I always had a place to go back and technically I wasn't a homeless comedian
我总都地方可以回 我并不是一个无家可归的喜剧演员
I was still a student trying to be a comedian
我仍是一个想当喜剧演员的学生
And Emerson College let me do that
爱默生学院给了我这个机会
and nobody's more stunned than I was when I graduated
我竟然能毕业 没人比我自己更吃惊了
You know, this is the first time in my life I had ever finished anything
这是我这一生中首次完成某项成就的
And I had to believe I could graduate college, oh my god, I could do anything
这让我相信 连大学都能毕业 还有什么做不了的呢
So what I want to do now is try to pass on to you
下面我想跟大家分享
some of the things I've learned about show business
脱口秀表演业中我所学到的
Here are 20 rules in no particular order
二十条规则 排名不分先后
First rule pool of show business
脱口秀表演业第1条规则
Try not to get a regular job
不要去做常规工作
When you have a regular job, you wind up acting like regular people
如果去做常规工作 你最后就会沦为普通人
And if you graduate from here, you're not a regular person
要知道 从这里毕业的 都不是普通人
Regular people have day jobs so they could pay for stuff
普通人有常规工作 有钱可以支付账单
and paying for stuff means you have to go to work
要支付账单就意味着你要去工作
and going to work means you'll have to skip the audition for the
要去工作就意味着没时间参加试演
part your friend got instead of you who is now a big star
这就意味着失去了当大明星的机会
Number two
第2条
Once you leave here, it'll take about four years to break into show business
毕业后大约还需要四年才能真正进入脱口秀表演业
think of that as your graduate school
把这当成是读研究生
You'll learn which agents are crooks
你将了解哪些经纪人是混蛋
you'll learn which are nice people
哪些是善良的人
you'll get rejected, you'll be liked too
有人会否认你 有人会喜欢你
You know, one casting director told me I could never work on television
有一个选角导演告诉我 我永远上不了电视
because I had a face that would frighten children
因为我长着一张会把小孩吓坏的脸
So he suggested that I get my jaw realigned
他建议我去整一下下巴
and sent me to this plastic surgeon that he knew
还给我引荐了他相熟的整形医生
and the surgeon said, yes, yes, we can fix your jaw
这位医生说 我们可以修正你的下巴
We'll have to break your jaw and then rehang it
首先要把它敲下来 然后再连上去
and you'll be out of commission for a while, you will not be able to talk
你将需要休息一段时间 有一段时间不能说话
I said, well, how long will I not be able to talk. He said about a year
我问要休息多久 他说大概一年