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Okay, I've got the potometer fired up, and we're just gonna find ourselves a nice, juicy...
好了，我已经把散发计打开了，我们要去找一个美味多汁的…
Got them!
搞定！
If your ground-punching game isn't that strong, you can also just buy these at the store.
如果你玩捶地游戏不是很厉害，你也可以在商店买到它们。
And you could let your potatoes say goodbye to each other...
你可以让你的土豆跟彼此说再见……
Except potatoes don't have the ability to talk, so let's stop fooling around.
不过土豆是不会说话的，所以我们别在这瞎搞了。
Now that you've got your potatoes, it's time to decide what form of baking you're gonna use.
现在你已经有土豆了，是时候决定用什么烘焙方式了。
One option is micro baking.
一种选择是微波炉烘焙。
If someone tries to condescend to you for using a Micro-Bake Oven, just say, "I'd like to see you operate a Micro..."
如果有人试图对你用微波炉这件事表现出优越感，你只需说：“你来操作试试...”
Beginner's luck.
新手的运气。
The truth is, micro baking is super easy.
事实上，微波炉烘焙非常简单。
Put your potato on a plate, set it for 10 minutes on high, and your potato should come out perfect.
把土豆放在盘子里，设置高火10分钟，土豆就会烤得非常完美。
Another option is aqua baking.
另一种选择是水焙。
Some people don't want to aqua bake because they're worried their potatoes will get wet.
有些人不喜欢水焙，因为他们担心土豆会被弄湿。
Which is silly, because potatoes are waterproof. See?
太傻了，因为土豆是防水的。看到了吗？
But because they're waterproof, aqua baking takes a long time.
但正因为防水，水焙很耗时。
And also it's called boiling, and that's not why we're here today.
它也被称为煮，但这不是我们今天要用的方法。
Baking with the slow cooker is super simple.
用慢炖锅煮非常简单。
Put your potato inside, put the lid on, set the timer for 6 years, then go away and raise a family.
把土豆放进去，盖上盖子，把时间设为6年，然后离开，组建家庭。
By the time your kid is in first grade, you'll have a nice delicious meal ready.
等到你的孩子上一年级的时候，你就可以享用一顿美味的饭菜了。
Baking baking, the method I'm gonna use today, is what humans have been doing for decades, ever since the discovery of the onion in Bancroft, Kentucky in the 1960s.
烤箱烘焙，我今天要用的烘焙方法，是人类几十年来一直在用的，自从20世纪60年代在肯塔基州的班克罗夫特发现了洋葱以来。
Baking baking takes a long time because potatoes are airproof.
烤箱烘焙需要很长时间，因为土豆是密不透气的。
But before you get started, you're gonna need to prepare your potatoes.
但在你开始之前，你需要处理一下土豆。
First, we're gonna give them a nice, scrubby wash.
首先，我们要把土豆好好清洗一下。
Then you're gonna want to stab your potato with a fork, which is done by jamming your fork inside and easily pulling it out with a pair of vise grips.
然后用叉子刺土豆，把叉子插进去，然后用钳子轻松地把叉子拔出来。
You can also tap it in with a hammer.
你也可以用锤子把它敲进去。
You can let gravity do the work for you.
你可以借助重力完成。
You can save time by stabbing with four forks at once.
为了节省时间，你可以四把叉子齐上阵。
Or if you play pro ball like me, you can do this.
如果你像我一样打职业棒球，你就能做到。
If you don't stab your potato first, the steam can't escape and this is what happens to the potato.
如果你不先戳戳这些土豆，蒸汽就出不来，土豆就会变成这样。
This can also happen with the micro baker, so, don't forget those fork holes.
用微波烘焙法也会发生这种情况，所以，不要忘记叉一些孔。
Now we'll just slather the potato with Olive Flavored Stab Soothing Balm, sprinkle with some Freshlock Salt, and give these guys four free tickets to the Gravitron.
现在我们往土豆上厚厚地涂一些橄榄味刺伤舒缓阵痛膏，撒上新鲜凝锁盐，让这些家伙免费体验星际飞船。
Throw them on a pan, undoh's on four hundoh, and we're gonna throw those in for around 45 minutes.
把它们扔到烤盘里，烤箱温度是400，我们烤个大约45分钟。
Now we've had them in for the correct amount of time, but the fork is the ultimate determiner of doneness.
现在，尽管时间已经够了，但叉子才是检验成果的最终决定者。
Take your fork and whack the side.
用叉子从一侧猛击土豆。
If you hear it resonate, then congratulations，you own a tuning fork.
如果你听到了共鸣，那么恭喜你，你那是一个音叉。
But if you take a real fork and it slides in easily to the center, you know it's done.
但如果你拿的是一把真正的叉子，当你能轻易把它插进中心，你就知道做好了。
If you encounter resistance, put it in for another 10 minutes.
如果遇到阻力，再烤10分钟。
Now you're gonna want to saw it open and then press the ends together, until it opens like a piping hot 70's change purse.
现在你把它锯开然后从两端挤压，直到它像70年代炙手可热的零钱包那样打开。
Now we're gonna shovel the inside out, and put them in a bowl.
现在我们从里面把土豆铲出来放进碗里。
Okay, that's ridiculous.
好吧，这太荒唐了。
Let's use a proper-sized shovel.
我们用一把正常大小的铲子吧。
If the potato hole doesn't come up perfect, just throw the potato in the garbage and start over. Just kidding.
如果土豆洞开得不完美，那就把土豆扔进垃圾桶，重新开始。开个玩笑。
Now look at this.
看着它。
What does this remind you of?
这让你想起了什么。
It reminds you of nothing.
它让你想起来一无所有。
When the Greeks first discovered the potato, they had to invent the number "zero" in order to describe the amount of flavor inside it.
当希腊人第一次发现土豆时，他们不得不发明数字“零”用来描述土豆里面的味道。
Which is where zero gets its shape from.
这就是0的形状来源。
And that's why we load potatoes with anything and everything we can find so we can try to forget that we're eating something so flavorless, it's like staring into the abyss.
这就是为什么我们要把所有能找到的东西都放进土豆里，这样我们就可以试着忘记我们吃的东西是如此无味，就像盯着深渊看一样。
And the great thing about it, is you can put whatever the fxxk you want in there.
最棒的是，你可以在里面放任何你想放的东西。
Why'd you censor that?
你为什么要屏蔽这个词？
Thank you.
谢谢。
So this first one, we're gonna throw in some butter，some cheddar, some sour cream, some salt, some pepper pepper pepper, some bacon, some chives.
第一个，我们放一些黄油，一些切达干酪，一些酸奶油，一些盐，一些胡椒粉，一些培根，一些香葱。
The second one, we're gonna put in some veggie bullion, some cumin, some cheddar cheese, some cream cheese, some broccoli.
第二个，我们放一些蔬菜浓汤，一些孜然，一些切达奶酪，一些奶油奶酪，一些西兰花。
Then wang jangle everything together, until there is no trace of nothing.
然后把所有的东西都搅在一起，直到那种无味不见踪影。
And then we'll shovel those insides back in there, then we'll top them with some more cheddar, some more bacon on these guys, some more chives on the other ones.
然后我们把里面的东西铲回土豆里，然后在上面再加一些切达干酪，再加一些培根，在其他的上面再加一些葱。
And then we're gonna get these m***** f****** back in...
然后我们把这些东西放回……
Oh, come on!
拜托！
Thank you.
谢谢。
We're gonna throw these in the undoh for another 10 minutes to reheat the insides and melt all that cheese.
我们再把这些放回烤箱里加热10分钟，让里面的奶酪融化。
Or you can just keep a very careful eye on them until you think it's time and then take it out based on your great observations and intuition.
或者你可以非常仔细地观察它们，直到你觉得是时候了，就根据你的观察和直觉把它们拿出来。
Alright. So these babies are done, topped with some more sour cream and chives.
好了。这些小宝贝就做好了，上面再放些酸奶油和香葱。
And while you're admiring how good these came out, it's important to make sure that any of your raw leftover potatoes don't see your decked out loaded potatoes.
当你在欣赏这些土豆的美貌时，重要的是，确保那些生土豆不会看到这些装饰好的土豆。
They're already struggling with tasting like nothing.
他们已经在为索然无味而挣扎了。
They don't need you making them feel more insecure.
他们不需要你让他们感到更没有安全感。
