Mrs. Woodside: Well, Mrs. Long, how do you like it here?
Mrs. Long: Oh, since we had the house redecorated, it's much nicer to live in. But there are still a few things that bother us.
Mrs. Woodside: Oh, what sort of things?
Mrs. Long: Nothing to do with the house, really. It's just that our daughter, Jane, hasn't been ... uh ... well, she hasn't been sleeping well lately. I mean, she's had a few nightmares.
Mrs. Woodside: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Mrs. Long: Uh, excuse me, Mrs. Woodside, but ... do you mind if I ask you something?
Mrs. Woodside: No, of course not. Go ahead.
Mrs. Long: What ... what do you know about ... the people who lived here before?
Mrs. Woodside: Not very much. Nobody has stayed here very long since ... well, since ... you know ...
Mrs. Long: Since? ... Since when?
Mrs. Woodside: Well, since those ... surely you must know about it?
Mrs. Long: No, I don't know. What are you talking about?
Mrs. Woodside: Those terrible murders that happened here more than twenty years ago?
Mrs. Long: Murders? What murders?
Mrs. Woodside: But I thought you knew! This house once belonged to a ... I really thought you knew ... to a man who's supposed to have murdered three or four women! Right here! In this house! Afterwards, he's supposed to have cut up their bodies ... right here ... in the kitchen.
Mrs. Long: What? Are you serious?
Mrs. Woodside: Oh, dear. I hope I haven't said anything to ... well, to upset you.
Mrs. Long: I can't believe it.
Mrs. Woodside: Neither could I. Not at first, at least. He seemed such a nice man.
Mrs. Long: Who?
Mrs. Woodside: Taplow. Gordon Taplow. He didn't seem like the kind of man who could do such things at all.
Mrs. Long: You mean you knew him?
Mrs. Woodside: Yes, of course I did. Not very well, but I used to see him in the street occasionally ... We said hello to each other. He was a very quiet man. You wouldn't have thought he could have hurt a mouse. Once, I remember, he invited me in for a cup of tea.
Mrs. Long: And what happened?
Mrs. Woodside: Nothing. I ... I never got round to it ... to coming in for a cup of tea. I was always too busy. I suppose it was a good thing, wasn't it?
Mrs. Long: What?
Mrs. Woodside: That I never came in for a cup of tea.

Bank Manager: Now, Miss Andrews, how much do you actually want to deposit with us in your new account?
Helen Andrews: Well, it's just around two thousand pounds that I won on the premium bonds.
Bank Manager: Right. I now need your full name and address.
Helen Andrews: Helen Andrews. 33 Bedford Road ...
Bank Manager: Helen Andrews. Would you please spell that?
Helen Andrews: A-N-D-R-E-W-S.
Bank Manager: Address?
Helen Andrews: 33 Bedford, that's B-E-D-F-O-R-D ...
Bank Manager: So 33 Bedford ...
Helen Andrews: Road, London E14.
Bank Manager: Right, er ... now do you want a deposit or a current account?
Helen Andrews: Well, I want to be able to take my money out at any time.
Bank Manager: I see. So you probably want a current account.
Helen Andrews: Well, if you say so. I've only had a post office savings account until now.
Bank Manager: Well, with a current account you can ... have a cheque book, or you can come into the bank and take the money out as you like. Of course, there's no interest on a current account.
Helen Andrews: Not at all?
Bank Manager: No. If you put it into a seven day's deposit account, of course, you get interest, but in a current account, none.
Helen Andrews: Well, most people have current accounts, don't they?
Bank Manager: Well, they do if they've not got an awful lot of money and they need to use it regularly. Eh ... so that's probably the best thing for you.
Helen Andrews: Well, you'll give me a cheque book, won't you?
Bank Manager: I'll give you a cheque book immediately, yes, er ...
Helen Andrews: Do you need my signature?
Bank Manager: Ah yes, we'll need er ... two or three specimen signatures ...
Helen Andrews: OK. And I will get a cheque card ... I mean one of those cards which I'm allowed to use for up to fifty pounds a day.
Bank Manager: Eh, eh, now we don't actually give a cheque card until you've had an account with us for six months.
Helen Andrews: Six months?
Bank Manager: Yes, we have to see how the accounts going, you see.
Helen Andrews: But that's crazy. I mean I used to work in a shop and we'd never accept cheques without a cheque card. I mean no one will accept my money.
Bank Manager: Well, er ... this is how we work, I'm afraid.
Helen Andrews: Well, I'll have to reconsider everything again, I think. I had no idea you were as strict as this ...

If you ask someone, they'll say that the bank is where you can cash a cheque. But it's more than that and we have to tell people that in our advertisements. There are several things to think about. When do you start? I mean at what age. That is the first problem. I think you must start very young. So we said: 'Let's introduce the name of the bank to children and they will never forget it.' The next question is this: How do you attract the different age groups? My partner said 'Why don't we use a gimmick for each age group? Give them something for nothing—money boxes for young children, T-shirts for teenagers, gold pens for young executives.' That always works. But what do you give to your best customer? That's another question. What about leather diaries, for example?
Banks are very competitive. How do you think of something new? That's always a problem. We were one of the first banks to have drive-in banks and to open on Saturdays, but now many banks do. Of course, most banks now offer insurance and travel services, and all the usually standing order and direct debit services. The other thing about advertising is where. Where do you put the ads—on television, of course, but which journals and newspapers? And when and how often? These are questions you have to ask yourself.