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Business
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Bartleby
巴托比专栏
Lifting the veil
揭开面纱
A retiring consultant’s advice on consultants.
一位即将退休的顾问就如何对付其他顾问提供的建议。
Dear Robin,
亲爱的罗宾，
I was delighted when you commissioned me to prepare this report for you after our discussion at the club.
很高兴我们在俱乐部进行讨论之后，你委托我为你撰写这份报告。
As a newly appointed chief executive at a Fortune 500 company, a thrilling yet perilous adventure awaits you.
作为一家财富500强公司的新任首席执行官，一场刺激又危险的冒险之旅正等着你。
I commend your wisdom in choosing to hire a management consultant to guide you on your way.
你选择聘请一位管理顾问来指引你前进的道路，对这一明智的做法我表示赞赏。
I, naturally, would have been ideally positioned, given my many years of experience serving your company’s principal rival.
鉴于我为贵公司的主要竞争对手服务多年，我自然本可以是一个合适的人选。
Alas, the time comes in every man’s life when he must hang up his hat and retire to his home in the Bahamas.
只可惜每个人总有一天都必将挂冠而归，退休后回到巴哈马群岛的家中。
As my swan song, I have thrown together, as requested, a few thoughts on how to handle my kind.
作为我的告别之作，我应要求就如何对付其他顾问提出了一些想法。
I hope you find the attached 120-page PowerPoint presentation useful.
希望所附的120页PPT演示文稿对您有所帮助。
Below you will find a brief summary.
以下是简短的摘要。
Be ready for the “bait and switch”: Do not be fooled by the eloquent veterans who will turn up to your office to plead for your business.
准备好应对“上钩掉包”：不要被那些口才极好、来到你的办公室为你的公司辩护的老手所蒙骗。
The work will mostly be done by clever but pimply 20-somethings, armed with two-by-two matrix frameworks recycled from client to client.
实际工作主要会由长着粉刺、头脑聪明的20多岁的年轻人完成，他们配备着二乘二矩阵框图，从一家客户沿用到下一家客户。
What they lack in wisdom will be made up for in long hours.
他们所缺乏的智慧将通过长时间加班而得到弥补。
You need not feel sorry for them.
你不必为他们感到难过。
They are cocooned in a shell of fancy meals, lavish hotels and private drivers—at your expense.
毕竟他们一直享用着美味佳肴、豪华酒店和私人司机--这些费用都由你支付。
At first you will find them to be of no use at all—detrimental, even—as they harry your management team with endless questions and urgent requests for data.
起初，你会发现他们毫无用处--甚至是有害的--因为他们用没完没了的问题和紧急索要数据的请求让你的管理团队不胜其烦。
Eventually, they will win you over with their brains and gumption—or be quietly replaced.
但最终，他们会用他们的头脑和勇气赢得你的欢心--或者他们会被不声不响地换掉。
Meanwhile, those grey-haired senior partners will pop by from time to time.
与此同时，那些头发花白的高级合伙人会不时来访。
Beware.
要当心了。
Watch out for “land and expand”: We consultants are masters of the clandestine sale.
当心“土地扩张”：我们这些顾问是暗度陈仓的高手。
If you hire us for a two-month project, it will assuredly take 12.
如果你雇我们做一个为期两个月的项目，那么最后肯定要花12个月的时间。
By the time it ends, our tentacles will have spread.
到项目快结束的时候，我们的手已经伸得很长了。
Ask for a new company strategy, blink, and we will be cutting your costs, fixing your IT systems and tinkering with your supply chain.
要问有什么新的公司战略，我们会眨眨眼睛，承诺将帮您削减成本、修复IT系统，完善供应链。
Like many other bosses, you may one day tire of our eye-watering rates and decide to poach the cleverest consultants for yourself.
像其他老板一样，你可能有一天会对我们的高昂费用感到厌倦，并决定亲自挖来最聪明的顾问。
We will happily oblige.
我们很乐意遵从您的意愿。
The most reliable missionary for the merits of consulting is one of our own.
最会宣传咨询的益处的其实就是我们的自己人。
The more senior, the better.
资历越高越好。
Hire them, but do not give them the cheque book.
雇佣他们吧，但不要让他们随意支取费用。
Question everything: Every self-respecting consultant knows that big recommendations demand big numbers.
质疑一切：每个有自尊的顾问都知道，大客户的推荐需要有大额的数字。
As a rule, divide everything you see by two.
一般来说，你所看到的一切数字都要除以2。
Never trust a benchmark; I made up most of mine.
永远不要相信基准数，我的大部分基准数都是自己编的。
And carefully read those endless notes at the bottom of charts.
仔细阅读图表底部的超长注释。
That is often where the dirtiest secrets are buried.
这里往往隐藏着最肮脏的秘密。
Be doubly dubious of any consulting reports your underlings happen to commission, especially when they recommend a bigger budget for said underling.
对你下属委托别人撰写的任何咨询报告都要加倍怀疑，特别是当报告建议为该下属提供更大的预算时。
Take none of the blame: As a freshly minted chief executive, you are undoubtedly brimming with ideas.
不要接受任何责备：作为一名新上任的首席执行官，你的脑袋里肯定充满了各种想法。
Many of them are terrible.
其中许多想法都很糟糕。
Some may prove catastrophic.
还有一些可能被证明是灾难性的。
Among the valuable services offered by management consultants is the human shield.
在管理顾问提供的各种宝贵服务中，其中一个就是当替罪羊。
Make sure your board knows it was they who recommended the disastrous new product line or the overpriced acquisition.
一定要让董事会知道，这个无比失败的新产品线或价格过高的收购交易是顾问推荐你做的。
You always had your doubts, but trusted their illustrious reputations.
你一直心怀疑虑，但还是相信了他们的优良声誉。
Equally, your consultants may, from time to time, stumble upon a good idea.
同样，你的顾问也可能会偶尔发现一个好主意。
You thought of it first.
那当然是你先想到的。
Experiment with polygamy: Your consultants will do their utmost to woo you into exclusivity.
尝试一夫多妻制：你的顾问会尽最大努力让你钟情于他一人。
There will be much talk of “long-term partnership”.
他会和你谈很多“长期伙伴关系”。
Yet it is a one-sided monogamy they seek.
然而，他们寻求的是单方面的一夫一妻制。
Fidelity is not in a consultant’s nature.
忠贞并非顾问的本性。
Chances are they are already advising your competitors, with only the thinnest of Chinese walls between teams.
他们很可能已经在为你的竞争对手提供建议，你和对手之间只有薄薄的一墙之隔。
Follow their example and hire their rivals, too.
你应该以他们为榜样，也聘用他们的竞争对手。
Ideally, sit them in adjacent rooms at your offices.
最好是让他们坐在你办公室的隔壁房间里。
Consultants are fiercely competitive, and nothing will better spur them on to even longer reports than seeing their nemeses wandering the halls of your company.
顾问行业的竞争非常激烈，没有什么比看到他们的死对头在你的公司大厅里闲逛更能激励他们写出长长的报告了。
If bored, invite representatives of two warring firms to a meeting and watch them tussle for your favour.
如果你感到无聊，那就邀请两家正在交战的公司代表来开会，看他们为了争取你的好感而互斗。
As I look back on my career, I am not too proud to admit that I have occasionally fleeced the odd firm.
当我回顾我的职业生涯时，我可以厚着脸皮承认，我偶尔敲了几个公司的竹杠。
But I maintain that my profession is a noble one.
但我坚持认为我的职业是高尚的。
“Impact”, after all, is our industry’s watchword.
毕竟，“影响力”是我们这个行业的口号。
(Admittedly, I never was quite clear what it meant, but you cannot deny it sounds lofty.)
(诚然，我一直不太清楚它是什么意思，但不能否认这个词听起来很崇高。)
One final thought to conclude: there is never a problem too big or small for a consultant.
最后一个想法是：凡事不嫌大小，皆可咨询。
That I can confirm from experience.
这一点可以从经验中得到证实。
Your bill, including expenses, is attached.
随信已附上您的账单，内含各项费用。
Good luck.
祝您好运。
