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Mr. Teahan, 47, is not shy about challenging these ideas.
47岁的蒂汉并不羞于挑战这些（传统家庭）观念。
He first cut off from his own family nearly 30 years ago, when the idea percolated on the fringe of the mental health field.
大约30年前，当断亲的理念在心理健康领域的边缘出现时，他就第一次与自己的家庭断绝了联系。
Mr. Teahan was 19, working as a waiter in Cambridge, Mass., when he encountered the idea that would change his life.
当他遇到这个会改变他一生的理念时，蒂汉19岁，在马萨诸塞州剑桥市当服务员。
A co-worker spotted him on his break, smoking glumly, and passed on the name of a therapist.
一位同事在他休息时看到他闷闷不乐地抽烟，于是把一位治疗师的名字告诉了他。
It was 1997, and greater Boston was a hotbed of trauma theory.
那是1997年，大波士顿地区是创伤理论的温床。
Judith Herman, a Harvard psychiatrist, had published “Trauma and Recovery,” which mapped the experiences of abused children beside those of combat veterans.
哈佛大学的精神病学家朱迪思·赫尔曼出版了《创伤与复原》，描述了受到虐到的儿童和参加过战争的退伍军人的经历。
Customers were lining up for workshops with John Bradshaw, who promised to help them connect with their wounded, vulnerable “inner child.”
在约翰·布拉德肖的工作坊，顾客们排队等待治疗，布拉德肖承诺帮助他们与受伤、脆弱的“内在小孩”建立联系。
Mr. Teahan’s therapist, Amanda Curtin, used those concepts as a springboard for a three-and-a-half year program of group therapy.
蒂汉的治疗师阿曼达·科廷以这些概念为基础，进行了为期三年半的团体治疗计划。
Often, she said, clients came to her convinced that they’d had a good childhood, but she saw right away that they had not; many had had absent or workaholic fathers, for instance.
她说，很多客户来找她时，坚信自己有一个美好的童年，但她马上就看出他们并没有；例如，许多人的父亲要么缺席，要么是工作狂。
“That is trauma,” she said. “It is abandonment. It is neglect.”
“这就是创伤，”她说，“这就是抛弃。这就是疏忽。”
Mr. Teahan got it right away.
蒂汉一下子就明白了。
His house had been a rough place, even before his older brother died, at 10, after an asthma attack, he said.
他说，他的家里是一个很让人难受的地方，在他哥哥在10岁时因哮喘发作去世之前就是这样了。
His parents, immigrants from Ireland, were both drinkers, and Patrick had slipped into the role of his mother’s protector.
他的父母都是来自爱尔兰的移民，而且都酗酒，帕特里克于是不知不觉地扮演起了他母亲的保护者的角色。
One of his earliest memories is of picking shards of glass out of her foot after his father had thrown a plate at her.
他最早的记忆之一是他父亲把一个盘子扔向他母亲，然后他从母亲脚上拔出玻璃碎片。
Therapy set off a cascade of changes in Mr. Teahan life.
治疗在蒂汉的生活中引发了一连串的变化。
His father had died, but on Ms. Curtin’s advice, he cut ties with his mother, a step which he later described as “the beginning for me of having a sense of self.”
他的父亲已经去世，但是根据柯廷的建议，他与母亲断绝了关系，他后来把这一步形容为“拥有自我意识的开始”。
Many parents find their way to Joshua Coleman, a Bay Area psychologist whose book, “Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict,” describes his own daughter’s estrangement and reconciliation.
许多父母找到了约书亚·科尔曼，他是旧金山湾区的一位心理学家，他的著作《疏远的规则：为什么成年子女断绝关系以及如何化解冲突》描述了他与自己女儿的疏远和和解。
Dr. Coleman said his mailing list now includes 13,000 parents whose children have cut them off.
科尔曼博士说，他的邮件列表里现在有13000名父母，他们的孩子已经与他们断绝了关系。
“In my practice I see the generations talking past each other,” Dr. Coleman said.
“在我的治疗实践中，我看到不同代的人在各说各话，”科尔曼博士说，
“Younger generations who are in therapy, they are coming to their parents saying they were traumatized, abused, neglected — and the parents are like, ‘What the hell are you talking about?’”
“在接受治疗的年轻一代，他们会去找父母，说自己受到了创伤、虐待、忽视——而父母会说，‘你到底在说什么？’”
Behind this wave of estrangements, Dr. Coleman says, is an ever-lower threshold for what we view as “trauma.”
科尔曼博士说，在这阵疏远趋势的背后是我们对“创伤”的定义门槛越来越低。
He advises parents against defending themselves.
他建议父母不要为自己争辩。
Instead, he coaches them in writing what he calls “amends letters,” apologizing for their shortcomings and adopting the therapeutic language that their children are using.
相反，他指导父母们写“改过信”，为自己的缺点道歉，并采用他们的孩子正在使用的心理治疗的语言。
In this negotiation, he tells them, their children have the power.
他告诉父母们，在这场谈判中，拥有权力的是孩子。
“I say, this is not marriage therapy — you don’t get to talk about how you were hurt or betrayed.
“我说，这不是婚姻咨询——你不能谈论你是如何受到伤害或背叛的。
It’s more like your spouse is willing to give you another chance,” he said.
这更像是你的配偶愿意再给你一次机会。”他说。
While estrangement may have some benefit for adult children, “for the parents, it’s all downside — shame, guilt, regret,” he said.
虽然疏远可能对成年子女有一些好处，科尔曼博士说，“但对父母来说，疏远全是坏处——羞耻、内疚、后悔”。
