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I have never in my life had difficulty with the cops.
我生活中从没与警察有过什么过结。
I had difficulty with the cops, that's not...no actually I didn't have difficulty with the cops.
我与警察有过过结，那不是?不，实际上我与警察没有过结。
I was once sitting home in my house, and a lot of cars pulled up around the house.
有一次我坐在自己家屋子里，来了许多小车停在我屋子周围。
They shined in searchlights, and I heard a voice over the loudspeaker say "We have your house surrounded. This is the New York public library"
他们闪着探照灯，我听见扩音器里传出的声音说：“我们包围了你的房子。我们是纽约公共图书馆的。”
They wanted their books back, y'know, and the little librarian was lobbing grenades over the house.
他们想要让我还书。有个矮个儿的图书管理员向我屋子扔了几颗催泪弹。
I came out with my hands up, y'know, kicking the book ahead of me.
我举着双手走了出来，一边将书踢到我前面。
They took me down to the main branch on Fifth Avenue in New York, and they took away my glasses for a year.
他们带我去位于纽约第五大道的主图书馆，他们将我的眼镜没收了一年。
And I was thinking, when I lived in my apartment in the brownstone building in New York, we were constantly getting robbed all the time. It was a very big feature of the neighborhood, y'know.
回想起来，那时我住在纽约那幢褐色砂石建筑的公寓里，我们时不时地屡遭洗劫，偷盗和抢劫就是那附近最显著的特色。
Guys would break in and steal, and my apartment was robbed about four times in two years, y'know, it really got to be a bad thing, and I didn't know what to do about it, so finally I put on my door, a little blue and white sticker that said "We gave".
有人会破门而入进行偷盗，我的公寓两年之内有被偷过四次，你知道。这真的相当糟糕，我都不知道该怎么办了，所以最后我在我门上贴了一张小小的蓝白贴纸，写着：“我们服了”。
Figure that would end it brilliantly, but it didn't, 'cause a man in my building, Mr. Russo was held up late at night, two very big guys got him with a bottle and a stick in the lobby, y'know, and they wanted all his cash.
以为就此成功地结束了，但结果没有，因为我楼里的一个名叫卢索的先生在夜里又被抢了，两个彪形大汉拿着个瓶子和一根棍子，在大厅里截住了他，他们让他交出所有的现金。
Russo like a jerk tried to sign for it for tax purposes, whatever it is, y'know.
卢索这个傻蛋居然想出让他们签个收据，说是为了缴税还是什么原因。
They hit him with tremendous shot across the frontal lobe, y'know, real smack in the head, and he fell to the lobby in a fetal position, y'know.
他们照着他脑门狠狠地来了一下，结结实实地打在他脑袋上，他蜷着身倒在了大厅里，像刚出生的婴儿。
He lay there until his lease ran out, y'know.
他就那样一直躺在那里直到租约过期。
He's never been the same since the smack in the head, y'know. He smiles a lot now.
自从在脑袋上挨了一击后，他就整个变了个人。现在他经常微笑。
He laughs out of context occasionally. He's not as perceptive as the average tree stump, y'know.
有时他无缘无故就会傻笑起来。他现在的理解力比普通的树桩子好不到哪儿去。
Everybody in the building panicked, they said that I'm small and that I should go and build myself up, in case I get into trouble, I could defend myself, so I went to Vic Tannings, this was a long time ago, I went for three weeks, and I lifted and I bent and I squatted.
大楼里的每个人都惊恐万状，他们说我个头矮小，应该去给自己健健身，那样的话如果我遇上麻烦，就可以保护自己。于是我就去了“维克·坦宁健身馆”，那是很久以前了。我去练了三个星期，我举杠、我抻腰、我蹲举。
Nothing happened to me at all, y'know, nothing grew or anything, and I figure it's ridiculous, why don't I forget about it and give Vic Tanning the cash. , and I ask him if he'll walk me home nights.
可我身上什么都没发生，什么都没长，没任何变化。我想这太荒唐了，我何不干脆忘掉这事，直接给维克·坦宁钱得了，我问他愿不愿意每晚护送我回家。
However, there is a kid in my building, a little odd kid named Leon, and Leon takes karate lessons.
另外，我们楼里还住着个男孩，小个子的奇怪小子名叫利昂，利昂一直在上空手道的课。
Leon is always walking with his hand cocked at a right angle, like this, y'know.
利昂走路的时候也总是把他的手绷成直角，就像这样。
And everyone said that I should learn Judo, 'cause I'd be an animal, but Judo to me has always been a thing of the bigger your opponent is, the bigger the beating he is gonna give you, y'know.
人人都说我应该去学柔道，因为学了柔道我就可以无敌了。可是在我看来，就柔道而言，总是你的对手越厉害，你也就被揍得越厉害。
And then my good friends told me, in the back of Esquire magazine, you can send away for a fountain pen that shoots teargas.
然后我有好朋友告诉我说，《绅士》杂志的背面有广告，你可以邮购一种自来水笔，它会发射催泪瓦斯。
It's a real fountain pen, and it secretes a gaseous billow, y'know, really great pen, seven and a half dollars. I send away.
那是真的钢笔，但能释放出一大股气体，真的是很棒的笔，七块半美元。我寄了钱。
It comes in the mail, two weeks later in a plain brown wrapper, y'know.
两星期后邮件来了，装在普通的褐色包装袋里。
I unscrew it, I put in the teargas cartridges, I clip it in my breast pocket, y'know, I go out, a long time ago this was, some friends of mine had a surprise autopsy, and I'm invited for the evening, y'know.
我拧开笔，装入催泪瓦斯筒，然后我就把笔别在了我的胸袋里。我走了出去，这是很久以前的事了，那天晚上我的几个朋友要做一个奇异的尸体解剖，他们邀请了我。
I'm coming home by myself, two o'clock in the morning, and it's pitch black and I'm all alone, and standing in my lobby is a neanderthal man, with the eyebrow ridges, y'know, and the hairy knuckles like this, y'know.
我独自一人回到家里，凌晨两点，周围漆黑一片，只有我一个人。我的门厅里站着一个尼安德特人【1】，他的眉骨高高隆起，指节上也满都是毛，就像这样。
He had just learned to walk erect that morning, I think. Came right to my house in search of the secret of fire, y'know.
我想他那天早上刚学会直立行走。直接就到我房子里来寻找火的秘密。
A tree-swinger in the lobby at two o'clock in the morning.
一个在树上晃来晃去的家伙凌晨两点在我的大厅里。
A mouth breather looking at me, like (breathes heavily) , y'know.
一个靠嘴巴出气的家伙紧盯着我，像这样（喘粗气声）。
I took my watch out and I dangled it in front of him, y'know, 'cause they're mullified by shiny objects sometimes. He ate it.
我摘下我的手表在他面前摆动着，因为他们有时看到亮闪闪的东西就会平息下来。他一口吞了下去。
I tried to impress him and I backed off and I pulled out my teargas pen, and I pressed the trigger, and some ink trickled down my shirt.
我要给他点厉害看看，我后退一步，拔出我的催泪瓦斯笔，我按下机关，几滴墨水滴到了我的衬衫上。
I made a mental note to call Esquire and tell them. I'm standing in the lobby, two o'clock in the morning, y'know, with a product of a broken home, y'know.
我在脑子里做下记号：我要给《绅士》杂志打电话，投诉他们，凌晨两点，我站在大厅里，手里拿着的却是出自于破裂家庭的产品。
I had a fountain pen in my hand, I tried writing on him with it, y'know.
我手里握着钢笔，想用它在他身上写点什么。
He came for me, and he started to tap dance on my windpipe, so very quickly, I lapsed into the old Navajo Indian trick of screaming and begging.
他走了过来，开始在我的气管上跳起了踢踏舞，因此不多会儿，我只能求助于纳瓦霍印第安人【2】以前常玩的伎俩——哀嚎加求饶。
I get into an amazing amount of physical encounters for someone my size. I really...
我还经常与跟我个头差不多大的人发生肢体冲突，次数多的惊人，我真的??
About thirteen weeks ago, I had my shoes shined against my will.
大约13周之前，有人楞是在违背我意愿的情况下把我的皮鞋给擦了。
Tremendous shoeshine boy, said to me "I'm shining your shoes". "Yes you are" I said.
那是个手艺精湛的鞋童，他冲我说：“我要擦你的皮鞋。”“是啊，你不正擦着嘛。”
He did give me an excellent shine though, I might add, but they were suede shoes.
我得承认，他给我擦得锃光瓦亮，不过那是双羊皮鞋。
