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I used to love taking showers until October 20, 2017.
在2017年10月20日之前，我一直很享受洗澡。
I remember that day.
我永远记得那一天。
Because on that day, as I was washing my hair and pulled my hand away from my head, there was a massive clump of hair tangled in my hand.
因为那天，我洗头的时候，把手从头上拿开，有一大团头发缠在我的手里。
I just stared at it. It looked like a tarantula.
我盯着它看。它看起来像一只狼蛛。
I tried not to think about it, till the next time I showered, and it happened again, and again, and again, and again.
我试着不去想它，直到下一次洗澡，它一次又一次地发生，一次又一次，一次又一次。
Within a few months, I lost over 50% of my hair.
几个月内，我掉了超过50%的头发。
I was basically bald at the back of my head.
我的后脑勺基本上都秃了。
Then one day, my boyfriend turns to me and says maybe you should get a wig.
有一天，我男朋友对我说，也许你应该戴个假发。
I cried so hard that night.
那天晚上我哭得很厉害。
But two weeks later, on Valentine's Day of all days, I walked into a wig shop.
但两周后的情人节那天，我走进了一家假发店。
I took off my winter hat to reveal my mess of patchy, thin hair.
我摘下冬帽，露出一头乱蓬蓬的稀疏头发。
As the wig shop owner looked through my scalp, he told me that I may have alopecia and that it's perfectly normal and lots of his clients who have it wear wigs and feel good about themselves.
假发店老板检查我的头皮，告诉我，我可能有脱发现象，这是非常正常的，他的很多客户都戴着假发，感觉都很好。
Then he showed me the most beautiful wig you could ever imagine.
然后他给我看了你能想象到的最漂亮的假发。
And me, a perfect Indian woman, so I bought it.
而我，一个完美的印度女人，所以我买了。
Yet the very next day, I felt like a fraud, like I was hiding a dirty little secret.
然而就在第二天，我感觉自己像个骗子，好像在隐藏一个肮脏的秘密。
And because of this wig, I can't shower at the gym or go swimming or even ride a fxxk roller coaster.
因为这顶假发，我不能在健身房洗澡，不能去游泳，甚至不能坐过山车。
I essentially lost all spontaneity in my life.
我基本上失去了生活中所有的自发性。
And within a few weeks, the truth became clear.
几周之内，真相大白。
I am not allowed to be me.
我不能做我自己。
I mean, to not be allowed to be is like not being allowed to see, blinded by the burden of expectations placed on me.
我的意思是，不能被大家看到，被寄予厚望的负担蒙蔽了双眼。
I diapered beneath this wig, a physical embodiment of social, societal, and family pressures placed on me as a female, placed on me as an Indian woman.
我就像在这顶假发下面换尿布，这是社会和家庭压力的物理体现，施加在一个女性身上，施加在一个印度女性的身上。
Should and shame, they're the same, and this wig, this wig, represents shame, unworthiness, other people's thoughts implanted into my mind.
“应该”和“羞耻”是一样的，而这顶假发代表着羞耻，无价值，别人的想法在我的脑袋里翻滚。
I hate this. It feels like the pressure cooker inside me is about to go off.
我讨厌这样。感觉我体内的高压锅就要爆炸了。
My insides are screaming what if? What if I shave it all off?
我的内心在尖叫，如果我把它们都剃掉呢？
So, I went for it and fxxking shaved my head.
所以，我就去了，把我的头发剃光了。
Hundreds of messages and phone calls flooded in, people telling me how brave I am.
成百上千的信息和电话蜂拥而至，都在告诉我我有多勇敢。
Ladies came up to me on the streets and picked up their wig just a little bit for me to seesparse strands of their hair.
街上有女士走到我面前，拿起她们的假发，让我看她们稀疏的头发。
But you know what? I felt fxxking terrible.
但是你知道吗？我感觉糟透了。
Shaving my head was supposed to finally allow me to be myself.
剃光头本该最终让我做回我自己。
But I literally couldn't recognize my own shadow.
但我真的认不出自己的影子了。
Once again, avoiding mirrors. I became she. Who is she?
又一次，逃避镜子。我变成了她。她是谁？
