The death of the old me
永别了，昨日之我

I began the day just like I did every other year; constantly complaining while getting dressed. You see, every New year's day for years, we would go out to eat breakfast at a nice restaurant with my wife's family. We never went to church, only out to eat. I never wanted to go, so I would never feel good or if necessary, even fake an illness. Some years it actually worked.
这天的开始与我过去每一年的这一天没什么两样——我一边穿衣服，一边不断地发着牢骚。多少年来，每年的新年第一天，我们一家都会和妻子的娘家人一起去一家不错的餐厅吃早餐。我们从来没在这天去过教堂，只是出去吃个饭。我从来都是不想去的，所以一到这天我永远不会感到良好，甚至，如果必要的话，还会佯装生病。这一招确实奏效了几年。
This year, we went to Perkins. After ordering, I began to get sick, and started complaining to my wife again. She said, "Shut up, you pull that stunt every year. But, this year it isn't going to work. You're not leaving!" In fact, I had done it so much, that I wasn't even sure myself. Although, I was dizzy and felt like visiting the rest room, I hung in there. We ate; then went home.
今年，我们去了帕金斯餐厅。点餐后，我就开始感到身体不适，并开始再次向我的妻子发牢骚。她说：“闭嘴，你每年都玩这套，今年没用了，你甭想离开！”实际上，我老是这么做，以至于连我自己都不确认自己是不是真的生病了。虽然我的确头晕目眩，想找个休息室待会儿，但我还是坚持了下来。我们用完餐，然后回家。
When we got home, I felt much better. I promised my wife that I would spend the day with her, because I rarely did. After an hour or two, I became increasingly bored and started thinking about the week. I was a fairly successful, workaholic sales rep. for a very large international food company.
当我们回到家时，我感觉好多了。我答应妻子，这一天我会和她一起度过，以补偿我平时很少陪她。一两个小时后，我感到越来越无聊，开始思考这一周的安排。我是一个相当成功的、工作狂式的销售代表，服务于一家规模非常大的国际食品企业。
I was addicted to stress, money, prestige, lifestyle and social status. My salary was straight commission based on sales. I was very similar to a compulsive gambler. Only, I couldn't lose. It was legal, honest, and best of all very rewarding; and besides, we had bills to pay! I had a lot of bookwork to do. So, I went to get some.
我沉迷于压力、金钱、威望、生活方式和社会地位。我的薪水采用基于销售业绩的纯佣金制。我与一个嗜赌如命的赌徒几乎一模一样。 唯一的区别是，我不能输。我的工作是合法的、诚实的，且报酬颇丰。而且，我还要养家糊口。这时，我还有很多阅读工作没有完成，所以去忙了一会儿。

Upon returning my wife said, "No you don't mister, you promised."; I replied something to the effect, "I'll sit here on the couch, and work on the piano bench. That way, I can get some work done while being with you." She didn't bother arguing because she knew me.
回来后，妻子对我说：“不是吧，这位先生，你可答应过陪我的。”我大致是这样回答的：“我会坐在沙发上，用钢琴凳当办公桌工作。这样，我就可以一边陪你，一边完成些工作。”她没有和我争辩，因为她了解我。
Then suddenly out of the blue, wham it hit me. I fell off the couch onto the floor wallowing in paper...I was really sick now! I tried to get up, but kept falling. I was trying to get to the hallway where I had two walls to hold me up. But, I couldn't. I kept laughing telling my wife I didn't know what was happening. After a visit to the bathroom, we headed for the emergency room. All of the way there I had a towel over my head because I couldn't tolerate the sunlight.
突然间，我感到身体一沉，从沙发上摔了下来，倒在文件堆里......这回我真的病倒了！我试图站起身来，但每次尝试的结局都是再次摔倒在地。我设法到达走廊，因为在那里我可以扶着两堵墙站起来。但，我还是没有成功。我不停地笑着，以这样的方式告诉妻子，我其实不知道这是怎么回事。我去了趟洗手间后，我们就直接去医院的急诊室了。一路上，我的头上一直敷着毛巾，因为我受不了阳光照射。
I could no longer see or walk. I was carried to the emergency room where I was examined. I was told that I had an inner ear infection. "To go home and get to bed and stay there." That, "it would take at least a week to get well" and that "I would get worse before I got better." (At least, he was right about the last part!!)
此时，我两眼漆黑，无法行走。我被带入急诊室，在那里做了检查。有人告诉我，我患了内耳炎——“回家睡一觉，然后卧床静养。”“至少一个星期，病情才能好转”“病情好转前，情况还会变得更糟。”（至少，最后这句话他说对了！！）
After a week of living hell, doing exactly as I was told, I woke up in a different hospital, where I was informed that, "I had experienced a severe base of the brain stroke; and should have come in much sooner! On a scale of one to ten, my stroke was an eleven."
在经历了一个星期的人间炼狱之后（那位医生的话我全部照做了），我醒来时已在另一家医院。然后，我被告知，我已过了严重的脑中风基础阶段，我本应早点儿来他们这的！如果脑中风分为1-10级的话，我已经是第11级了。
Later I heard a doctor tell a nurse that my brain was swelled. So, "tomorrow they may have to drill holes in my head to relieve the pressure to reduce additional brain damage!"
后来，我听到一位医生告诉一位护士，我已有脑肿胀症状，所以，明天他们可能不得不在我头上钻洞，以降低脑压，从而降低外加的脑损伤风险！
Then I heard the nurse ask, "why they were waiting until tomorrow?" The reply was: "He is in critical condition and needs to stabilize. He may not even live through the night."
然后，我听到护士问道：“为什么要等到明天？”医生回答：“他情况危急，需要稳定下来。他甚至可能熬不过今晚。”
That got my attention! A few weeks later, another doctor told me that Richard Nixon died the same week with a stoke, but it was like comparing a peanut to an elephant. He was the peanut. But, I was the one that lived. "I was very lucky to be alive!" I didn't feel lucky! In fact, I was very bitter! Why me?
这引起了我的注意！几个星期后，另一位医生告诉我，前总统尼克松就在这个星期死于脑中风，但我与他之间的差别就像花生和大象。他就像花生，而我活了下来。“我活着很幸运！”但，我并没有感到幸运！而且，其实我内心很痛苦！为什么是我摊上这种事？
Years later while seeing Dr. Vincent, my umpteenth psych., still trying to get a respectable answer I asked him the same, simple question that I had been asking preachers and psychs. for years, "Why Me?" He just smiled and softly replied, Why not you? What makes you so special? Do you think that you're the only one with problems? We all have problems. It's our attitudes and choices in life that make the difference. You can continue to blame the first emergency room doctor and take it out on the world for what you have lost: Or, thank God for what you have left. You could be on dialysis or an iron lung, blind, deaf, mute, lost your sense of feel, taste or smell, or even be brain dead! "Not everyone is as lucky as you!!"
几年后，当我去见文森特医生（我的第无数个心理医生）时，我仍然试图得到一个可以让我欣然接受的答案——我向他提出了我在这些年里向我的牧师和其他心理医生问了无数次的那个简单问题——“为什么是我摊上这种事？”他微笑着，轻声回答说：“为什么不能是你？你又有什么特别的？你以为只有你遇到问题吗？我们每个人都有自己的问题。人与人之间的区别只在于，在遇到生活中的问题时，抱有的态度和做出的选择。你可以继续责怪那第一位急诊室医生，对全世界发泄因你已经失去的东西而在内心中产生的不满情绪；你也可以为你至今还拥有的东西感谢上帝。你本来可能正在接受透析治疗，或者正带着人工呼吸器，或者已经失明、聋哑、失去了触觉、味觉或嗅觉，甚至已经脑死亡！不是每个人都像你一样幸运!!”
He continued "Many people don't get a second chance. We are all given only so much time here on Earth; We need to use it wisely! And that, you of all people should know that! You can continue to waste time wallowing in your pride and self-pity. Or, make the most of the time that you have left. It's your choice; and besides, you are already on rock bottom anyway; and the only way from there is up.
他继续说：“许多人不会获得第二次活下去的机会。我们在世上就那么多时间。我们需要明智地利用这些时间！而且，包括你在内的所有人都应该了解这一点！你可以继续浪费时间，沉溺于你的骄傲与自怜。或者，你也可以充分利用你所剩的时间。你自己有选择权，而且，反正你已经处在谷底，未来的日子会越来越好。”
This guy was good! He talked to me, not down at me in a way that I understood. Not like others up until then, or maybe I just wasn't listening. (when the student is ready) Anyway, he struck a nerve! It was then and there, after wasting years at carrying a tremendous grudge, that I finally broke down and let go! (It wasn't pretty; and to this day it is very difficult for me to talk about without getting emotional) I stopped hating, and realized that God, friends, family, health and time here on Earth are the only truly important things in life! (Also, the most abused!) Instantly, life took on a new meaning.
他是个优秀的心理医生！他在为我治疗时是在与我促膝而谈，而没有以居高临下的方式对待我。他与之前我见过的所有其他心理医生不同，或者我只是没听进他们的话。此时此刻，他触及了要害！（当学生做好准备时，老师就会出现）此前，我怀着极大的怨恨浪费了那么多年的时光，最后我终于摆脱了怨恨，释然了。这个过程没那么精彩，甚至直到今天我都很难平静地谈论它——我不再憎恨，并且意识到上帝，以及世间的朋友、家人、健康和时间才是唯一真正重要的东西（也是最多被滥用的）。一瞬间，生活有了全新的意义。
I was warned several years before the incident, I would have a heart attack or stroke within ten years if I didn't slow down and change my ways. Believing that it only happens to someone else and old... Now, I am permanently impaired both mentally and physically, but I have become aware enough to know that I should have listened and considering the possibilities, Yes, I am a very lucky person!
这件事发生的数年前，就曾经有人告诫我，如果我不放慢生活节奏，改变工作、生活方式，我就会在十年内患上心脏病或中风。但，我当时认为这只会发生在别人身上， 况且我正值壮年......现在，虽然我在精神和身体上都受到了永久性的损害，但是我已经充分意识到，我本应该听取那次告诫，并考虑其可能性。没错，我的确是一个非常幸运的人！