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Trick or Tweet! The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now
不给糖就捣蛋！在万圣节前夕分手的最糟的部分是，
I have to explain at every party why I'm dressed as half of a horse.
现在我得在每个派对上解释为什么我穿的像半匹马。
Halloween is my favorite holiday, where you can trespass on a stranger's property and make a nonnegotiable demand.
万圣节是我最喜欢的节日，在节日里你可以侵入一个陌生人的房子，并提出一个没有商量余地的要求。
ME: Wow, nice costume. COP: Step out of the car, sir.
我：装扮不错啊。警察：快给我下车，先生。
A woman and her husband stop at a dentist's office. "I need a tooth pulled right away," she says.
一个女人和她的丈夫去了一家牙医诊所。她说：“我需要马上拔牙。”
"Don't bother with the Novocain; we're in a hurry." "Which tooth do you want pulled?" asks the dentist.
“别用麻醉剂了，我们很着急。”牙医问：“你想拔哪颗牙。”
The woman shoves her husband toward the dentist. "Go ahead, dear. Show him your tooth."
女人把她丈夫推向牙医。“去吧，亲爱的，让他看看你的牙。”
A patient tells a psychiatrist that he's convinced there's somebody living under his bed.
一个病人告诉精神病医生，他确信有人生活在他的床下。
"Visit me for three days a week at $300 a visit, and you'll be cured," the psychiatrist assures him.
精神病医生向他保证，“一周来我这里三天，每次三百刀，然后你就好了。”
The price tag is a little rich for the patient, so he says he'll think about it.
这个价格对病人来说有点贵，所以他说要考虑一下。
Six months later, the two meet on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" asks the psychiatrist.
六个月后，两个人在街上相遇。精神病医生问，“为什么你不来找我解决你的恐惧问题呢？”
"Because a bartender cured me for only $10.""How?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed."
“因为一个酒保只用了10美元就把我治好了。”“怎么治的？”“他告诉我把床腿锯掉。”
A trooper pulls over a priest and immediately smells alcohol on his breath.
一个骑警让一个牧师停了车，然后就立马闻到了他身上的酒味。
The next thing he notices is an empty wine bottle lying on the passenger seat.
然后就看到了副驾驶位子上放着一个空酒瓶。
"Have you been drinking?" the officer asks. "Just water," says the priest.
警官问道，“你喝酒了吗？”牧师说，“只喝了水。”
"Then why do I smell wine?"The priest looks at the bottle and shouts, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
“为什么我闻到了酒味？”牧师看着瓶子喊道，“天啊！他又做了这个！”
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every two to three hours,
所有的婴儿书籍都告诉你婴儿需要每两到三个小时吃一次东西，
but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
但他们没有提到的是，这种行为一直持续到孩子18岁，搬出你的房子。
NEVER SAY NEVER... unless it's part of a clever collection of quotes called Never! 750+ Things You Should Never Do.
永不说永不...除非它出自叫做“永不”的聪明的引语合集！永远不要做的750多件事情。
Never give up your seat for a lady. That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.
永远不要给一位女士让座。我就是这样失去我的公交司机的工作的。
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time.
在任何情况下，都不要把安眠药和泻药放在一块吃。
Never answer an anonymous letter.
永远不要回复一封匿名的信。
Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It's cheaper.
永远不要和别人攀比，把他们拉到和你一样的水平。这更便宜。
Never get annoyed if your neighbor plays music at 2 a.m. Call him at four and tell him how much you enjoy it.
如果你的邻居两点时放音乐了，不要生气。四点时给他打电话，告诉他你有多喜欢这音乐。
Never get between a female grizzly and one of her young,
永远不要处在一个女灰熊和她孩子之间，
particularly if he's just told her that he intends to drop out of college to focus on his band.
其是当他刚刚告诉她，他打算从大学退学，专注于他的乐队。
Never slap a man while he is chewing tobacco.
永远不要在一个男人嚼烟时打他。
