Lisa

丽萨

Lisa Brennan, however, did not have a great childhood. When she was young, her father almost never came to see her. “I didn’t want to be a father, so I wasn’t,” Jobs later said, with only a touch of remorse in his voice. Yet occasionally he felt the tug. One day, when Lisa was three, Jobs was driving near the house he had bought for her and Chrisann, and he decided to stop. Lisa didn’t know who he was. He sat on the doorstep, not venturing inside, and talked to Chrisann. The scene was repeated once or twice a year. Jobs would come by unannounced, talk a little bit about Lisa’s school options or other issues, then drive off in his Mercedes.

丽萨·布伦南（LisaBrennan）的童年就没有那么棒了。她小时候，父亲几乎从不来看她。“我不希望做父亲，所以我就不做。”乔布斯后来说，语气中只有一点点自责。然而有时候他也能感觉到这种牵挂。丽萨3岁时的一天，乔布斯开车路过他给她和克里斯安买的房子时，决定停下来看一看。丽萨还不知道他是谁。他坐在门前的台阶上跟克里斯安聊天，没敢进屋去。这样的场景每年会出现一两次。乔布斯会突然跑来，简单讨论一下丽萨要上的学校或其他事情，然后就开着他的奔驰车离开。

But by the time Lisa turned eight, in 1986, the visits were occurring more frequently. Jobs was no longer immersed in the grueling push to create the Macintosh or in the subsequent power struggles with Sculley. He was at NeXT, which was calmer, friendlier, and headquartered in Palo Alto, near where Chrisann and Lisa lived. In addition, by the time she was in third grade, it was clear that Lisa was a smart and artistic kid, who had already been singled out by her teachers for her writing ability. She was spunky and high-spirited and had a little of her father’s defiant attitude. She also looked a bit like him, with arched eyebrows and a faintly Middle Eastern angularity. One day, to the surprise of his colleagues, he brought her by the office. As she turned cartwheels in the corridor, she squealed, “Look at me!”

但到了丽萨8岁的时候，也就是1986年，他来得更加频繁。他已经从开发麦金塔的巨大压力和后来跟斯卡利的权力之争中解脱出来。他当时在NeXT，环境更为平静友善，公司总部在帕洛奥图，离克里斯安和丽萨的住处很近。再加上，到了三四年级就可以看出，丽萨是个聪明又有艺术天赋的孩子，她的写作能力已经得到老师的特别关注了。她充满勇气，活力十足，还有一点儿她爸爸的叛逆气质。她看起来也有点儿像他，弯弯的眉毛，略带中东味道的棱角。有一天，出乎同事们的意料，他把她带到了办公室。她在走廊里侧手翻，还尖叫着，“快看我呀！”

Avie Tevanian, a lanky and gregarious engineer at NeXT who had become Jobs’s friend, remembers that every now and then, when they were going out to dinner, they would stop by Chrisann’s house to pick up Lisa. “He was very sweet to her,” Tevanian recalled. “He was a vegetarian, and so was Chrisann, but she wasn’t. He was fine with that. He suggested she order chicken, and she did.”

阿维·泰瓦尼安（AvieTevanian）是NeXT的一名工程师，瘦髙个儿，爱交际，后来成了乔布斯的朋友。他回忆说，时不时地，他们一起出去吃饭时，就会在克里斯安家停一下，接上丽萨。“他对她特别和蔼，”泰瓦尼安回忆说，“他是素食者，克里斯安也是，但丽萨不是。他对此也没意见。他建议她点鸡肉，她就照做。”

Eating chicken became her little indulgence as she shuttled between two parents who were vegetarians with a spiritual regard for natural foods. “We bought our groceries—our puntarella, quinoa, celeriac, carob-covered nuts—in yeasty-smelling stores where the women didn’t dye their hair,” she later wrote about her time with her mother. “But we sometimes tasted foreign treats. A few times we bought a hot, seasoned chicken from a gourmet shop with rows and rows of chickens turning on spits, and ate it in the car from the foil-lined paper bag with our fingers.” Her father, whose dietary fixations came in fanatic waves, was more fastidious about what he ate. She watched him spit out a mouthful of soup one day after learning that it contained butter. After loosening up a bit while at Apple, he was back to being a strict vegan. Even at a young age Lisa began to realize his diet obsessions reflected a life philosophy, one in which asceticism and minimalism could heighten subsequent sensations. “He believed that great harvests came from arid sources, pleasure from restraint,” she noted. “He knew the equations that most people didn’t know: Things led to their opposites.”

吃鸡肉成了丽萨在父母之间穿梭时的一个小小放纵，她的父母都是素食者，而且对自然食品都有精神崇拜。“我们去那些满是酵母味的商店买菜，买菊苣、藜麦、块根芹、外面包裹角豆粉的坚果。那些地方的女人都不染头发的。”她后来写道，“但我们有时候会吃外国大餐。有几次我们去一个美食店买热气腾腾的烤鸡，一卷一卷的鸡肉在烤叉上转着，烤鸡装在衬着锡箔的纸袋里，我们就坐在车里用手拿着吃。”她父亲对饮食习惯有着近乎狂热的执著，对自己吃什么更是吹毛求疵。有天她亲眼目睹了他知道汤里有黄油之后，把一大口汤吐了出来。在苹果的一段时间，他在饮食方面的要求有所放松，后来就又成了一个严格的素食者。还在很小的年纪，丽萨就开始意识到他的饮食癖好反映了一种人生哲学：苦行和极简将会让人更加敏锐。“他相信匮乏即是富足，自律产生喜悦，”她说，“他知道一个大多数人不知道的道理：物极必反。”

In a similar way, the absence and coldness of her father made his occasional moments of warmth so much more intensely gratifying. “I didn’t live with him, but he would stop by our house some days, a deity among us for a few tingling moments or hours,” she recalled. Lisa soon became interesting enough that he would take walks with her. He would also go rollerblading with her on the quiet streets of old Palo Alto, often stopping at the houses of Joanna Hoffman and Andy Hertzfeld. The first time he brought her around to see Hoffman, he just knocked on the door and announced, “This is Lisa.” Hoffman knew right away. “It was obvious she was his daughter,” she told me. “Nobody has that jaw. It’s a signature jaw.” Hoffman, who suffered from not knowing her own divorced father until she was ten, encouraged Jobs to be a better father. He followed her advice, and later thanked her for it.

同理，父亲的疏离和冷漠也使得他偶尔的慈爱愈发显得可贵。“我不跟他一起生活，但他有时候会来我家，就像神那样在我们中间待上一会儿或几小时。”她回忆道。丽萨很快就变得很有趣了，他会跟她一起散步。他也会跟她一起在帕洛奥图老城安静的街道上滑轮滑，常常会在乔安娜·霍夫曼和安迪·赫茨菲尔德家停一下。他第一次带她去见霍夫曼时，就直接敲开门宣布，“这是丽萨。”霍夫曼顿时明白了。“很显然那是他女儿，”她告诉我，“没人会有那样的下巴。那是个标志性的下巴。”霍夫曼小时候因父母离异，直到10岁才知道父亲是谁，那是段痛苦的成长经历，因此她鼓励乔布斯努力做一个好父亲。乔布斯听从了她的建议，后来还为此而感激她。

Once he took Lisa on a business trip to Tokyo, and they stayed at the sleek and businesslike Okura Hotel. At the elegant downstairs sushi bar, Jobs ordered large trays of unagi sushi, a dish he loved so much that he allowed the warm cooked eel to pass muster as vegetarian. The pieces were coated with fine salt or a thin sweet sauce, and Lisa remembered later how they dissolved in her mouth. So, too, did the distance between them. As she later wrote, “It was the first time I’d felt, with him, so relaxed and content, over those trays of meat; the excess, the permission and warmth after the cold salads, meant a once inaccessible space had opened. He was less rigid with himself, even human under the great ceilings with the little chairs, with the meat, and me.”

有一次他出差去东京时带上了丽萨，他们住在时尚兼具商务风格的大仓酒店（OkuraHotel）。一楼有间雅致的寿司餐吧，乔布斯要了大盘大盘的鳗鱼寿司，他非常喜欢，甚至破了一下荤戒。寿司上包裹着精盐或薄薄的甜酱，丽萨还记得那种入口即化的感觉。他们父女之间的距离也随之融化了。后来她写道：“那是第一次，我跟他在一起，面对一盘盘的肉食，感觉那么放松和满足；冷沙拉后那种丰盛、纵容和温暧的感受，意味着曾经封闭的空间被打开了。他一个人时没那么严肃了，在那大大的屋顶下坐在小小的椅子上，跟那些肉食，跟我在一起，从神变成了人。”

But it was not always sweetness and light. Jobs was as mercurial with Lisa as he was with almost everyone, cycling between embrace and abandonment. On one visit he would be playful; on the next he would be cold; often he was not there at all. “She was always unsure of their relationship,” according to Hertzfeld. “I went to a birthday party of hers, and Steve was supposed to come, and he was very, very, late. She got extremely anxious and disappointed. But when he finally did come, she totally lit up.”

然而，事情并非总是那么甜蜜轻松。乔布斯对丽萨跟对其他几乎所有人一样善变。拥抱和冷落总是在循环上演。这次他可能玩得很高兴，下次他就可能很冷漠或根本不用心。“她对他们的关系总是不敢肯定赫茨菲尔德说，“有一次我去参加她的生曰会，史蒂夫该来的，可是他来得特别特别晚。丽萨极度焦虑和失望。但是他最终出现时，她一下子就好起来了。”

Lisa learned to be temperamental in return. Over the years their relationship would be a roller coaster, with each of the low points elongated by their shared stubbornness. After a falling-out, they could go for months not speaking to each other. Neither one was good at reaching out, apologizing, or making the effort to heal, even when he was wrestling with repeated health problems. One day in the fall of 2010 he was wistfully going through a box of old snapshots with me, and paused over one that showed him visiting Lisa when she was young. “I probably didn’t go over there enough,” he said. Since he had not spoken to her all that year, I asked if he might want to reach out to her with a call or email. He looked at me blankly for a moment, then went back to riffling through other old photographs.

反过来，丽萨也学会了耍脾气。这些年来，他们的关系就像是坐过山车，每次的低点都因他们共有的固执而延长。每次闹翻后，他们可以好几个月不讲话。两个人都不擅长主动道歉，或是作出和好的努力——即使是他在反复跟健康问题作斗争的时候也是如此。2010年秋季的一天，他伤感地跟我一起翻看一箱老照片，看到丽萨小时候他去看她时拍的一张照片。“也许我那时去看她的次数太少了。”他说。这一年他都还没有跟她说过话，我问他是否想给她打个电话或发个邮件。他茫然地盯着我看了一会儿，就低下头继续翻别的老照片去了。