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A conference-survival handbook
会议生存手册
An email urging you to download the "forum-networking app" to start "making new connections" ahead of next week's "knowledge-sharing experience" reminds you of something you had pushed to the back of your mind: you are going to a conference.
一封邮件催促你下载"论坛社交应用程序"，以便在下周的"知识分享体验"之前开始"结识新的人"，这让你想起了一件你已经抛到脑后的事情：你要去参加一场会议。
If you are a paediatric nephrologist meeting colleagues to discuss the latest in children's dialysis, a founder looking for investors or a speaker, you know what to do.
如果你是一名儿科肾病学家，要与同事开会讨论儿童透析的最新进展，如果你是一位正在寻找投资者的创始人，或者是一位演讲者，那么你知道你要做什么。
But if--like most conference attendees, including, on occasion, this guest Bartleby--you are not sure why you are here, you need a strategy.
但如果----像大多数参会者一样，包括笔者有时候的情况----你不确定你为什么要开这个会，那么你需要一些策略。
First, manage your expectations: "convention", "summit", "event", "roadshow" and "festival" sound more fun than a conference, but don't bring your Glastonbury or Burning Man kit. You are still just going to a gabfest.
首先，管理好你的预期："大会""峰会""活动""路演"和"节日"听起来比"会议"更有趣，但不要带着你去格拉斯顿伯里音乐节或火人节的装备去开会。你去的还是一场空谈会。
No need to wear a three-piece suit, and by all means dress for comfort, but avoid the Midwest-account-manager-out-for-a-golf-weekend look. You never know whom you might run into.
没必要穿西装三件套，一定要怎么舒服怎么穿，但请不要打扮得像中西部会计经理周末去打高尔夫一样。你永远不知道你可能会遇到谁。
Next, remember that all icebreakers are a trick. If you are encouraged to draw something jolly on your name badge or use a "fun" sobriquet, politely resist.
第二，请记住所有的破冰游戏都是骗人的把戏。如果有人鼓励你在姓名牌上画一些有趣的东西或取一个"有趣"的绰号，请婉拒。
Similarly, if you are asked to share something nobody knows about you, this is a trap. Never say anything awkward about your own body or physiology ("I have a third nipple", "I can burp the alphabet"), or anyone else's.
同样地，如果你被要求分享一些关于你的没人知道的事情，那么这是一个陷阱。永远不要说任何关于你自己身体或生理的尴尬事情（"我有三个乳头""我可以用打嗝声说出字母表"），也不要说关于其他人的事情。
Avoid the temptation to be a pompous ass: "I was a junior swim champion and once dated Kylie Minogue." Being memorable means people will expect you to be both present and attentive. Blandness is a good goal.
忍住冲动，不要成为一个自命不凡的混蛋："我曾是青少年游泳冠军，还和凯莉·米洛约会过。"表现得能让人记住意味着人们会期待你既要在场又要专注。平淡无奇才是不错的目标。
Do turn up every day. But do not expect a prize for being a super-attender.
要每天都出现。但不要期望因为是超级出勤者而获得奖品。
If some form of presenteeism is required--ie, if you are accompanying your boss--apply the "first round" rule: stand up and ask a decent question early in a session, ideally near a photographer.
如果需要某种形式的出勤主义----也就是说，如果你是陪同老板开会----那就应用"第一轮"规则：在会议早期站起来问一个不错的问题，最好是站在摄影师附近。
Like getting the first round at the bar, people will remember you well after you have left.
就像在酒吧里请第一轮酒一样，你离开很久后，人们还是会记得你。
Choose your seat wisely. Too close to the front and you cannot escape a dull session, too near the back and nobody will see you.
明智地选择你的座位。太靠近前排，你就无法从一场沉闷的会议中逃走，太靠近后排，就没人会看到你来开会了。
As in aeroplanes, avoid the middle of rows. Standing in the wings offers maximum flexibility (though it brings the risk of an organiser asking you to sit down once all the good seats have been taken).
就像在飞机上一样，避免坐在中间的座位。站在侧翼区域能提供最大的灵活性（但风险是组织者可能会要求你坐下，那时候所有好座位都被占了）。
