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"I felt a funeral in my brain, and mourners to and fro
“我的脑海中，进行着一场葬礼，悼念者络绎不绝
kept treading, treading till I felt that sense was breaking through.
不停的走着, 踩踏着，直到仪式的氛围渐浓
And when they all were seated, a service, like a drum,
当所有人入座，仪式开始，敲鼓的声音
kept beating, beating, till I felt my mind was going numb.
沉重有力，敲打着, 敲打着，直到我的意识变得麻木
And then I heard them lift a box
我听见他们抬起棺材
and creak across my soul with those same boots of lead again,
沉重的脚步，摇摇晃晃，我的灵魂吱呀作响
then space began to toll, as if the heavens were a bell and being were an ear,
四周丧钟响起，就像一个铃铛
and I, and silence, some strange race wrecked, solitary, here.
安静的我，如同异类，在此孤独，在此腐朽
Just then, a plank in reason broke,
失去依靠，理性开始崩塌
and I fell down and down and hit a world at every plunge, and finished knowing then."
我从高处坠落跌入一个又一个世界，终于看清。
We know depression through metaphors.
我们能够在一些文学作品中看到抑郁的影子
Emily Dickinson was able to convey it in language, Goya in an image.
艾米莉·迪金森通过诗歌诠释它，戈雅通过绘画表达
Half the purpose of art is to describe such iconic states.
许多艺术作品产生的初衷就是为了表达这充满象征意义的状态
As for me, I had always thought myself tough,
就我自己来说，我一度认为自己非常坚强
one of the people who could survive if I'd been sent to a concentration camp.
认为自己是那一类即使被送去集中营也可以存活下来的人
In 1991, I had a series of losses.
1991年，我经历了一连串的不幸
My mother died, a relationship I'd been in ended,
母亲去世，爱情终结
I moved back to the United States from some years abroad,
我也在几年的海外生活之后回到了美国
and I got through all of those experiences intact.
我在经历了这一切之后依旧安然无恙
But in 1994, three years later,
然而在1994年，也就是三年之后
I found myself losing interest in almost everything.
我突然发现自己对几乎所有的事情都失去了兴趣
I didn't want to do any of the things
甚至不愿意去做那些
I had previously wanted to do, and I didn't know why.
我曾经很想去做的事情，我不知道这是为什么
The opposite of depression is not happiness, but vitality,
抑郁的反面并非快乐，而是活力
and it was vitality that seemed to seep away from me in that moment.
而正是这样的活力似乎就在那段时间从我的身体中慢慢消失了
Everything there was to do seemed like too much work.
所有需要完成的事情都感觉那么麻烦
I would come home and I would see the red light flashing on my answering machine,
回到家的时候看着电话留言机上闪烁的红灯
and instead of being thrilled to hear from my friends,
我不但不会因为听到朋友们的声音感到兴奋
I would think, "What a lot of people that is to have to call back."
反而会想，怎么有这么多人等我回电话
Or I would decide I should have lunch,
有时该吃午饭了
and then I would think, but I'd have to get the food out and put it on a plate
我却开始想，我还得把食物拿出来放到盘子里
and cut it up and chew it and swallow it, and it felt to me like the Stations of the Cross.
得切，得嚼，得咽，让我感觉就像耶稣受难一样
And one of the things that often gets lost in discussions of depression
人们在谈论抑郁时，时常忽略了一点
is that you know it's ridiculous.
那就是你知道这一切都很荒谬
You know it's ridiculous while you're experiencing it.
即使你正处在抑郁之中，你也知道这一切都很荒谬
You know that most people manage to listen to their messages and eat lunch
你知道多数人都可以让自己去听语音留言，去吃午餐
and organize themselves to take a shower and go out the front door
紧接着让自己冲个澡，然后出门
and that it's not a big deal, and yet you are nonetheless in its grip
你知道这根本不是什么大不了的事情，然而你已经被它掌控
and you are unable to figure out any way around it.
并且无法找到任何解决的方式
And so I began to feel myself doing less and thinking less and feeling less.
于是我开始感到自己事情做得越来越少，思考得越来越少，感知得越来越少
It was a kind of nullity.
就好像整个人已经没什么价值了
And then the anxiety set in.
紧接着焦虑就来了
