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The idea of being just friends sounded like a good one at first.
“只做朋友”这个想法刚开始听起来还不错。
I would still get to text you our inside jokes.
我仍然给你发只有我们知道的梗。
I would still get to see you face-to-face.
我也可以和你继续见面。
You would still be a part of my world, which I considered a good thing,
你仍是我世界中的一部分。我认为这是好事，
because the thought of letting you go was too painful to handle.
因为“你离开我”这件事对我来说太痛苦了。
I was wrong. Being just friends was even more difficult than walking away would have been.
我错了，“只做朋友”比接受你离开我更难。
It slowly killed me inside.
它慢慢地将我扼杀。
Every time you told me you were out, I wondered whom you were with and whether you were on a date.
每次你告诉我你出门了，我都好奇你和谁在一起，和谁在约会。
Sometimes I get a sinking feeling in my stomach when you mentioned another person.
当你提起另一个人的名字，我感觉我身体的器官都变得沉重。
Other times I would hold back from asking questions because I didn't want to look overly concerned with your love life.
有时，我会阻止自己去向你询问，我不想让自己过分去关注你的感情生活。
After all, it was none of my business anymore.
毕竟，这已经不关我的事了。
Even though we considered ourselves friends, it didn't feel like a typical friendship.
尽管我们认为仍是彼此的“朋友”，但我们之间又不是平常的朋友关系。
We had to hold so much back from each other.
我们不得不和对方保持距离。
I didn't want to come to you with stories about crushes and seem like I was trying to make you jealous.
我没办法告诉你我对别人的迷恋，好像我想让你产生嫉妒。
I didn't want to come to you with complaints about my life either and seem like I was miserable without you.
我也不能和你抱怨我的生活，好像没了你我就过得很凄惨。
I felt like I had to censor myself around you.
在你身边，我就得审查我自己。
I felt like our conversations were limited to safe topics.
我们的话题也仅限一些不越界的“安全话题”。
With the rest of my friends, I was free to joke around without worrying about how my actions would be interpreted.
和其他的朋友在一起时，我可以随意地开玩笑，不必担心我的行为能否被理解。
But with you, I never knew whether I was crossing a line by texting you or slapping your arm after you told a joke.
但和你在一起，我却不知道在你讲完笑话之后，回复你消息或者拍你的胳膊是否属于越界。
I didn't want you to wonder whether I was flirting with you,
我不想让你觉得我好像在和你调情，
whether I still had strong feelings for you, whether I was attempting to win you back.
让你觉得好像我还对你有感觉，好像我还想赢回你。
Maybe a part of me was hoping we would get back together.
也许有一部分的我仍希望我们能重新在一起。
Maybe that is why I wanted to keep you close.
也许这就是为什么我还想你与我靠近。
Every time I looked at you, I was hit with a million memories from our past.
每当我看着你，我会被过去的许许多多回忆打动。
Every time you spoke, I thought about how good your lips tasted.
每次你讲话的时候，我都会想起你的嘴唇有多美好。
Every time we were left alone together, I wondered whether the spark still existed.
每次只有我们两个在一起，我都会好奇我们之间是否还有火花。
I wondered whether we should have given each other a second chance.
我想知道我们是否应该给对方第二次机会。
I had trouble moving on from you because you were always around.
我没办法往前走，因为你还在我身边。
I never had a break from you.
我没办法在你身边喘口气。
I never had an opportunity to push you out of my mind and focus on someone else. You were a distraction.
也没办法将你从我脑海中剔除，去关注另一个人。你让我分心。
At first, I wanted to take the high road.
其实刚开始，我以为这是条捷径。
I wanted to have some sort of relationship with you, even if it wasn't a romantic one,
我想以某种关系与你连接，即使不再是那种浪漫的关系，
because removing you from my world seemed unfair after everything we had been through together.
因为在我们一起经历了一切之后，把你从我的世界中驱除看似不够公平。
But it turns out that being just friends with you is not going to work.
但事实证明，我没办法与你“只做朋友”。
I am never going to move on from you when you are standing right in front of me.
当你站在我面前，我就永远无法向前走。
