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There are arguments in which one person will get so upset that they start to behave in ways that range far beyond the imagined norms of civilised conduct:
在一些争论中，有人会变得非常沮丧，以至于他们的行为方式开始远远超出想象中的文明行为准则：
they speak in a highly pitched voice, they exaggerate, they weep, they beg, their words become almost incoherent; they pull their own hair; they bite their own hand; they roll on the floor.
他们说话声音高亢，他们夸大事实，他们哭泣，他们乞求，他们的话变得几乎语无伦次；他们扯自己的头发；他们咬自己的手；他们在地板上打滚。
Unsurprisingly, it can become supremely tempting for their partner to assert that this dramatic behaviour means they have evidently gone mad - and to close them down on this score.
不出所料，他们的伴侣很容易断言这种戏剧性的行为意味着他们明显疯了，并就此打住。
To press the point home, the unagitated partner may start to speak in a preternaturally calm way, as if addressing an unruly dog or a red-faced two year old.
为了强调这一点，没有激动情绪的伴侣可能会开始以一种异常平静的方式说话，就像是在对一只不守规矩的狗或一个两岁的红脸孩子讲话。
They may assert that, since the partner has grown so unreasonable, there doesn’t seem to be any point in continuing the conversation - a conclusion which drives the distressed partner to further paroxysms and convulsions.
他们可能会断言，既然伴侣已经变得如此无理取闹，那么继续交谈似乎没有任何意义-这一结论会促使痛苦的伴侣进一步发作和抽搐。
It is natural to propose that the person who loses their temper in the course of an argument thereby loses any claim to credibility.
人们很自然地会认为，在争论中发脾气的人因此失去了任何可信度。
Whatever point they may be trying to make seems automatically to be invalidated by the fact that they are doing so while in a chaotic state.
无论他们试图提出什么观点，似乎都会因为他们在混乱状态下这样做的事实而自动失效。
The only priority seems to be to shift attention to how utterly awful and immature they are being.
唯一的当务之急似乎是将人们的注意力转移到他们有多么可怕和不成熟上。
It is evident: the one who is calm is good; the one who is frothing and spluttering is a cretin.
这是显而易见的：冷静的人是好人；口吐白沫，气急败坏的人是白痴。
Unfortunately, both partners end up trapped in an unproductive cycle that benefits neither of them.
不幸的是，双方最终都陷入了一个对双方都没有好处的无进展的循环中。
There’s a moment when the calm one may turn and say: ‘Since you are mad, there’s no point in talking to you. ’
有时候，冷静的人可能会转身说：“既然你疯了，跟你说话就没有意义了。”
The awareness - in the raging lover’s mind - that, as they rant and flail, they are throwing away all possibility of being properly attended to or understood feeds their ever mounting sense of panic:
在愤怒的恋人心中，他们意识到，当他们大声咆哮、身体胡乱摆动时，他们正在放弃所有被适当照顾或理解的可能性，这加剧了他们不断增加的恐惧感:
they become yet more demented and exaggerated, further undermining their credibility in the discussion.
他们变得更加疯狂和夸张，进一步削弱了他们在讨论中的可信度。
Hearing their condition diagnosed as insane by the calm one serves to reinforce a suspicion that perhaps they really are mad, which in turn weakens their capacity not to be so.
听到他们的情况被冷静的人诊断为精神错乱，会强化一种怀疑，即也许他们真的疯了，这反过来又削弱了他们不是这样的能力。
They lose confidence that there might be any reasonable aspect to their distress which could (theoretically) be explained in a clear way if only they could stop crying.
他们失去了信心，认为他们的痛苦可能有任何合理的方面，可以(理论上)以明确的方式解释，只要他们能停止哭泣。
‘I’m not going to listen to you any further if you keep making such a fuss,’ the calm partner might go on to say - prompting ever more of precisely this ‘fuss’.
“如果你一直这么大惊小怪，我就不会再听你的了。”冷静的伴侣可能会接着说--这恰恰引发了更多的这种“小题大做”。
The frustrated one is gradually turned into a case study fit only for clinical psychology or a straight jacket.
受挫的人会逐渐变成只适合临床心理学的案例研究，或者成为了约束。
They are, as we might put it, pathologized, held up as someone who is actually crazy, rather than as an ordinary human who is essentially quite sane but has temporarily lost their self-possession on account of an extremely difficult situation.
正如我们可能会说的那样，他们是病态的，被认为是真正疯了的人，而不是一个本质上相当正常的普通人，但由于极端困难的情况而暂时失去了沉着。
On the other side of the equation, the person who remains calm is automatically cast - by their own imperturbable nature and subtle skills at public relations - as decent and reasonable.
在等式的另一边，保持冷静的人凭借其沉着的天性和微妙的公关技巧，自然而然地被塑造成正派和理性的人。
But we should bear in mind that it is at least in theory entirely possible to be cruel, dismissive, stubborn, harsh and wrong - and keep one’s voice utterly steady.
但我们应该记住，至少在理论上，残忍、蔑视、顽固、严厉和错误是完全可能的-并保持自己的声音完全稳定。
Just as one can, equally well, be red-nosed, whimpering and incoherent - and have a point.
就像一个人可以红鼻子、呜咽和语无伦次一样，也可以有一个观点。
We need to keep in mind a heroically generous attitude: rage and histrionics can be the symptoms of a desperation that sets in when a hugely important intimate truth is being blatantly ignored or denied, without the uncontrolled person being either evil or monstrous.
我们需要记住要拥有英雄般的慷慨态度:愤怒和装腔作势可能是一种绝望的症状，当一个非常重要的亲密事实被公然忽视或否认时，失控的人既不是邪恶的，也不是可怕的。
Obviously the method of delivery is drastically unhelpful; obviously it would always be better if we didn’t start to cry.
显然，这种表达方式根本无济于事；显然，如果我们不开始哭泣，情况会更好。
But it is not beyond understanding or, in theory at least, forgiveness if we were to do so.
但是，如果我们这样做，这并不是不能理解的，或者至少在理论上是可以宽恕的。
It’s horrible and frightening to witness someone getting intensely worked up - but with the benefit of perspective, their inner condition calls for deep compassion rather than a lecture.
目睹一个人变得非常激动是可怕的--但从长远来看，他们的内心状况需要的是深切的同情，而非说教。
We should remember that only someone who internally felt their life was in danger would end up in a mess in a discussion.
我们应该记住，只有内心感到生命有危险的人才会在讨论中陷入混乱。
We should keep this in mind because sometimes it will be us who fall into a deranged state; we won’t always be the aggrieved, cooler-headed party.
我们应该记住这一点，因为有时是我们自己陷入了精神错乱的状态，我们不会永远是愤愤不平、头脑冷静的一方。
We should all have a little film of ourselves at our very worst moments from which we replay brief highlights as we witness the other frothing and shouting
我们都应该拍一段自己在最糟糕时刻的短片，回放简短的亮点，同时见证对方口吐飞沫、大喊大叫，
and so remember that while we ourselves looked mad, our contortions were only the outer signs of an inner agony at being unable to make ourselves understood on a crucial point by the person we relied on.
因此，请记住，当我们自己看起来很疯狂时，我们的扭曲只是内心痛苦的外在表现，因为在一个关键的问题上，我们无法让我们所依赖的人理解我们。
We can stay calm with almost everyone in our lives.
我们几乎可以对生活中的每个人保持冷静。
If we lose our temper with our partners, it is (at best, in part) because we are so invested in them and our joint futures.
如果我们对我们的伴侣发脾气，(充其量，部分原因)是因为我们对他们和我们共同的未来太投入了。
We shouldn’t invariably hold it against someone that they behave in a stricken way; it isn’t (probably) a sign that they are mad or horrible.
我们不应该一成不变地认为某人行为恶劣；这(可能)并不是他们疯了或可怕的迹象。
Rather, as we should have the grace to remember, it is just that they love and depend on us very much.
相反，正如我们应该记住的那样，这只是因为他们非常爱我们，非常依赖我们。
