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And now, practical advice from Colin Jost.
科林·乔斯特给我们一些实用的建议。
Hi, everyone. Um, I never really give advice because no one's ever asked me for it.
大家好，我从来没给别人提过建议，因为从来没人问过我。
I'm just not a very inspiring person.
我不是一个很能鼓舞人心的人。
And I'm not really qualified to give advice either.
我也没资格给你们建议。
I have a book coming out in a couple of weeks,
几周后我会出一本书，
and there's an entire chapter about how many times I've pooped my pants as a full adult.
有整整一章都是关于我成年后尿过多少次裤子。
So, take all of this advice with a grain or an entire shaker of salt,
所以，对这些建议可以持保留态度，
but here is my practical advice for you graduates as you go out into the world.
不过在你们步入社会之际，我要给你们这些毕业生提些实用性建议。
Always sit facing the door so you can see an enemy entering the room.
总是面朝门坐着，这样你能看到敌人进入房间。
We all know the scene in the movie where the nerd is at the counter,
我们都知道电影里某个蠢人站在柜台前的场景，
and the bully walks in, taps him on the shoulder, and the nerd's like...
恶霸走进来，拍拍他的肩膀，蠢人就这样...
Don't let that happen to you.
别让这种事发生在你身上。
Sit facing the door, that way, when your enemy comes in,
朝着门口坐，当敌人进来时，你可以躲到桌子下面或从窗子跳出去，然后溜掉。
you can hide under the table or jump through a glass window, and rollerblade out of there.
朝着门口坐，当敌人进来时，你可以躲到桌子下面或从窗子跳出去，然后溜掉。
Your name.
你的名字。
You're about to meet a lot of new people outside of high school.
你会在高中校园外遇到很多新朋友。
If someone mispronounces your name, you have about a week to correct them,
如果有人把你的名字读错了，你有大约一周的时间来纠正，
or else, your name will be mispronounced that way forever.
否则，你的名字就会永远被这样读错。
Trust me, in college, I was a few days away from being "Colon" for the rest of my life.
相信我，在大学里，我差点就被永远叫做“结肠”。
Your plans are about to change.
计划会发生变化。
Unless you're one of those people who's like, "I wanted to become a doctor, and then I became a doctor," no one cares about you.
除非你是那种“我想当医生，然后就当医生”的人，否则没人在乎你。
You've got your life figured out.
你要自己搞定自己的生活。
Congratulations, most people don't.
恭喜你，大多数人没这么做。
I went to college to study economics.
我上大学学经济学。
I quickly switched to Russian literature, AKA, the opposite of economics.
我很快转成俄罗斯文学，完全和经济学相反。
Then I spent about 80 hours a week writing and performing comedy that had nothing to do with college.
我每周花80个小时写作并表演与大学无关的喜剧。
It's a miracle I graduated.
我能毕业真是个奇迹。
But now, look at me. I'm alone, talking to my phone.
但现在，看看我。我独自一人，对着手机说话。
If your friends aren't good people, why are they still your friends?
如果你的朋友不是好人，为什么你们还是朋友？
Get rid of bad friends now while you have the chance.
趁你还有机会，现在就摆脱掉坏朋友。
You can be like, "Oh, sorry, we don't have Internet at college."
你可以这样说，“哦，对不起，我们大学没有互联网。”
Even though "college" is in my kitchen.
即使“大学”是在我的厨房里。
Seek out smart, kind, ideally, funny friends who make your life better, and make you a better person.
寻找聪明、善良、适合、有趣的朋友，让你的生活变得更好，让你成为一个更好的人。
That way you'll never have to say, "Oh, sorry about my friend, Gregor.
这样你就不用说“哦，我对朋友格雷戈感到很愧疚。
He's normally never a jerk like this except every day."
他每天都这么混。”
