I am afraid I have not yet completed this process. It is certain that I cannot always distinguish my own thoughts from those I read, because what I read becomes the very substance and texture of my mind. Consequently, in nearly all that I write, I produce something which very much resembles the crazy patchwork I used to make when I first learned to sew. This patchwork was made of all sorts of odds and ends—pretty bits of silk and velvet; but the coarse pieces that were not pleasant to touch always predominated. Likewise my compositions are made up of crude notions of my own, inlaid with the brighter thoughts and riper opinions of the authors I have read. It seems to me that the great difficulty of writing is to make the language of the educated mind express our confused ideas, half feelings, half thoughts, when we are little more than bundles of instinctive tendencies. Trying to write is very much like trying to put a Chinese puzzle together. We have a pattern in mind which we wish to work out in words;but the words will not fit the spaces, or, if they do, they will not match the design. But we keep on trying because we know that others have succeeded, and we are not willing to acknowledge defeat.
至今,我仍担心自己无法完成这一过程。显而易见的是,我不能总是从我读到的东西里辨认出我自己的思想,因为我读过的东西已经变成了我的精神食粮,它已经与我融为一体。所以说,在我写的几乎所有文章里,我所创造出的是这样一种东西——它很像我最初学习女红时所缝制的一件色彩斑斓的百衲衣。这件百衲衣由各种各样的碎布头制成,虽然不乏精美的丝绸和天鹅绒,可是这些拼凑的碎片始终不能令人满意。同样,我的作文也是既有我自己的粗鄙见解,也不乏一些大家的真知灼见。在我看来,写作的最大困难就在于,我们要用理性的语言去表达自身混乱的思绪、不成熟的情感和幼稚的观念,可以说,这基本上属于一种本能行为。尝试写作的过程就像拼凑中国的七巧板和九连环一样复杂。我们在脑海中勾勒出一幅图案,我们希望借助文字表达其含义,但是在通常情况下,文字并不适用于这个范畴,或者说,文字同那幅图案不相匹配。尽管如此,我们依旧锲而不舍地努力尝试,因为我们知道别人已经取得了成功,我们不愿意承认自己是失败者。
"There is no way to become original, except to be born so," says Stevenson, and although I may not be original, I hope sometime to outgrow my artificial, periwigged compositions. Then, perhaps, my own thoughts and experiences will come to the surface. Meanwhile I trust and hope and persevere, and try not to let the bitter memory of "The Frost King" trammel my efforts.
尽快创造出自己的替代品,虽然这些替代品只是头戴假发面具的矫饰文字。或许有朝一日,我自己的思想和人生经验也会尽显本色。在学习写作的过程中,我满怀信心,坚持不懈,并且尽量不让《冰雪之王》的苦涩记忆变成我学习之路上的阻碍。
So this sad experience may have done me good and set me thinking on some of the problems of composition. My only regret is that it resulted in the loss of one of my dearest friends, Mr. Anagnos.
对我而言,这个惨痛的经历未尝不是一件好事,它让我对作文中所暴露的问题做出更加深入的思考。我唯一感到遗憾的是,我因此失去了最亲爱的朋友阿纳戈诺斯先生的友谊。
Since the publication of "The Story of My Life" in the Ladies' Home Journal, Mr. Anagnos has made a statement, in a letter to Mr. Macy, that at the time of the "Frost King" matter, he believed I was innocent. He says, the court of investigation before which I was brought consisted of eight people: four blind, four seeing persons. Four of them, he says, thought I knew that Miss Canby's story had been read to me, and the others did not hold this view. Mr. Anagnos states that he cast his vote with those who were favourable to me.
《我的生活》刊登在《女士之家》杂志以后,阿纳戈诺斯先生便发表了一项声明,他在给梅西先生的一封信中提到了《冰雪之王》事件。他相信我是无辜的,据他说,调查团由八名成员组成,包括四名盲人,四名正常人。其中的四人认为我读过肯拜小姐的故事,而另外四人则不支持这种观点。阿纳戈诺斯先生表示,作为调查团成员之一,他投了支持我的一票。
But, however the case may have been, with whichever side he may have cast his vote, when I went into the room where Mr. Anagnos had so often held me on his knee and, forgetting his many cares, had shared in my frolics, and found there persons who seemed to doubt me, I felt that there was something hostile and menacing in the very atmosphere, and subsequent events have borne out this impression. For two years he seems to have held the belief that Miss Sullivan and I were innocent. Then he evidently retracted his favourable judgment, why I do not know. Nor did I know the details of the investigation. I never knew even the names of the members of the "court" who did not speak to me. I was too excited to notice anything, too frightened to ask questions. Indeed, I could scarcely think what I was saying, or what was being said to me.
其实,无论这一事件的结果如何,也无论阿纳戈诺斯先生把自己的票投向哪一方,每当我走进他的办公室时,他总会把我抱在膝上嬉戏玩耍,从而忘掉种种烦恼。当时,他已经发觉到有人对我产生了怀疑,而我也感到周围弥漫着某种险恶的敌对气氛;其后发生的事件终于印证了这种不祥的预感。整整两年间,阿纳戈诺斯先生似乎一直相信我和苏立文小姐是清白无辜的。但是后来,他的立场发生了明显的偏转,我不知道这是为什么,也不知道具体的调查细节。我甚至连“陪审团”成员的名字都不知道,他们也不曾跟我说过话。当时,我心情激动,难以顾及其他事情;而且,我吓得惊恐万状,根本无法提出异议。事实上,我几乎想不起来我说过什么话,或者别人跟我说过什么话。
I have given this account of the "Frost King" affair because it was important in my life and education; and, in order that there might be no misunderstanding, I have set forth all the facts as they appear to me, without a thought of defending myself or of laying blame on any one.
我所以把《冰雪之王》事件详加描述,是因为它在我接受教育的过程中意义非常。行为得当,也就不会引起误解发生。因此,一旦误解再度出现时,我会阐明事实,既不会巧言辩白,也不会怨天尤人。