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On our second date, Ike's father showed me a video of an infant in Andhra Pradesh. The child had rich brown skin and curious eyes. He pulled himself across a grass mat while a cobra, hood spread, hovered above the boy's soft body. The baby grabbed after the cobra's tail while the toothless snake struck him repeatedly on his downy head, snapping down upon his body like a whip.
在我们第二次约会的时候，艾克的爸爸给我看了安得拉邦一个新生儿的视频。视频里的孩子有着古铜色的皮肤和一双好奇的眼睛。他趴在草地上，一条没有牙的眼镜蛇盘在他身上。孩子抓着蛇的尾巴，而蛇像鞭子一样一直打他毛茸茸的头。
This, Ike's father said, is how you cultivate the absence of fear. Don't you wish someone had given you that gift?
这个就是怎么锻炼克服恐惧的方法。你有没有希望过自己也没有恐惧？艾克的爸爸说。
Fear keeps me safe, I said.
因为有恐惧我才活到现在，我说。
Snakes. Why do I think of these things before I try to fall asleep?
蛇，我也不知道为什么要在睡觉的时候想这些东西。
I put one arm across Ike's chest so that I will know if he moves. I can feel the pattern of his breath, the calm and easy way he sleeps, the simple way he dreams.
我把一只胳膊放在艾克的胸前，这样我就能知道他动没动。我感觉得到他呼吸的频率、他安稳的睡眠和简单的梦。
When I moved out, Mom had said. I need you to take Carnie.
当我决定搬走的时候，妈妈让我带着鹦鹉一起走。
It was the hundredth time she'd asked. We had her bills and bank statements spread out on the coffee table. Her eyesight was failing and we knew she couldn't live alone much longer. It was time to plan.
这已经是第一百次她这么问了。我们把她的账单和银行对账单都铺在咖啡桌上。妈妈的视力越来越不好了，我们都知道不能让她自己生活太久。所以是时候为卡尼打算了。
Carnie hung upside down in his cage. Empty seed casings and shredded newspaper littered the floor. Occasionally he pecked his image in a foil mirror, rang a bell with his beak.
卡尼悬停在笼子里。空瓜子壳，碎纸片掉了一地。偶尔他对着锡纸啄自己，或者用嘴弄弄铃铛。
I don't want the bird, I said. He hates me. He's drawn blood, for Christ's sake.
我不养，他讨厌我。他得要了我的命，我说。
If you loved me, Mom said, you'd take him. I can't sleep without knowing he's safe and taken care of.
如果你爱我就养他。要是不确定他过得好我肯定睡不好觉，妈妈说。
That's what you get, I said, for buying a bird with a life expectancy longer than your own.
这就是你买一只肯定活得比你长的鸟的代价，我说。
You know, she said. Then she stopped, as if she were afraid of what she'd say next.
你知道，没说完妈妈就停下了，好像害怕接下来要说的。
I'd always felt Mom's vision of perfection was outdated. I was never the ruddy-faced, pure-of-heart Girl Scout that she'd been. I failed home ec and took a liking to underground hip-hop and traveling jam bands. Dyed my hair blue one high school summer. In college got a tattoo of a purple bear on the back of my neck, which had infuriated Mom when she saw it.
我一直感觉妈妈的想法早就过时了。我永远不能像她在做童子军的时候那样容光焕发天真可爱。我没通过家政考试，喜欢地下嘻哈音乐。高中暑假的时候把头发染成了蓝色。大学的时候在脖子后面文了一只紫色的熊。妈妈看见的时候差点没气死。
In Mom's eyes, atonement was more than surfacing from the typical throes of adolescence and early scholastic failures. Atonement included my adoption of a bird I'd hated for over a decade.
在妈妈看来，我要真想悔改，光是摆脱青春期的那些典型的叛逆和早期学习上的失败还不够。真要悔改，还必须把我十年多来一直讨厌的鸟接过去好好抚养。
I don't trust the bird around Ike, and I can't handle the mess, the noise—
我怕鸟在艾克身边会伤着他，而且我也受不来他的笼子和叫声。
Mom was silent. I'll give Carnie to the plumber, Mom said, collecting herself. He's always liked Carnie.
妈妈安静了一会。我把他给水管工吧，他一直挺喜欢卡尼的，妈妈说。
I wish I could take him, I said.
我也希望我能养他，我说。
Lying doesn't help, Mom said.
别说谎了，妈妈说。
Even before I see it, Ted's Roadside Zoo depresses me. We park outside. The entrance is a plastic lion's face. We walk through its mouth.
还没等我看见鹦鹉，我就对泰迪路边动物园失望了。我们把车停在了外面。动物园的大门是一张塑料的狮子的脸。
The place smells like pee, Ike said.
这里闻起来像厕所，艾克说。
