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Mike: Hey stop tickling me. I'm serious. Wo, wo, wo. Thank you for a lovely evening.
Jill: Oh, it's over?
Mike: Yeah. We can't do anything else. You ran out of money. Hey listen. I want to thank you
for letting me drive your new car Joan.
Jill: Jill.
Mike: That is such a wrong name for you. Because I look into your eyes and I see a loveliness
that makes me want to shout Joan, Joan!
Jill: You are so cute. Bye.
Mike: Bye. Bye.
Joan: Hi.
Mike: Joan?
Joan: Yes.
Mike: Good. You're Joan.
Joan: Where have you been?
Mike: Where have I been?
Joan: Yes. I'm sick and tired of waiting around. You said we were going to meet here at seven.
Mike: Oh. Oh right, uh. Well right now it's only five. You're two hours early.
Joan: Oh, I'm sorry.
Joan: My arms are getting shorter. Thanks for a lovely evening.
Mike: Ah, morning.
Joan: Wow!
Mike: I had a lovely time too. And by the way, thanks for letting me drive your car Jill.
Joan: Joan.
Mike: That is such a wrong name for you, because when I look into your eyes, I see a
loveliness that makes me want to shout Jill. Jill!
Joan: She's not going to buy that.
Joan: I don't care what you call me. Just call me.
Mike: Ok.
Joan: Bye. You're so cute.
Mike: Dad.
Jason: Oh, I got my darn robe caught in the bushes. So the old house is looking pretty good,
hu?
Mike: Dad, you were spying on me.
Jason: I wasn't spying...
Mike: Yeah you were.
Jason: A father doesn't spy. A father observes and goes wow!
Mike: You're jealous.
Jason: I'm not jealous.
Mike: You're jealous inside.
Jason: I'm not jealous, I happen to be a married man Mike. Happen to be married to a fine
woman too. Don't you forget that.
Mike: Ok.
Jason: What do I need with a girl half your mothers age? Uh hu. Don't tell her I said that.
Mike: Ahh!
Eddie: Ah, Michael Seaver, you are not an easy man to find.
Mike: Eddie, what are you doing here?
Eddie: I need your advice. It's about a girl I'm seeing.
Mike: Tell her to shave.
Eddie: No, no, no. You don't understand. This could be the one. This could be her. This is the
woman I've been searching for hither and yond. Michael, I'm considering fathering this
woman's child.
Mike: That's swell Eddie.
Eddie: No Mike. I've changed. I am no longer the desperate troller I once was.
Mike: Oh. Alright, well where did you find her?
Eddie: I picked her up t the zoo.
Mike: Eddie, get out. I'm tired.
Eddie: No, no. Tell me everything you know about the theatre.
Mike: No. Come on. I'm going to bed.
Eddie: Mike, she knows about the theatre and if I don't learn this stuff, this relationship is
gone with the wind.
Mike: Look Eddie, I can't tell you everything in ten minutes.
Eddie: Alright. Another idea. Let's just double date tonight. That way if she starts yakking
about some stupid play and I say "that's neat", you can say, "What Eddie meant to say was",
and put it into theatre words.
Mike: What like mezzanine?
Eddie: yeah, stuff like that.
Mike: Ok, ok.
Eddie: great. Any food you are allergic to, because I'm going to the market to do the
shopping?
Mike: For what?
Eddie: Our dinner party.
Mike: What dinner party?
Eddie: I am cooking spaghetti Eddie.
Mike: Woo hoo.
Eddie: So I'll be back about three to help you move the furniture.
Mike: Wait. Why?
Eddie: Because I told her I lived in a great place. This is a dump.
Mike: What do you mean Eddie? Come on, what's wrong with your place?
Eddie: My furniture popped.
Chrissy: Mum. Where do I get more meatballs?
Maggie: Chrissy, what are you doing?
Chrissy: I'm making dinner for Mike, Eddie and their babes.
Maggie: But honey, you don't know how to cook.
Chrissy: Shhh!
Mike: Alright, is the soup ready yet?
Maggie: I hope you two are planning on cleaning this up?
Eddie: Oh Mrs. Seaver, you are upset about this mess, and rightfully so.
Maggie: Yes I am.
Eddie: So forgive me. I just wanted Chrissy to be included, to be a part of things. And for ten
bucks, where are my stinking meat balls?
Chrissy: You got bigger problems than that. I lost a band aid in there.
Maggie: Oh, who's going to clean this up?
Mike: Listen, I got to go pick up my date.
Eddie: Go. I'll find the band aid myself.
Mike: Ok mum.
Maggie: I guess so.
Mike: Oh thank you.
Maggie: So you boys are throwing a dinner party? How sophisticated.
Eddie: Yeah well sort of.
Maggie: Sort of.
Eddie: Yeah, I wish we didn't have to eat off the paper plates and jelly jars.
Maggie: That's a shame.
Eddie: Well where do you expect a guy like me to find fine china and crystal/
Maggie: Oh, Eddie, why don't you use mine?
Eddie: really? Oh I couldn't.
Maggie: Sure you could.
Eddie: Well if you insist.
Maggie: It's just sitting up here collecting dust and I always feel that presentation is half the
meal.
Eddie: Oh. Nice set of flutes Mrs. Seaver.
Jason: Hmmm. Spaghetti. Everywhere.
Maggie: You know Jason, twenty year old men find me attractive.
Jason: Who?
Maggie: Eddie.
Jason: Com eon. You weren't flattered by Eddie. Eddie finds anything with a pulse attractive.
Maggie: So I'm anything with a pulse?
Jason: No, you're my anything with a pulse.
Maggie: Sweetheart?
Jason: What?
Maggie: Why don't you try the spaghetti?
Jason: Yeah.
Carol: I won't be home for dinner tonight. I have date. Maybe the drought is over. Not that
anybody cares.
Jason: Oh, it's a little spicier than usual. Oh, what's in this ravioli? Hmmm.
Mike: Alright, alright listen. It's my apartment, I live here. But tonight, I don't know whose
place this is.
Date: we have something in common.
Eddie: No, no, Mrs. Seaver. One candelabra is plenty. Welcome to my home.
Date: It's Chanukah?
Mike: Ah, excuse us. Eddie, Eddie, Eddie. How in the world did you get my mum to give you
all her worldly possessions that she'd never give me?
Eddie: I talked to her. I appealed to her as a person. And by the way Mike, do you know that
your mum has got quite a butt.
Mike: Come on.
Eddie: Oh, thanks for reminding me. I've got to hurry downstairs and get dinner before my
lady gets here. Hello, I'm Eddie.
Tina: I'm Tina. May I check your heart? No, I'm off duty.
Eddie: Well you are obviously very dedicated to your craft.
Mike: Where were we?
Tina: Neither one of us knew.
Mike: Right right, see, see this is my apartment, but Eddie is pretending this is his apartment
because there is this girl that he wants to impress tonight.
Tina: You know, you have a nice head.
Mike: Pardon me?
Tina: There I go. Talking shop again.
Eddie: Actually I am kind of stuck here in this dump until I can move out on my own.
Mike: Kate!
Kate: Hi Mike.
Mike: What are you doing here?
Kate: As if you didn't know.
Tina: He doesn't. He doesn't know anything.
Eddie: Um, Michael, you know my lady?
Kate: You could say that.
Mike: Wait a minute. This is the woman, whose children you are going to father?
Eddie: I don't know where he got that idea.
Kate: Mike, you could have just called. You didn't have to get Eddie to bring me here, did you?
Mike: No, I didn't.
Kate: You didn't?
Mike: No. No. I, I, I didn't even know it was you who was dating Eddie.
Kate: I just find that hard to believe. I mean two guys who are such good friends don't discuss
the women they are dating.
Mike: I would never talk to Eddie about any woman I was dating, let alone introduce him to
any woman I was dating.
Kate: Well I just thought....It just seemed natural that...Oh never mind.
Mike: Look, I know this is really uncomfortable Kate, but we are friends...
Kate: This is just a dinner party.
Mike: Right, right. We are friends, this is a dinner party. Why not act civilized?
Kate: Certainly.
Mike: Yes. Hi, well, uh, Eddie, Tina. You both may have guessed that Kate and I have dated.
Kate: And to be totally honest and adult, we still do see each other occasionally.
Mike: Yes, but that doesn't mean anything. You know what I...we both decided at the same
time to see other people.
Tina: She dumped you?
Mike: No.
Eddie: Well Mike, what's passed is passed. Can we just have some fun?
Kate: Sure.
Mike: Ok.
Tina: Goodie.
Kate: Could you pass the salt honey?
