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Work travel is an increasingly important aspect of the globalised economy. While much attention is paid to the costs and logistics of business travel, little is paid to its effects on close relationships.
出差是全球化经济中一个越来越重要的方面。人们重视出差的成本和行程安排，却不太关注出差对亲情的影响。
Although such travel is not necessarily detrimental to family life, problems can arise when spouses and children feel abandoned. Dealing with the potential resulting guilt, loneliness or resentment is a challenge that parents manage in both creative and destructive ways.
出差未必会对家庭生活造成有害影响，但如果配偶和子女产生被遗弃感，就可能出问题。出差可能引起内疚、孤独或怨恨等情感，大人们在遇到这种问题时，有的会采取积极的对策，也有的会消极以对。
Adjusting when returning home can be problematic as pent-up feelings may be released, good and bad. Being greeted with hugs from excited children feels exhilarating, but arguments arising from brewing resentments between partners can spoil an anticipated blissful reunion. Readjusting from hotels and digital communication to the intimacy of family life can leave travellers feeling emotionally out of balance.
如何调试回家以后的生活可能是个问题，因为被压抑的情绪（无论好的还是坏的）到这时可能会释放出来。孩子们兴高采烈的拥抱让人高兴，但伴侣之间累积的怨恨导致的争吵，可能会毁掉期待多时的幸福团聚。从酒店和数字化沟通的生活，切换到亲密无间的家庭生活，可能会让出差归来者在情感上感到失去平衡。
One mother of three, who travels on average three weeks a month, says that in order to survive the time apart from her children she finds it easier not to think about them. “I miss them terribly, but at the same time my way of coping is to pretend almost that they are not there,” she says. “It’s like they are living in a parallel universe, but not one that I’m in at the moment.”
一位有3个孩子的母亲平均每个月出差3周。她觉得，当自己不在孩子身边时到，不去想孩子会好过一点。“我非常想他们，但同时我应对思念的方式就是几乎假装自己没孩子。”她说，“就好像他们生活在一个平行宇宙里，而不在我目前所在的宇宙里。”
Her husband’s recent redundancy has made her family life even more stressful and she finds that travel provides a much needed escape. “When things are so awful, it is nice to be on another continent and to pretend that none of this is happening. It’s like your own little world that belongs to you where you’re not a mother, and you are not necessarily an employee, you’re just this person that goes and sees people.”
丈夫最近被裁员，也让她的家庭生活变得更加紧张，她觉得出差能让她逃避这种紧张，这正是她目前急需的。“情况这么糟的时候，能去另一片大陆、假装这一切都没有发生，这挺不错的。就好像拥有了属于你自己的小小世界，在这里你不是母亲，也未必得是员工，你只是个四处走、四处看人的旅人。”
Although the children are excited to see her when she returns, they also have ways of expressing their dissatisfaction with her absences. Her eldest daughter tells her, “I just try not to think about you”, while her youngest can express his displeasure by ignoring her and preferring his father.
尽管孩子们见到她回来很高兴，但他们也用自己的方式表达对她不在家的不满。大女儿对她说：“我就试着不想你。”小儿子则不太理她，只愿意跟爸爸呆在一起，以此表达对她的不满。
School evenings can be a reminder of the cost of her absences. “I didn’t even know which teacher was my child’s and that’s when you think, ‘Am I really a bad parent?’, and that’s when the soul-searching happens.”
家长会让她体会到经常不在家的代价。“我甚至不知道哪个是我孩子的老师，这种时候你就会想，‘我真的是个坏家长吗？’你会开始反思。”
Peter Fonagy, a child psychoanalyst and chief executive of the Anna Freud Centre in London, has travelled extensively over several decades and many continents for his career. On reflection, he regrets time spent away from his family. “If you ask me now if this was the best way to bring up a family, I would say no,” Prof Fonagy says. “I might have pretended that it was all to do with supporting the family, when it actually was much more to do with my career.”
儿童心理学家、伦敦安娜•弗洛伊德中心(Anna Freud Centre)的首席执行官彼得•福纳吉(Peter Fonagy)几十年来因为工作关系经常出差，去过很多大洲。回忆往事，他后悔自己有那么多时间不在家。“如果你现在问我，这是不是养育子女的最好方式，我会告诉你，不是。”福纳吉说，“我以前可能假装这都是为了养家，但事实上为了事业需要的成分要大得多。”
He says: “If you ask my kids if I spent too much time away, they would say ‘Yes’. Would I be sad about that? Yes, I would be sad about that.”
他说：“如果你问我的孩子们，我是不是太不着家了，他们会说，‘是的’。他们这样说会让我感到难过吗？是的，我会感到难过。”
He continues: “My suspicion is that a lot of men are a little bit like me. We persuade ourselves that we are not necessary because our wives are so wonderful and better without us. And we convince ourselves that what we are doing for the family and the world at large is just so important that without that degree of person-to-person contact, the world as we know it would disappear down a plughole.”
他接着说：“我觉得许多男性都有点跟我一样。我们说服自己，我们不是一定得留在家里，因为我们的妻子那么好，我们不在家她们做得更好。我们还说服自己，我们为家庭、以及整个世界所做的事情是那么重要，没有这种频繁的面对面接触，我们所知的这个世界就会土崩瓦解。”
Prof Fonagy believes work travel alone does not necessarily cause significant distress in children in the way that a father who is present and who is exceptionally negative or critical can. “Travelling becomes an issue when it creates conflicts between the parents – that is toxic for the children.”
福纳吉教授认为，经常在家、但是特别消沉或严厉的父亲会让孩子感到非常痛苦，仅是经常出差的父亲倒未必一定会让自己的孩子像那样痛苦。“只有在出差导致父母发生冲突时，出差才会成为问题——父母间的冲突对孩子是有害的。”
Reactions to being left alone vary. On the positive side, it might encourage spouses left behind to seek more creative outlets or develop themselves professionally. For others, the time apart may even suit them.
对于伴侣不在家，不同人的反应是不一样的。从好的方面来看，这或许会鼓励夫妻中被留在家中的那一位尝试去做更有意义的事情，或寻求职业发展。还有些人甚至更适合这种伴侣不在家的生活。
On the other hand, the spouse at home might feel abandoned, lonely or resentful. They might even retaliate by finding another relationship. Some of their frustration might become unconsciously directed towards the children, or demanding better behaviour from them to compensate for being a largely sole parent.
另一方面，被留在家中的伴侣可能会觉得受冷落、觉得孤独或心生怨恨。他们甚至可能会另寻新欢来报复。他们可能会不自觉地将郁闷发泄到孩子身上，或要求孩子表现更好、以补偿自己经常独自照顾孩子的付出。
One woman who struggled with an eating disorder felt relief when her husband left on business trips to South America because she was able to indulge in bingeing. Food replaced intimacy, and this helped her to mitigate feelings of loneliness. “When he started to go away I was excited, I could be left to my own devices, with food, and to smoke as much pot as I wanted,” she says. “Looking back, it was dreadful.”
一名患有饮食紊乱症的女性在丈夫出差去南美时感到如释重负，因为丈夫走后她就可以埋头狂吃了。食物取代了亲密，这帮助她缓解了孤独感。她说：“以前当他开始出差时，我很高兴，我能想干什么就干什么了，想吃多少就吃多少，想抽多少大麻就抽多少。”她又说：“那样的生活真是不堪回首。”
Her husband also admits that he opted for more trips than necessary to escape a volatile marriage. He also avoided conversations with his children so as not to feel sadness and guilt. “On one side you’re punching yourself because you haven’t spoken to them – on the other side, I just didn’t want to talk to them because it was too painful.”
她丈夫也承认，出那么多差并非工作需要，而是他自己选择的，目的是逃离动荡的婚姻。他还避免跟孩子说话，就是为了避免难过和负罪感。“一方面你感到无比自责，因为你一直没有跟孩子们说话，另一方面，我就是不想跟他们说话，因为跟他们说话让我太痛苦。”
It was only when his wife recovered from her eating disorder that she began to feel lonely, and came to acknowledge her dependency on her husband. “Now I have that longing for him, I’m excited to see him. I realise I’m not as tough as I thought I was without him.” Since her recovery, the travel brings new challenges. “When he gets back now, I’m very anxious because I feel I have to be this welcoming wife with open arms. And I get quite emotional, because I hold in all my tension while he’s away.”
直到治愈了饮食紊乱症，他的妻子才开始感觉到孤独，并承认了自己对丈夫的依赖。“现在我会想他，会很高兴见到他回来。我意识到，在没有他的时候，我不如自己以为的那样坚强。”自从她康复后，出差又带来了新的难题。“现在每当他回家的时候，我就非常紧张，因为我觉得我得做出欢迎的样子，张开双臂拥抱他。我会变得非常情绪化，因为他不在家的时候我一直把所有情绪都压在心底。”
Her husband adds that a much anticipated reunion often results in an argument as pent-up feelings are released.
她丈夫说，备受期待的团聚往往以争吵收场，因为压抑的情绪会一下子爆发出来。
Indeed, although homecomings can be jubilant, the returnee can be exhausted, jet-lagged and out of sync with home life. The spouse can also feel that their routine is disrupted, as well as a rush of emotions that have been repressed during the absence.
事实上，尽管旅途归来令人欣喜，但他本人或许会非常疲惫，时差还没倒过来，也还没适应在家的生活。一直在家的伴侣或许也会觉得自己的节奏被打乱了，另一半离家时被压抑的情绪也会爆发出来。
Prof Fonagy believes, in general, that relationships do not work on a long-distance basis. “The human mind is not designed to maintain genuine partnerships by writing emails, or through Skype, people need to be together. I’m sure there’s lots of examples of successful long-distance relationships, however, on average, I think the more you neglect a relationship, the more the relationship will neglect you.”
福纳吉教授认为，通常而言，长距离感情是无法维系的。“通过写邮件或Skype通话来维持伴侣关系是不符合人类天性的——伴侣必须在一起生活。当然，我相信有许多成功维系长距离感情的例子，但一般而言，我认为你越忽视一段感情，那段感情就越离你而去。”
