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Tiffany: Tiffany Ching here at the Sufa county court house where the trial of Oliver Martin continues today. Martin the noted Jockey was sworn in then testified that he indeed throw the briskee handy ca, but only because his horse "Bone Weary" told him to do it. The defense's star witness, psychiatrist, Jason Weaver, testified that Martin was indeed insane. After his testimony, Dr. Seaver offered this comment.
Reporters: Dr. Seaver!!!
Jason: No comment, no comment!
Maggie: Don't! Don't! Don't!
Chrissy: I can make daddy walk backwards like a duck.
Carol: Chrissy, it's not a toy, it's for grown ups.
Mike: Yeah right, and besides I can make him Cha-cha.
Ben: Do it again! I want to see it.
Mike: Ok, ok. Alright watch this.
Ben: Ha!
Mike: Pretty good huh?
Maggie: Oh, my poor baby, I can't wait till those glasses of yours come in.
Luke: They're in the doctor called yesterday. Actually it was another doctor…Dr. Pepper.
Jason: Hello everybody!
Maggie: Hi honey.
Chrissy: Daddy! You were on TV!
Jason: Yeah.
Maggie: Oh Jason! We're all so proud of you!
Jason: Well get ready to be even more proud. Guess what I was offered because of all this trial publicity? A column in the Long Island Sentinel.
Chrissy: That's great daddy!! What's a column?
Maggie: Well it's something you write that… Well sweetheart it's something that is hard to explain if you haven't read a newspaper.
Ben: But some of us would still like to know.
Maagie: Well it's….
Jason: Ben, it's a series of articles all on one theme, mine will deal with psychology. I'll help people with their fears, and their hopes and their dreams and their fantasies.
Ben: Kind of like a 900 number.
Chrissy: What's a 900 number?
Ben: Well it's kind of expensive but….uhhh…I have no idea. I mean I've never paid 2 dollars a minute to talk to some girl in a bikini. Hey kids let's go bake a hot apple pie.
Carol: Well I think your column sounds great dad. It's just too bad your children aren't mature enough to appreciate it. Ben you moron!! You taped over Bambi!
Maggie: Jason tell me more about you column.
Jason: Well I worked it all out over the phone with the editor, a guy named Doug Stanton.
Maggie: Doug if you give the penny, I'll pinch it Stanton?
Jason: Well Pinch is his middle name.
Maggie: Oh I worked for him years ago. When it comes to paying writers he can be frugal.
Jason: You got to get up pretty early in the morning to frugal Jason Seaver, Maggie. And something else, I'm a good negotiator.
Maggie: Oh good, what's he paying?
Jason: Well we haven't nailed that down yet.
Maggie: How long is the column suppose to be?
Jason: Sometimes long, sometimes short. It just…
Maggie: Daily? Weekly?
Jason: It's unstructured still .
Maggie: Well I assume your getting Bylines.
Jason: Maggie, not all this is etched in stone.
Maggie: So in other words Mr. Negotiator, you could be working long hours for little or no money while someone else gets the credit.
Jason: I've been frugaled.
Maggie: Doug Stanton you conniving piece of filth.
Doug: Maggie Malone, the bubblehead that left me for the five o'clock news.
Maggie: I haven't been on TV for ages, get over it.
Doug: I won't say another word. Sit! Talk to me! That is if you can handle it without a teleprompt. So what brings you here? You want to actually see people work for a living?
Maggie: My husband is Jason Seaver.
Doug: What the Oliver Martin case!? The shrink with the big hair!!? I hired him to do a column for us.
Maggie: I'm here to make sure you don't take advantage of him.
Doug: Maggie! I'm insulted!! I'm giving him double basic with inflated top end.
Maggie: Really?? And how much do you pay the paper boys?
Doug: Well no top end.
Maggie: Just after a decent salary and some guarantees on column length and bylines
Doug: Maggie! You're killing me!
Maggie: Do you want him or not?
Doug: Ok, I'll pay him senior scale, but don't you dare say a word about this to the paper boys.
Maggie: Done.
Doug: I am going to smash this worthless piece of junk.
Maggie: You bought the Shitake 2000?? Why don't you just paint ink on your hands?? Here hold this down while I feed this through the J clips.
Doug: When did you learn so much about printers?
Maggie: I research them, when I make a major purchase I do my homework. There all better.
Doug: Now wait a minute, this could be a column. Every week you could tell my readers how to get the best value for their dollar.
Maggie: Well I came here to talk about Jason's column.
Doug: Well sure, there's enough room for both of you. He'll do the shrink stuff, you do the microwaves, VCR's, furniture polish, all that Ralph Nader crud.
Maggie: You mean consumer awareness?
Doug: See?? You got a handle on this already. Maggie come on, your writing is punchy, to the point, I know you'll never use a passive sentence or a fancy buzzword like buzzword. What do you say?
Maggie: Will I receive some form of salary?
Doug: Maggie, You're killing me!!
Chrissy: What are you doing Mike?
Mike: Well, I'm making out my lesson plan for next week.
Carol: Oh would you like to borrow, Chrissy's crayons?
Jason: Ladies and Gentlemen, Tada!
Ben: One crack and I'm gone.
Jason: Mike, cut that out!
Mike: You don't know what you're asking dad.
Carol: Well I'll say something, I think you look brainy.
Ben: Ah!!
Mike: OH!! Don't stop him dad, my pancreas is about to blow.
Ben: Dad, brainy is just another word for geek.
Jason: I wear glasses, I'm not a geek.
Ben: Sure, you've got a woman.
Mike Oh god, I got to go lay down. I think I just hurt myself.
Maggie: Hi everybody.
Jason: Hey.
Maggie: Guess what!?
Jason: Your meeting went well with Doug Stanton!?
Maggie: Oh did it ever? And I got you, hold on to your hat. I got you more money than the paper boys. And guess what I was offered?
Jason: Three bags full of waffle irons.
Maggie: No, a column.
Jason: Honey, you're writing a column too!!? That's wonderful!
Carol: Way to go mom!
Maggie: I'm going to call it, Maggie Malone consumer watchdog and I'm testing these for my first piece. So its waffles all weekend.
Chrissy: Yes!!!
Maggie: Hold on, I'll get it.
Carol: Isn't this exciting two people in the same family with columns.
Chrissy: Daddy. Mommy gets waffles with her column, what do you get!???
Jason: Well it's not a material thing, just the satisfaction I get out of helping people solve their problems.
Chrissy: Oh that's nice. Boring.
Maggie: Well I'm sorry too. Thank you. Well, I knew it was too good to be true.
Jason: Who was that?
Maggie: Doug Stanton, his publisher slashed his budget so he only has enough money for one column.
Jason: Well he better not cut your column... He better not cut my column. Who got the axe here?
Maggie: Neither, you know he actually had the never to for each of us to submit a sample column. I told him we refuse to compete.
Jason: Are you saying?
Maggie: I'm saying the column is all yours.
Jason: That's one darn shame! I'm sorry Maggie. Are you alright with that?
Maggie: I'm fine, Carol, Chrissy, please help me pack these stupid waffle irons.
Jason: You said stupid and that is a sign of tension. I'm sensing it.
Maggie: Don't be silly, I'm very happy for you Jason.
Jason: You sure?
Maggie: Absolutely.
Jason: Good. No no no, Carol, Chrissy, stop packing. Maggie, I am a professional at this and I'm sensing your pain here and if I let you give up your column you would never forgive me.
Maggie: So you are saying you will give up your column!?
Jason: Just as I would never forgive you. I think we ought to let Stanton decide.
Maggie: Jason, I don't think it's a good idea our competing.
Jason: Well, let's not think of this as competing Maggie. Let's see it as a chance for both of us to have something wonderful.
Maggie: Oh what the heck!!? Desert waffles for everybody.
Chrissy: Yes!!
Ben: Somebody said waffles?
Maggie: Oh Ben! I love your glasses, They make you look so brainy.
Ben: That settles it, I'm gonna die a virgin.
Carol: Am I in the right house? Mike Seaver studying twice in a same day?
Mike: Come on! Let's get it down, Carol. I'm working on something very technical and complex here.
Maggie: Mike, have you finished the waffle questionnaire yet?
Mike: Yeah.
Jason: I've got a great title for my column. Between your ears with Jason Seaver?
Maggie: Sounds kind of crowded. How about something punchy like Shrink wrap?
Jason: No no, seriously, how do you like mine?
Maggie: Ha ha ha, Chrissy come on, it's time for you to go to bed.
Carol: Boy, Mom and Dad are flirting with big trouble.
Mike: What are you talking about Carol?
Carol: Mom and Dad both going after the same column!!? Competition is a weed in the garden of love.
Mike: And you Carol are the fertilizer? Oh come on! Why are you making such a big deal out of this for?
Carol: Because it is a big deal. How can I explain it to you? Let me use an example.
Mike: Ok fine.
Carol: Suppose you and I were competing against each other for something ok? So there we are brother and sister.
Mike: What are we competing at?
Carol: It doesn't matter, it's an example. Ok? So there we are.
Mike: Now, how can I follow your example, if I don't know what we are competing at?
Carol: Ok fine, it's a spelling bee.
Mike: Ok fine.
Carol: Good. So there we are.
Mike: Wait a minute, why would I want to be in a spelling bee?
Carol: It doesn't matter, it's a hypothetical situation.
Mike: But Carol you would beat the pants off me, now can't we just pick something I'm good at?
Carol: Ok fine, how about one on one basketball?
Mike: Ok.
Carol: Great. Basketball, so there we are.
Mike: Why would you want to play basketball against me? You can't even dribble.
Carol: Ah!
