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Donna Talarico sat at her computer one morning, stared at the screen and realized she had forgotten - again! - her password.
一天早上，唐娜•塔拉里科(Donna Talarico)坐在电脑前，眼睛直直地看着屏幕，发觉自己──又忘了登录密码！
She was having financial difficulties at the time, and was reading self-help books to boost her mood and self-confidence. The books talked about the power of positive affirmation - which gave her an idea: She changed her various passwords to private messages to herself, like 'imawe$some1' or 'dogoodworktoday.'
那段时间，塔拉里科遇到些财务问题，正在阅读励志书籍，以期重振旗鼓、提升自信。励志书中谈到积极肯定的力量，让她灵感突发：于是她把自己的各种验证密码都改成了一些带有自我积极暗示的字词或句子，例如“imawe$some1”、“dogoodworktoday”等等。
'It's something so simple,' says the 34-year-old marketing manager at Elizabethtown College, in Pennsylvania. 'It just reinforces that you're a good person. You can do a good job at whatever you are trying to talk yourself into.'
塔拉里科现年34岁，在宾夕法尼亚州伊丽莎白城学院(Elizabethtown College)担任市场经理。她回忆说，“那个密码应该是很简单的一句话，只是强调你是一个好人、可以做好任何自己想尝试的事情之类的。”
In times of stress, even people with close social networks can feel utterly alone. We're often advised to 'buck up,' 'talk to someone' (who is often paid to listen) or take a pill. Wouldn't it also make sense to learn ways to comfort and be supportive of ourselves?
压力大时，哪怕一些平时经常参加社交活动的人也会产生很强烈的孤独感。这个时候，我们得到的建议往往是“振作点”，“找人聊聊”（往往是我们付钱让别人听），或者吃片药。既然这样，为什么我们不试着学学自我放松、自我鼓舞呢？
Think of it as becoming our own best friend, or our own personal coach, ready with the kind of encouragement and tough love that works best for us. After all, who else knows us better than ourselves? If that sounds crazy, bear in mind it sure beats turning to chocolate, alcohol or your Pekingese for support.
想想看，自己做自己最好的朋友或者私人教练，用最适合自己的方式鼓励或严格要求自己，不是很棒吗？毕竟，还有谁会比我们更了解自己呢？如果这种想法听起来有些异想天开，那你就错了，记住，比起不停地吃巧克力、用酒精麻痹自己或者向自己的宠物寻求慰藉，自我调节要好上千百倍。
Experts say that to feel better you need to treat yourself kindly - this is called 'self-compassion' - and focus on the positive, by being optimistic. Research shows self-compassionate people cope better with everything from a major relationship breakup to the loss of their car keys. They don't compound their misery by beating themselves up over every unfortunate accident or mistake. Car broke down? Sure, it's a drag, but it doesn't make you an idiot.
专家表示，要让自己感觉好一点，我们需要善待自己──对此有个专门的名词叫做“自我同情”(self-compassion)，另外，还要保持乐观心态，学会积极看待事物。研究显示，会自我同情的人能够更好地处理各种状况，不论是重大的感情破裂还是丢了汽车钥匙。遇到不幸或犯错时，这样的人不容易过于自责，加重自己的负担。汽车抛锚了？没错，遇到这种事是挺烦的，但我们不值得为此像白痴一样抓狂。
'They are treating themselves like a kind friend,' says Mark Leary, professor of psychology and neuroscience at Duke University. 'When bad things happen to a friend, you wouldn't yell at him.'
杜克大学(Duke University)心理学和神经科学教授马克•莱亚里(Mark Leary)表示，懂得自我同情的人会像对好朋友一样对自己，“如果一个好朋友遇到麻烦，你是不会向他发脾气的。”
In 15 studies conducted over the past seven years, Dr. Leary has found that self-compassionate people are happier. Three of the studies, soon to be published, examine how self-compassion affects people over age 65. The studies found that people who accepted memory lapses, arthritis and other difficulties of getting older, and who treated themselves extra nicely on tough days, reported more positive emotions and were coping better with the aging process.
莱亚里博士从过去七年间进行的15项研究中发现，懂得自我同情的人会更幸福。其中三项研究成果很快即将公开发表，主要研究的是自我同情能力对65岁以上老年人的影响。研究发现，能够坦然接受因为上了年纪而造成的失忆、关节炎或其他问题的人，以及在艰难时刻能够特别善待自己的人，情绪上往往更加积极向上，也更能够轻松面对自己的自然衰老。
Self-compassion helps people overcome life's little, and not-so-little, stressors, such as public speaking. In another study, Dr. Leary asked people to stand in front of a videocamera and make up a story starting with the phrase, 'Once there was a little bear. . .' Then he asked them to critique their performance, captured on videotape.
自我同情能够帮助人们克服日常生活中遇到的大大小小的压力事件，例如公开演讲。在另一项研究中，莱亚里博士要求被研究对象站在摄像机镜头前，以“从前，有一头小熊……”起头当场编一个故事出来。然后，他让被研究的对象回看录像，对自己的表现作出点评。
People whom the study had identified as being high in self-compassion admitted they looked silly, recognized the task wasn't easy and joked about it. People low in self-compassion gave harsh self-criticism.
这些被研究对象事先已经接受过自我同情能力测试，其中，自我同情能力测试结果较高的人在看完录像回放后往往会承认，自己在镜头前看起来很傻，要完成这项任务很不容易，他们甚至会拿自己的表现开开玩笑。而自我同情能力测试结果较低的人则往往会进行严厉的自责。
Experts say you can learn self-compassion in real time. You can train your brain to focus on the positive - even if you're wired to see the glass as half empty. A person's perspective, or outlook, is influenced by factors including genetic makeup (is he prone to depression?), experiences (what happened to him?) and 'cognitive bias' (how does he interpret his experiences?). We can't change our genes or our experiences, but experts say we can change the way we interpret what has happened in the past.
专家表示，我们可以随时培养自己的自我同情能力。我们可以通过训练，让大脑专注于积极向上的一面──即便一些人习惯于悲观看待问题。人的想法或观点受到很多因素的影响，包括基因构成（先天具有忧郁倾向？）、生活经历（以前经历过什么？）和“认知偏向”（习惯于如何理解自己的经历？）等。我们无法改变自己的基因构成和过去的生活经历，但专业人士指出，我们能够改变自己对过往经历的理解方式。
Everyone has an optimistic and a pessimistic circuit in their brain, says Elaine Fox, visiting research professor at the University of Oxford, England, and director of the Affective Neuroscience Laboratory in the Department of Psychology at the University of Essex. Fear, rooted in the amygdala, helps us identify and respond to threats and is at the root of pessimism. Optimism, in contrast, is rooted in the nucleus accumbens, the brain's pleasure center, which responds to food, sex and other healthy, good things in life.
《大脑的阴天与晴天》(Rainy Brain, Sunny Brain)一书作者、英国埃塞克斯大学(University of Essex)心理系情感认知神经科学实验室(Affective Neuroscience Laboratory)主任、牛津大学(University of Oxford)客座研究教授伊莱恩•福克斯(Elaine Fox)表示，人的大脑中既有一个乐观的神经回路，也有一个悲观的神经回路。发源于杏仁体的恐惧情绪能够帮助我们对威胁进行识别和反应，也是悲观情绪产生的根源。而乐观情绪则发源于大脑的“快乐中枢”伏隔核，这里的神经元会促使人对食物、性和其他生活中健康、美好的食物作出反应。
'The most resilient people experience a wide range of emotions, both negative and positive,' says Dr. Fox, author of 'Rainy Brain, Sunny Brain.' To enjoy life and feel good, people need roughly four positive emotions to counteract the effect of one negative emotion, she says. People who experience life as drudgery had two or even one positive emotion for every negative one, Dr. Fox has found.
福克斯博士说，“最达观的人能够体验到各类情绪，有乐观的，也有悲观的。”她表示，要享受生活、保持良好感觉，一个人大约需要动用四种正面情绪来抵抗一种负面情绪的影响。她发现，觉得生活悲苦的人往往只有一到两种正面情绪来对抗某种负面情绪。
It's possible to change your cognitive bias by training the brain to focus more on the positive than on the negative. In the lab, Dr. Fox showed subjects pairs of images, one negative (the aftermath of a bomb blast, say) and one either positive (a cute child) or neutral (an office). Participants were asked to point out, as quickly as possible, a small target that appeared immediately after each positive or neutral image - subliminally requiring them to pay less attention to the negative images, which had no target.
实验表明，我们是有可能通过训练大脑多关注正面信息、少关注负面信息，最终改变自己的认知倾向的。福克斯博士在实验中向参与对象每次展示两幅图像，一幅是负面的（例如某个爆炸案现场的图片），一幅则是正面的（例如一个可爱的孩子）或者中性的（例如一间办公室）。研究人员在每次展示完正面或中性的图片后都会要求参与对象尽快说出头脑中闪现了什么，而在展示完负面图片后则没有这个要求，以此潜移默化地降低实验对象对负面信息的关注度。
Want to try this at home? Write down, in a journal, the positive and negative things that happen to you each day, whether running into an old friend or missing your bus. Try for four positives for each negative. You'll be training your brain to look for the good even as you acknowledge the bad, Dr. Fox says.
福克斯博士表示，如果读者想在家里尝试这个训练，可以在日记本中写下每天遇到的开心和不开心的事情，例如意外遇到一位老友，或者没能赶上一班公交车。但要注意每写下一件不开心的事情，要尽量同时写下四件开心的事情。如此这般，大脑逐渐就会习惯去寻找积极向上的东西，即便我们依然会面对或发现一些负面的东西。
When I asked, I was pleasantly surprised by the number and variety of ways people said they treat themselves with compassion, care and kindness. Anittah Patrick, a 35-year-old online marketing consultant in Philadelphia, celebrated her emergence from a long depression by making herself a valentine. She covered an old picture frame with lace and corks from special bottles of wine, and drew a big heart inside. Using old computer keys, she spelled out the message 'Welc*me Back.' Then she put it on her dressing table, where she sees it every morning. 'It's a nice reminder that I'll get through whatever challenge I'm facing,' she says.
当我向人们询问时，惊喜地发现大家自我同情、自我关心和自我爱护的方式方法多种多样、不胜枚举。费城35岁的网络营销顾问安妮塔•帕特里克(Anittah Patrick)以给自己过一个情人节的方式，庆祝自己从长期的抑郁症中走出来。她用蕾丝包住一个老相框，用特殊葡萄酒瓶的软木塞在里面拼出一个大大的心形图案，还用旧的电脑键盘上的按键，拼出“Welc*me Back”字样，然后把它摆放在梳妆台上，让自己每天早上都能看到。她说，“这能够很好地提醒我自己，我能够面对任何困难的挑战。”
If Kris Wittenberg, a 45-year-old entrepreneur from Vail, Colo., starts to feel bad, she tells herself 'Stop,' and jots down something she is grateful for. She writes down at least five things at the end of each day. 'You start to see how many negative thoughts you have,' she says.
来自科罗拉多州韦尔市(Vail)、现年45岁的企业主克里斯•维滕贝格(Kris Wittenberg)在感觉不好时，会对自己“喊停”，然后记下一些让她感激的事情。每天终了，她至少能记下五件这样的事情。她说，“这时候你就会开始意识到自己之前的想法有多悲观。”
Kevin Kilpatrick, 55, a college professor and children's author in San Diego, talks to himself - silently, unless he is in the car - going over everything positive he has accomplished recently. 'It helps me to hear it out loud, especially from the voice that's usually screaming at me to do better, work harder and whatever else it wants to berate me about,' he says.
圣迭戈市(San Diego)55岁的大学教授、童书作家凯文•基尔帕特里克(Kevin Kilpatrick)会在心里默默过一遍最近完成的每一件开心的事情，如果当时是坐在自己车里他就会大声说出来。他说，“这么做能够让我自己清楚地听到开心的事情，特别是在心中还有个声音嘶吼着要求自己做得更好、工作更努力些等等让我忍不住自责的情况下。”
Adam Urbanski, 42, who owns a marketing firm and lives in Irvine, Calif., keeps a binder labeled 'My Raving Fans' in his office. Filling it are more than 100 cards and letters from clients and business contacts thanking him for his help. 'All it takes is reading a couple of them to realize that I do make a difference,' Mr. Urbanski says.
加州欧文市(Irvine)42岁的亚当•乌尔班斯基(Adam Urbanski)经营着一家市场营销公司，他在办公室里放了一本标记为“我的铁杆粉丝”(My Raving Fans)的活页夹，里面有100多张名片，还有客户和生意上的联络人寄来的感谢信。他说，“只要从里面拿几封感谢信出来读一读，就会让我觉得自己还是有作为的。”
He has something he calls his '1-800-DE-FUNK line.' It's not a real number, but a strategy he uses when he is upset. He calls a friend, vents for 60 seconds, then asks her about her problems. 'It's amazing how five minutes of working on someone else's problems makes my own disappear,' he says. Sometimes, as a reality check, he asks himself, 'What Would John Nash Think?' in honor of the mathematician, Nobel laureate and subject of the film 'A Beautiful Mind,' who suffered from paranoid schizophrenia.
乌尔班斯基还有一个他自己称之为“1-800-DE-FUNK”热线的秘密武器，这当然不是一个真的电话号码，而是他在自己情绪不佳时的一种应对策略。他会给一个朋友打电话，自己发泄一分钟左右，然后听朋友讲述她所遇到的问题。他说，“花个五分钟时间讨论别人遇到的问题，自己的问题反而好像消失了，这真的很神奇。”有时候，为了让自己清醒一些，他会问自己，“如果是约翰•纳什(John Nash)会怎么想呢？”这也是出于对这位数学家、诺贝尔经济学奖得主的一种敬重。约翰•纳什患有偏执型精神分裂症，是电影《美丽心灵》(A Beautiful Mind)主人翁的原型。
Are things really as dire as he thinks? Is he overreacting? 'It always turns out that whatever keeps me down isn't really as bad as I thought,' Mr. Urbanski says.
乌尔班斯基表示，设想了约翰•纳什的偏执想法后，自己会忖度，“事情真有他想的那么恐怖吗？他是不是反应过度了？思量到最后，我总是会意识到，其实情况不像我原来想象的那么糟糕。”
