Zhang had several opportunities to leave Beijing and met up with Shen, but she did not make it finally. Shen thought that she lost the chance purposely and that she did not love him at all and would not like to live with him any more, though they had been together for so many years. Living under long-term depression, Shen felt mentally broken and could not get the deserved warmth and comfort from his family. The distance of time and space enlarged the gap of their love. Without being understood by his beloved and with his doubt about her, this great writer was pining away day by day.
张兆和有多次离开北平与他团聚的机会,最终都未达成,沈从文认为她是故意错过的,他开始怀疑,经过了这么多年,张兆和仍然是不爱他的,并且不愿意与他共同生活了。长期的压抑,使精神处在崩溃边缘的沈从文无法从家庭中得到应有的温暖和慰藉。空间和时间令他们感情的裂痕越来越大,所爱之人的不理解以及自己对爱的怀疑,让这个伟大的作家的眼光一天天黯淡下去。
In 1995, Zhang sorted out her husband’s drafts of works. She confessed her guilty towards her husband in the book named The Following: “I have no idea whether it is a happiness or misfortune for Shen to live with me. I didn’t understand him completely. Later I knew him more, but not until now when I am sorting his compositions have I truly understand his philosophy of life and the burden he had undertaken. I know what I did not know in the past and I understand what I did not in the past. But it is too late! Why didn’t I try to understand him and help me when he was alive? Why did I leave so many conflicts unsolved? It is too late for me to feel regretful now.”
1995年,张兆和整理完沈从文生前的遗稿,在《后记》中深切地忏悔着自己对沈从文的一片深情的辜负———“从文与我相处,这一生,究竟是幸福还是不幸?得不到回答。我不理解他,不完全理解他。后来逐渐有了些理解,但是,真正懂得他的为人,懂得他一生承受的重压,是在整理编选他遗稿的现在。过去不知道的,现在知道了;过去不明白的,现在明白了……太晚了!为什么在他有生之年,不能发掘他,理解他,从各方面去帮助他,反而有那么多的矛盾得不到解决!悔之晚矣。
Decades of Shen and Zhang’s love and hatred is a valuable lesson that deserves our learning. Love is the only thing in the world that cannot be forced. It is like a balance scale, where if one side give too much and was too heavy, the other side would stand up and feel arrogant. If love has lost balance, why not let her (Zhang) fly to other places in pursuit of her own sky? Holding her tight in hand without letting her go would only result in a failed marriage, a failed love and a tortured life.
沈从文与张兆和几十年的爱与怨,情与痴,洋洋洒洒地挥就了一部值得现代人借鉴的婚姻图册. 爱情是这世上惟一不可以勉强的东西,它就像天平,如果一方付出过多,过于沉重,只能高高地翘起另一端的骄傲。爱既已失衡,不如放手,让她去发现别处天空的辽阔。紧紧抓在手里,不肯释怀的结果,便是累及婚姻,错爱一人,煎熬一生。