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You suck at cooking yeah, you totally suck.
你的厨艺弱爆了，完全弱爆了。
When making a date meal, step one is to get over your insecurity,
做约会套餐时，第一步是克服紧张不安的心理，
because cooking for someone can be intimidating.
因为给别人做饭会让人感到惶恐。
You gotta dig deep, look into your soul and remember one thing.
你需要全力以赴、深入自己的灵魂，还要记住一件事。
It's not gonna happen.
你俩不一定能成。
They're probably just in this for the free meal so keep that in mind and you'll have a good chance of acting like a normal person.
他们答应约会可能只是为了蹭一顿饭，记住这一点，你大概率就能在约会时表现得像个正常人。
We're gonna make simple pasta and that starts with roasting cherry tomatoes.
我们今天做简单的意大利面，首先要把圣女果烤一下。
Arrange your tomatoes in a sound wave formation, then give the old counter a pounder.
把圣女果摆成声波的形状，然后在料理台上猛地一敲。
Mix those in a bowl with some OOS and PPP, then give that a good spang jangle.
然后加入橄榄油和胡椒粉，充分搅拌一下。
Be careful not to mistake this for a bowl of cereal.
注意别把它当成麦片直接吃了。
Spread those on a parchment papered pan, then drink the excess oil with a colorful straw.
把搅拌好的圣女果倒在铺了纸的盘子上，然后用彩色吸管把剩下的油喝掉。
Mmm. That's not a milkshake.
嗯，味道不像奶昔啊。
Undo's on four-hundo, and we'll send those on a magical journey. Byeeee.
烤箱调到400度，开始魔幻烤箱之旅。再见嘞。
Now chop up some garlic.
现在切一些大蒜。
Then we're gonna core a red pepper.
挖掉红辣椒的籽。
Some green onion.
切一些葱。
Get some olive oil into the pan,
锅里倒入橄榄油，
now throw in the breath freshener, and the other breath freshener,
加入大蒜口气清新剂，再加入大葱口气清新剂，
some red pepper flakes and the pants stainer
加入辣椒面，掉在裤子上就是一坨油的红辣椒丝，
And we'll let that simmer down on medium low and now...
开中火让它慢慢煎，现在....
It's time check the tomato.
该检查一下小西红柿了。
Yep, tomatoes looks fine.
嗯，西红柿看起来不错。
Now go into your room and spread garbage everywhere, so that you can be certain it's definitely not gonna happen.
现在把你的房间里扔满垃圾，这下你可以肯定你俩肯定不能成了。
This will keep you from trying too hard during your date, and you'll end up being more likeable.
免得你在约会的时候用力过度，这样你最后还会更讨人喜欢一点。
Now we're gonna take some spaghettini.
拿出小意大利面。
It's called spaghettini because it's teeny, teeny, tiny, tiny, little...oh I apologize.
我叫它小意大利面，因为它就是很小很细的一丁点...对不起。
So you're gonna want to salt the water, making sure it doesn't get too much hotter than the temperature of boiling.
然后水里加入盐，确保水不要超过煮沸的温度。
And then you want to cook this "al dente", which means "broken teeth" in French. In other words slightly firm.
面条煮到“弹牙”的程度，在法语中的意思就是“把牙弹掉”，也就是稍微有点硬的意思。
Now let's strain that pasta, get it into the pan with the vegetables and give it a good wangjangle and then...
然后把意大利的水控干，倒进盘子里，和葱蒜辣椒搅拌均匀，然后...
It's time to put on those tomatoes.
加入西红柿啦。
Now let's make a salad.
接着做沙拉。
To make the easiest salad dressing on earth, you're gonna need
地球上最简单的沙拉酱汁就是
olive oil, balsamic, and Dijon
橄榄油、意大利香醋、第戎芥末
I made this diagram to illustrate the ratio.
我做了这个图表来说明各种调味料的比例。
So you're aiming for around that much olive oil, to that much balsamic, to that much Dijon, to that much air.
大概要这么多橄榄油，这么多香醋，这么多芥末，以及这么多空气。
Now you can wash your greens and then throw them in your salad spinner.
然后把青菜洗干净，放进沙拉甩干器。
If you don't have a salad spinner, put them in your colander and tape a layer of foil on top.
如果你没有沙拉甩干器，把菜倒进带孔的篓子里，粘上一层铂纸。
Then tie a string around the handle and recklessly swing it around your head until the lettuce is dry.
在把手处栓一根绳子，拎起来在空中疯狂地摆来摆去，直到生菜上的水干掉。
Now we'll just open up this Jiffy Pop and dump it in there.
撕掉铂纸，把菜倒进去。
The cucumber isn't just a vegetable.
黄瓜可不只是蔬菜。
It's an incredible opportunity to send your date a subliminal message. Write a nice compliment, like
可以利用黄瓜给你的约会对象发送秘密信息。可以写一句夸人的话，比如
"you are sparky" or whatever the millennials are saying these days.
"你闪闪发光"或者随便什么千禧年一代现在会说的话。
And then throw that into the salad. Let's pour on the dressing.
然后把黄瓜倒进沙拉，加入酱汁。
Then give it a nice gentle toss.
轻轻搅拌一下。
Now pull up your shorts or pull down your pants and give yourself a tattoo.
现在把裤子挽上去，给自己搞个纹身。
Something like "I love Shannon" or Jeb or whatever your date's name is.
比如“我爱香农”或者“我爱杰布”，反正就是你约会对象的名字。
Now it definitely, definitely can't happen because how would you ever explain that? That's really messed up! Why did you do that?
现在你俩绝对、绝对不能成了，因为你怎么解释这个纹身？简直乱七八糟，你干嘛这样干？
When you're serving the meal, try to make it look good on the plate.
把菜端上去的时候，要注意摆盘美观。
If they ask what it is, just say it's some Mediterranean thing you whipped up
要是他们问你这是什么，就说是你随便做的一些地中海菜式。
It doesn't matter if it's actually Mediterranean, the important thing is that you're using a six syllable word which will make you sound really intelligentable.
是不是地中海的不重要，重要的是要说一个六音节单词，这会让你听起来智商很高的样子。
Now it's normal to be nervous, pits sweaty, can't speak, spaghettini's on the table already.
现在意大利面上桌了，如果感到紧张、腋下出汗、语无伦次是完全正常的。
That's why you should prepare a poster of inspirational sayings to give you a boost of confidence at any point during your date.
所以需要预先准备一张海报，上面写一些鼓励人的话，让你在约会的时候更有信心。
For dessert keep it really simple. Ice cream is great. Ice cream and berries is even better.
甜点的话简单就好。冰淇淋就不错，冰淇淋加上浆果就更好了。
I'm gonna take some vanilla ice cream and just sprinkle some blueberries to and fro
我准备来点香草冰淇淋，再撒一点蓝莓。
See, I knew it wasn't gonna happen.
看，我就知道没有结果。
