Oh, my God! You great clumsy idiot!
Woman: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.
Man: You never do anything right. I don't know why I married you in the first place!
Woman: But Harry! You just said you loved me.
Man: Not any more.
C.O.: And now what have you got to declare, sir?
Sam Lewis was a customs officer. He used to work in a small border town. It wasn't a busy town and there wasn't much work. The road was usually very quiet and there weren't many travelers. It wasn't a very interesting job, but Sam liked an easy life. About once a week, he used to meet an old man. His name was Draper. He always used to arrive at the border early in the morning in a big truck. The truck was always empty. After a while Sam became suspicious. He often used to search the truck, but he never found anything. One day he asked Draper about his job. Draper laughed and said, "I'm a smuggler."
Last year Sam retired. He spent his savings on an expensive holiday. He flew to Bermuda, and stayed in a luxury hotel. One day, he was sitting by the pool and opposite him he saw Draper drinking champagne. Sam walked over to him.
Sam: Hello, there!
Draper: Hi!
Sam: Do you remember me?
Draper: Yes ... of course I do. You're a customs officer.
Sam: I used to be, but I'm not any more. I retired last month. I often used to search your truck ...
Draper: ... but you never found anything!
Sam: No, I didn't. Can I ask you something?
Draper: Of course, you can.
Sam: Were you a smuggler?
Draper: Of course I was.
Sam: But ... the truck was always empty. What were you smuggling?
Draper: Trucks!
The first thing they do is to put out an APB and this goes to all the police stations in the country. Next we contact the hospitals. Often the person we are looking for has been in an accident. Then we might try parents, friends or relatives they might be with. We try to follow their movements and to find the last person they saw or were with. Then we try the media. We put photographs in local or national papers—especially papers they might read. There are other things we can do: put posters in places they might be, go on television. Here in America there is a magazine in which there are photographs of missing children. This is often the last hope. Of course, with nearly two million missing children every year, we can't do all these things for everyone. We haven't got the time, the money or the staff.

Are you a morning person or an evening person? That's the question. When do you work best? For me the answer is easy. I work best in the morning. All my creative work is done before lunchtime. I get up at about eight, and then have breakfast. I listen to the radio a bit, and read the papers. And I start. Usually I work from nine or nine thirty until twelve but after that I'm useless. On a good day I write fifteen hundred words or more, sometimes two thousand words, in the morning. Then after lunch I go for a walk, or read. In the evening I like to relax, go to the pub or go out and meet people. If you're a writer you need self-discipline. But if you're tired, it shows: the mind and body must be fresh.

1. Add two and four; eight and ten; fourteen and seven.
2. Subtract six from eighteen; four from eleven; five from nineteen.
3. Multiply two by eight; five by three; six by four.
4. Divide six by three; eight by two; twenty by five.
1. I'll take a commission of ten per cent.
2. The current rate of interest is twenty-three per cent.
3. I only get three-eighths of the total.
4. It's only a fraction of the cost, about a sixteenth.
5. Divide nine by two and you get four point five.
6. You only get two point four six per cent.
1. I have to get a new pair of Jeans. Is there anywhere ...? Do you know a, a good shop where I can get a pair?
2. Look, er, I want something interesting. All I've eaten since I've arrived here is junk food. I want some good local food. Where should I go and what shall I ask for?
3. The car's giving problems again. I had it serviced last week but it's as bad as it was before. I don't know what to do about it.
4. Ooh, yes, I need your advice. The problem is that I have to go to this very formal dinner party next week and I haven't got a dinner suit here. I really don't want to buy one. What do you suggest?
5. Ever since I've been here I had this stomach problem, you know. I mean, it's not serious. Well, I don't think it is. I mean, you often get these things when you travel. Must be the different water or something. But it rea1ly is a nuisance and it seems to be getting worse ...
6. Damn! I've lost my wallet!
Man: Telegram, miss.
Jean: Oh, thanks.
Jean: I wonder who it's from. Oh, it's for Helen. Helen, there's a telegram for you.
Helen: For me? Oh, Jean, will you open it? I hate opening telegrams.
Jean: Do you? Why?
Helen: Well, it's just that I think a telegram must mean bad news.
Jean: I'm just the opposite. I love opening telegrams because I'm sure they must mean something exciting.
Jean: Helen, you'd better sit down. You aren't going to believe this. It says, 'Congratulations, Nurse of the Year. Letter follows.'
Helen: It can't be true.
Jean: Here. You read it.
Hello. This is Sophie Peter's ringing from the Brook Organization. Um, we got your job application and I'm ringing just to arrange an interview with you. How about Monday morning at, er, 11:30? Would that be all right? That's Monday morning of the 10th of August. Um, if you can't make that time, could you please give us a ring? The interview will be with myself and Brian Shaw, so we, um, we look forward to seeing you then. Bye-bye.

"Henry!"
"Yes, dear?"
"I'm going up to bed now. Don't forget to do your little jobs."
"No, dear."
Henry turned off the television and went into the kitchen. He fed the cat, washed up several dishes, dried them and put them away. Then he put the cat out, locked all the doors and turned out all the lights. When he got to the bedroom, his wife was sitting up in bed reading a book and eating chocolates.
"Well dear, have you done all your little jobs?"
"I think so, my love."
"Have you fed the cat?"
"Yes, dear."
"Have you put him out?"
"Yes, dear."
"Have you washed up the dishes?"
"Yes, dear."
"Have you put them all away?"
"Yes, dear."
"Have you tidied the kitchen?"
"Yes, dear."
"Have you turned out all the lights?"
"Yes, dear."
"Have you locked the front door?"
"Yes, dear."
"Then you can come to bed."
"Thank you, dear."
After a little while they heard a gate banging downstairs.
"Henry."
"Yes, dear."
"I'm afraid you've forgotten to shut the garden gate."
"Oh dear! ..."

—Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Lake Late Talk Show, with your host, Dickie Reeves. (applause)
—Nice to be with you again, folks. And among the line of interesting guests I'll show you tonight is the lady you've all been reading and hearing about recently. She is beautiful. She is clever. And she is brave. She is the lady who makes friends with monkeys. She is with us tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, the apewoman herself, Josephin Carter. (applause) Hello, Josephin, or can I call you Joe?
—Please do.
—The first question that I know everybody has been dying to ask you is, how long have you been living with monkeys?
—Apes actually. Well, I've been studying apes for quite a long time, ever since I was at university. But I've only been actually living with them for five years.
—Five years in the African jungle, with only monkeys to talk to.
—Apes actually.
—Oh, with only apes to talk to. That's fantastic! And I know you're going back to your monkey colony ...
—Ape colony actually.
—... to finish your work.
—Oh, yes. I haven't finished it yet. Although I have been recording their behavior and watching their movements very closely, I still haven't finished my work. I've also been training my husband to work with me.
—Your husband?
—Yes. He's come with me tonight. Let me introduce you to Tarsan!
—Hi, everybody.