Here is something I have just learnt from the past week. Anna helped me go through several essays and pointed out: all right, there are minor errors in grammar and spelling, but the most serious problem is the organization of ideas. "When you are taking TOEFL," she added, "you basically need to shut half of your brain down."
True story.
It is very easy to get into a swamp of critical thinking and an entry level writer usually tries really hard on fixing those loopholes in their logic, while ignoring the way he delivers ideas. All those independent writing questions are quite simple and mostly controversial. You might never find a perfect saying to fix it. But the raters don't care about if the question itself is precisely asked or not. They care your language.
Building up an easy-access system of building up articles is more important than those delicately rephrasing process. What her final comment is attached here, just as a heads-up:
You have not clearly (or obviously) stated your thesis statement throughout the essay. In the opening and closing paragraphs the TS is also very we "You have not clearly (or obviously) stated your thesis statement throughout the essay. In the opening and closing paragraphs the TS is also very weak. Towards the end you become more organized, but the second paragraph is completely lost on me."
Then she gave me a specific instruction on effectively organizing an essay. I did what she told me, which helps a lot.
Below is what have done within thirty minutes.
k. Towards the end you become more organized, but the second paragraph is completely lost on me. You have not clearly (or obviously) stated your thesis statement throughout the essay. In the opening and closing paragraphs the TS is also very wek. Towards the end you become more organized, but the second paragraph is completely lost on me
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Spending money on travelling is better than saving money for future use. (20101105NA)
I am always seeing things from the perspectives of young people. I don’t think it is the best idea to start saving money too early. Instead, go travelling as much as we can is a better choice.
Simply stated, travelling benefits the future. A widespread phrase “illness of modernity” largely refers to the uncertainty and anxiety towards the future among young people. This feeling comes, in my opinion, mainly from a lack of experience exploring the world. It happened to me several years ago when I suddenly realized a history major student like myself was trapped between reality and ideality. So I chose to take one year off from college, which is more often called “gap year” to work and travel all over the world. I took interns in Bulgaria and Poland, bicycled through the entire Europe, stayed with American family, spent leisure summer in Spain, took care of autistic kids in Krakow and taught Chinese culture in Sofia. I spent all my money on this trip until I almost went broke. But I had such a clear picture for future and the experience I gained from this trip basically made me very compatible in the job market.
People may question that it would be a little less than responsible for later years not to save up to a fund. Apparently, this concern ignores the fact that we will have plenty of opportunities to make money in the future. Travelling during the early years, in turn, will definitely provide us even more chances. A lot of my friends are world travellers as well. They experienced so much that they are very aware of what the general trends of culture, fashion and even policies of multiple countries they have been to. They are always very insightful and could easily go one step earlier and further than most of the peers. After the global trips, some of them have chosen to devote themselves in academic institutions, some in journalism and freelance writing to continue exploring and some, like me, chose to work in a company. All of these people now are making very good money and the life they are living now is even better than the future they expected years earlier.
And then we need to consider a more practical aspect: are we really able to travel when we are older? Certainly a huge pressure from expense of raising children, maintaining a family and duties in work will stop people from carrying out their travel plans. Young people have relatively flexible schedule that reduces the risk of spending more energy in begging for a vacation or caring for, say, how their kids behave in kindergartens. My professor always encouraged me. He said, “go kid, if I were you, I would seriously consider postponing my research of Latin American countries because knowing that place from simply historical documents without actually being there and talked to people there apparently caused so much trouble in understanding their politics and culture.” He was right. I am still young. I have nothing now. And of course I have nothing to lose. That is the spirit.
So let’s go back to the topic we’ve been discussing. When we are young, there are so many benefits if we just pack a map and take with us the only dollars we keep in the pockets and set off. Spend the money now for the future. It is never too late. (575 words, Ge Xu; 2013/1/16)