Topic（题目）：

An effective leader tries to make others feel they are part of a decision.

Target text（文章正文）:

If you have ever watched a couple of American movies about heroes, you will find one apparent phenomena that people always try to make decisions alone as heroes. However, things are going to be different in the case of reality. In the human society, leaders cannot make a significant decision without others help.

First of all, as a human being, everyone is thought to be limited in some areas. We can not claim that someone who is the best for everything around him. In addition, the realistic problems are always complex at the same time causing that one person cannot figure out the whole situation in some degrees. Take my uncle Li for example. My uncle served as a monitor when he was in his university. He always had to come up with various ideas for activities for the whole class. At first time, he could create a couple of activities by himself. But after about three months, he found that it was difficult for him to work out these sorts of things. Then he asked his partner JIN for help. Jin was the roommates of my uncle and he was a member of several students clubs. He could give my uncle much more advices about what to do for class activities. Since then not only did my uncle do a better job as a monitor, but his classmates could also feel happy during their funny activities. To be a leader should find his or her limits and figure things out with others better in a particular area.

In addition, a leader who can ask others for help when he is about to make a decision can always save time and avoid a waste of resources. According to a survey, conducted by China Daily, after polling more than 500 CEOs or directors in their enterprises, leaders who can always absorb information and advices from their colleagues can avoid decisive mistakes at much lower probability than those who never communicate with others. Meantime the former ones always perform efficiently in their works using less time for most of tasks. Because they usually conduct a particular activity called brainstorming throughout the process of making decisions, which allow everyone near the table claim his opinion without others’ argue. This advanced way is able to collect plenty of views for the leaders and after the later discussing, it is easy for rhem to decide what to do next. Therefore, working things on together with others can be an efficient way for a wise leader.

All in all, being an effective leader is ought to imbibe others’ suggestions and try to avoid holding the power all the time. Just make others feel they are part of a decision. That will be fine.

Revised essay（批改后）：

If you have ever watched a couple of American movies about heroes, you will find one apparent phenomena that people always try to make decisions alone as heroes. However, things are going to be different in the case of reality. In the human society, leaders cannot make a significant decision without others help. [引题还可以，但读起来给人感觉有点无力]

First of all, as a human being[这个单词，通常是指人类这一个总体，所以不能说a human being], everyone is thought to be limited in some areas[这句话意思不是特别明朗]. We can not [cannot]claim that someone who[who去掉] is the best for everything around him. In addition, the realistic problems are always complex at the same time causing that [这句话用so… that也比你现在的句子好]one person cannot figure out the whole situation in some degrees. Take my uncle Li for example. My uncle served as a monitor when he was in his university. He always had to come up with various ideas for activities for the whole class. At [the]first time, he could create a couple of activities by himself. But after about three months, he found that it was difficult for him to work out these sorts of things. Then he asked his partner JIN for help. Jin was the roommates of my uncle and he was a member of several students clubs. He could give my uncle much more advices about what to do for class activities. Since then not only did my uncle do a better job as a monitor, but his classmates could also feel happy during their funny activities. To be a leader should find his or her limits and figure things out with others better in a particular area[例子可以，但是叙述有些啰嗦].

In addition, a leader who can ask others for help when he is about to make a decision can always save time and avoid a waste of resources. [主题句不错]According to a survey, conducted by China Daily, after polling more than 500 CEOs or directors in their enterprises, leaders who can always absorb information and advices from their colleagues can avoid decisive mistakes at much lower probability than those who never communicate with others. [in the]Meantime the former ones always perform efficiently in their works using less time for most of tasks. Because they usually conduct a particular activity called brainstorming throughout the process of making decisions, which allow everyone near the table claim[allow sb to do sth] his opinion without others’ argue. This advanced way is able to collect plenty of views for the leaders and after the later discussing, [此句改为in this way, … is collected]it is easy for rhem to decide what to do next. Therefore, working things on together with others can be an efficient way for a wise leader.

All in all, being an effective leader is ought to imbibe others’ suggestions and try to avoid holding the power all the time. Just make others feel they are part of a decision. That will be fine.

TPO小站综合点评及批改意见：

论据看似有两个，但是仔细分析之后，这两个其实有一定的重合。思路还是不够宽，可以考虑的是，大家都参与决策之后，会怎么样?

表述方面，还是中式，而且整体比较啰嗦。

语法错误不算多，应多阅读。

预估分数：3.3

学习建议：

1、尝试用反面观点来进行论证。

2、写文章前先制定写作大纲。

3、写作是需要注意使用的论证方式，写好之后要回看修改。

4、注意论据和论点之间的关系要紧密。

5、论证方式要多样化。

6、注意论据要多用细节。看是否有更多的论据来支撑观点。