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I don't remember when I first became aware that my dad wasn't like other fathers. I saw him on screen but at home he was a regular guy: he read the newspaper, watched sports, was someone I wanted to impress.
我不记得我是什么时候开始意识到我的父亲和其他父亲不一样的。我在屏幕上看到他，但在家里他是一个普通人：他读报纸，看体育比赛，是我想给他留下深刻印象的人。
Sometimes he let me smoke cigarettes around the house; other times, he'd remind me, "I'm your father, not your friend." He was away working for months at a time.
有时他让我在家里抽烟；其他时候，他会提醒我，“我是你的父亲，不是你的朋友。”他一次出去工作几个月。
Mostly it was just me and Mom, who was 19 when she married Dad and 20 when she had me. She liked to say we grew up together; I saw myself as her rescuing knight.
大多数时候只有我和妈妈，妈妈嫁给爸爸时19岁，生下我时20岁。她喜欢说我们是一起长大的；我把自己看作是她的救星。
From a young age, I was more mischievous than the average kid. Once, my friend Sean and I called a sex hotline and racked up a $400 phone bill.
从很小的时候，我就比一般的孩子更淘气。有一次，我和我的朋友肖恩拨打了一条性热线，话费高达400美元。
When my parents had parties, I'd creep around and take it all in: beautiful grown-ups doing the things that beautiful grown-ups living lives of excess do.
当我的父母举办聚会时，我会悄悄溜进去，把一切都看在眼里：漂亮的成年人做着生活奢侈的漂亮成年人所做的事情。
By the time I was 13, I was buying weed in Central Park and experimenting with mushrooms and acid.
在我13岁的时候，我在中央公园买了大麻，用蘑菇和酸做实验。
As my parents' marriage fell apart, I bounced between schools, then to a hardcore wilderness program, and eventually in and out of juvenile detention facilities.
随着父母婚姻的破裂，我辗转于学校之间，然后参加了一个核心的野外活动，最后进了少年拘留所又出来。
For a while, I became a ward of the state of California. It's sad to think back on, but when my parents told me they were getting divorced, I actually welcomed it.
有一段时间，我成了加利福尼亚州的一名受监护人。回想起来很难过，但是当我父母告诉我他们要离婚的时候，我真的很高兴。
I loved them both, but mainly they weren't happy. I wondered if it was normal that I was so relieved. Now I think that I was sitting on a lot of unacknowledged rage.
我爱他们两个，但主要是他们不快乐。我想知道我如释重负是否正常。现在我想我有很多未被承认的愤怒。
At 17, I had my first experience with heroin. I threw up, but still felt warm all over, relaxed and content. The ups and downs of drug addiction are entirely predictable.
17岁时，我第一次接触海洛因。我吐了，但仍然觉得浑身温暖，轻松而满足。毒瘾的起伏是完全可以预测的。
There's a comfort in that. And I like the instant gratification. I want to do what I want to do right now. The only thing I know of in life that can do that is drugs.
这是一种安慰。我喜欢即时的满足。我现在就想做我想做的事。据我所知，在生活中唯一能做到这一点的就是毒品。
They were, for me, a path out of loneliness. One day, over my girlfriend's objections, I ask my dealer if he can get me an ounce of good crystal. I explain why.
对我来说，它们是走出孤独的途径。一天，我不顾女友的反对，问我的经销商能否给我一盎司好的水晶。我解释为什么。
I'm going to deal to support my habit. So I'm doing it. I'm crossing the line I wasn't going to cross. I consider what that means. I know this isn't going to end well.
我要去处理支持我的习惯。我正在做。我正在越过我不打算越过的那条线。我认为这意味着什么。我知道这事不会有好结果的。
I decide that I should have better guns for protection. I go to a shop in Burbank and buy a Glock 17, a Special Forces-style Desert Eagle handgun, and a Mossberg shotgun with a pistol grip.
我决定我应该有更好的枪来保护自己。我去了伯班克的一家商店，买了一把格洛克17型手枪，一把特种部队风格的沙漠鹰手枪，还有一把握把式莫斯堡猎枪。
I keep the Mossberg, loaded with six 12-gauge shells, under my bed, within easy reach if I'm ever attacked while sleeping.
我把装有六枚12口径炮弹的“莫博士”放在床下，这样在我睡觉时受到攻击时就能轻易拿到。
If someone comes for me, I'll get behind the bed and start firing. As I spiral into addiction and dealing, my relationships with my parents alternate between closeness and estrangement.
如果有人来找我，我就躲到床后面开枪。当我陷入上瘾和交易的漩涡时，我和父母的关系在亲密和疏远之间交替。
Mom calls and leaves voice mails I don't respond to for months.
妈妈的电话和语音留言我几个月都没有回复。
