On May 19th, President Obama announced a new federal gas mileage standard. He wants the country’s entire car and light truck fleet to average 35.5 miles per gallon by 2016. Some reaction was swift and to the point. Here’s forlorn Oklahoma Senator Tom Coburn: “What if you want to drive a gas hog? You don’t have the right any longer in this country to spend your money to drive a gas hog?”

Fret not, Senator, because with the proper care, upkeep and driving behavior, it’s possible to squeeze many fewer miles out of a given gallon of gas than whatever standard the feds might impose on us. Here are some tips for turning even the most fuel-efficient vehicle into a gas-guzzling petroleum pig:

Keep your tires under-inflated. Always do jackrabbit starts. Never get a tune-up. Avoid driving at a steady speed on highways. Add whatever doodads you can to the surface to increase wind resistance. And when all else fails, put her up on blocks and just keep spinning your wheels.

—Steve Mirsky