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Ben: Oh no, mount, Vesuvius is erupting! Honey you grab the kids, I'll start the chariot and...
Glug, glug, glug, this is great, I gotta get an A.
Carol: No you won't.
Ben: Are you kidding? I got this baby rigged to blow at the push of a button. I mean, lava's
gonna flow everywhere. Over Rhodes, Romans, gladiators, naked virgins.
Carol: But you won't get an A.
Ben: Why?
Carol: Because people like you don't get A's, they just mark their time at school till they can
take their rightful place in society as toll collectors.
Ben: Put your face over my volcano and say that.
Carol: Ha ha ha.
Maggie: Ben, I need that table cleared off, I'm coming back with lots of groceries for your
father's party.
Ben: But it's not till tomorrow and I haven't even had my first test firing yet.
Maggie: Get that mountain thingy out of my kitchen, now!
Ben: It's not a mountain thingy, it's a...
Carol: C plus, tops.
Maggie: Jason, we never got an RSVP from the Blankenships!
Jason: Yes we did! Rich told me at the office!
Maggie: Well you didn't tell me.
Jason: The Blankenships are coming to the reception tomorrow.
Maggie: OK, then that makes fifty four people.
Jason: And the Johnsons, too.
Maggie: How many others have you forgotten to tell me about?
Jason: None, Maggie! Well the Schneiders.
Maggie: Look, Jason, how can I plan for this thing if you keep changing the number of people
who are coming?
Jason: Relax honey, that's fifty eight and we ordered food for sixty! Wonder if it's too late to
call the caterer and cut back the order. Just a thought.
Maggie: Jason, I just want everything to be perfect, I mean we don't know these people and I
mean, they're important and rich; they're people you read about in the paper.
Jason: And they're no different from we are.
Mike: Huh, they sure are! They wanna blow five hundred Bucks a pop, just to hang out at our
place.
Jason: They're not blowing five hundred Dollars, Mike, they're donating it. And it's for the
free mental health clinic, a very worthy cause, thank you.
Mike: Hey, if they're dropping five hundred Bucks a head, they should just skip this party and
check into the clinic.
Jason: I'll get it.
Mike: Hey Mom, how come we never start cleaning a day early for a family party?
Maggie: Well, they don't have to like us, they're related to us.
Norma: Out of my way, it's heavy.
Jason: Excuse me, who are you?
Norma: No time to talk, I'm running late.
Maggie: This is our caterer, Norma.
Norma: Charmed, I'm sure. Look, where do you want your sea-food medley?
Jason: I want it on ice, Norma, the party's tomorrow.
Norma: No, it's not.
Jason: Yes it is. It's my party.
Norma: My work order says today.
Jason: Yeah, well my wallet don't start talking till tomorrow, Norma.
Norma: Fine, I'll let it rot in my refrigerator.
Jason: Maggie, where'd you get this caterer?
Maggie: Jason, they came highly recommended.
Jason: Yeah, I don't have much confidence in the food, if they can't even remember the date.
Maggie: Well, honey, it was a simple mistake, really just relax.
Jason: Yeah, well anybody who can't work with a calendar shouldn't be working with
toothpicks.
Carol: I just talked to Donald Trump?
Mike: Who's he?
Carol: I hope you get a toll booth next to Ben. Well, he called from his helicopter, he said he
was running a little bit late, but he'd be at your reception within an hour.
Jason: Donald Trump! Hey this isn't gonna be a clinic, it's gonna be a free medical centre.
Maggie: Oohh! Now Mike, aren't you glad we're shampooing the rugs and washing the
windows and doing the floors?
Mike: I'm tingling. Well who the heck is this guy?
Jason: Oh, come on Mike, he's one of the richest men in the world for crying out loud. He
owns everything in Manhattan the Japanese didn't buy. And he's gonna be at our house in one
hour!! Wow! The party's tomorrow, Carol!
Carol: Oh, but Don said it was today.
Jason: Oh, why didn't you just straighten him out?
Carol: Well he sounded so confident.
Maggie: Jason, are you absolutely sure this party's tomorrow?
Jason: Oh, Maggie, you're doubting your husband just because of something some rich
powerful multi trillion billionaire said?
Maggie: How can I put this? Yes.
Jason: I'm insulted.
Mike: You screwed up big time, huh Dad?
Jason: No, I didn't screw up, Mike, come on! The party's on the thirteenth, like we've be
saying for weeks.
Carol: Dad, today's the thirteenth!
Jason: What?
Maggie: It is, Jason.
Jason: It is not. No, today's Saturday, tomorrow's Sunday the thirteenth. It's always been on
the thirteenth. Hello, Sunday the thirteenth.
Maggie: Jason, this calendar's from nineteen eighty five. Honey, you can't re-use these things!
Jason: The party's today!
Mike: Maybe this trump dude will help us buff our floors.
Jason: We've got fifty eight people on their way over here, we got twenty three minutes to
turn this house into a party, let's go, let's go!! Look wait a minute! Wait a minute! Where are
you going?
Carol: Well, I was gonna go and pick out a dress for Donald Trump.
Mike: This guy wears dresses!
Jason: Can we just please forget about Mr. Trump for a second and think about what's
important here! Come on we got twenty three, we got twenty two minutes for a party!
Maggie: You aren't even going to apologise, are you?
Jason: For what, Maggie?
Maggie: You don't know! You really don't know!
Jason: Maggie, we got fifty eight people coming here in twenty one minutes!!
Maggie: And they'll find a house unprepared for a party, and who are they gonna blame? The
respected, responsible husband or the long suffering wife?
Mike: What about the idiot daughter?
Maggie: No, the wife! They always blame the wife. I guess that my humiliation means nothing
to you!
Jason: Oh, it will mean plenty, right after the party, Maggie.
Maggie: Oh, you have no idea.
Carol: I'll get it, it might be Donny again.
Jason: Well tell him to hover. Come on, we got a lot to do here, a lot to do!! I'll make a list of
the chores.
Mike: Well, at least you had twenty good years with the man, Mom.
Carol: It wasn't Donald Trump, it was only the president of the Chase-Manhattan Bank.
Maggie: OK, kids, we got to pitch in here. I'll call the caterers and see if I can get 'em back.
Carol, you take the kitchen and the bathrooms and clean things or hide things, whatever's
quicker.
Mike: Hiding's quicker.
Maggie: Mike, you get the folding chairs out of the garage and get this room back together.
Now, let's go!! Ha!
Jason: Alright now, I've made a list of all the chores alphabetically. If we all get a... She left
me and took the kids.
Ben: So, Mom, you wanna see the practice eruption?
Maggie: No. Ben, I told you to take your mountain out of here.
Ben: It's not a mountain. It's Vesuvius, one of the biggest disasters in history.
Maggie: We'll see about that, after this party.
Ben: Mom, don't sit in that chair, it's got lava all over it.
Maggie: Ben, we're in a crisis mode here, do me a favour and for the next twenty minutes and
go out of the house and keep Chrissy with you.
Ben: But she keeps nibbling on my gladiators.
Maggie: Go!!
Ben: Come on Chrissy, come on.
Maggie: Yes, we're the Seavers and we ordered the appetizers for today, and we sent Norma
away because we told her, I mean my husband told her that it was the wrong day, but it was
really the right day and if I don't get those hors d'oeuvres back in the next twenty minutes I'm
gonna kill him. OK, what language do you sei habla? Carol! How do you say hors d'oeuvres in
Spanish?
Carol: Believe it or not, I actually know that. It's funny that because it's rather obscure...
Maggie: What the hell is it!!???
Carol: Vo Tana.
Maggie: Vo Tana. Pronto. Today, not tomorrow, fifteen Robin Hood Lane, please tell me you
understand. Hello. Hello. Hello!!
Jason: Honey, I can't do this all by myself.
Maggie: I just had a conversation in Spanish.
Jason: You don't speak Spanish.
Maggie: Oh, a little, but not enough to convey to the caterer's that my husband was a
block-head when he sent the food away.
Jason: Oh, honey, I'm sorry about that whole date thing.
Maggie: Oh, big man.
Jason: Oh, come on honey, we got plenty of food.
Maggie: No we don't, I didn’t' get the chance to go shopping yet.
Jason: Hey, how about these dumb microwaveable meatballs, the one's even Ben won't eat.
Come on, and we got veggies Sweetheart, you can make one of those stupid dips!
Maggie: Stupid dips!
Jason: Tasty.
Maggie: Jason, we have sixty rich people and Donald Trump on their way to a filthy house and
now we're gonna starve them?
Jason: Starve! Honey, with happy tasty meat treats! Delicious, can't even spoil!
Maggie: I won't serve them.
Jason: Well, I will. And a semi eaten breakfast sausage, we'll file it down, nobody'll know the
difference.
Maggie: Oh great Jason, we'll just serve them these and refuse to call the ambulance until
they've signed the cheques.
Jason: We've got seventeen minutes, what do you want to do?
Maggie: Leave the country!
Jason: Maggie, come on, put a little perspective on this. Yes, OK, we've got sixteen minutes
and yes yes we have no food and yes the house is in a shambles, but honey, we can make this
work! Yes, come on, if this happened on Perfect Strangers, would Bulky lose it? Don't be
ridiculous.
Maggie: I hate that show!
Jason: You love Lucy. Lucy, remember Lucy and Ethel and they were in the candy factory and
they had that little conveyor belt and the thing was going along like this, and they were...
Maggie: Alright!! Alright, I will cook your lousy meatballs, but I wont' touch your sausage.
Jason: Hey, Mike, let me help you with that.
Mike: I got it!!
Maggie: Jason, my lamp!
Jason: No, it's alright, I'm fine.
