Mike: Uh, hey everybody…Good morning…I'm your teacher. My name is Mike seaver…S e a v e r and we will be starting at the beginning today.
Chapter 1: Gravity. That's g r a v… i t y, gravity. Uh, well, let's face it…this gravity stuff is pretty easy right? I mean why else would they put it in front of the book? Ok? I mean, I could tell you about it, but I don't want to insult your intelligence. All right so that leaves about 59 minutes to kill. So anybody see the Knicks-Bulls game the other night?
Luke: Mr.Seaver? Mr.Seaver? Excuse me!!!I thought today's subject was gravity.
Mike: Ok fine, fine, fine…I was just trying something a little new with you guys but I can see you are just not ready for it yet. Ok, we will go by the book….you happy? Gravity is the centr…. Centp…centripetal force that keeps the earth from flying to pieces, and the universe from becoming a dark, endless, desolate cloud of dust.Wow... Bumber…
Luke: Mr. Seaver? What does that mean in English?
Mike: A fair question. A very fair question…Does anybody have the answer to that? Well, before I give you my own personal explanation, why don't we see what the so called expert's have to say… The earth's gravity exerts a constant and equal force on all objects, regardless of mass, for example a feather and a coin must fall at exactly the same speed.
Luke: Mr. Seaver?
Mike: What?
Luke: You just said that a feather and a coin would fall at exactly the same speed.
Mike: I certainly did not…oh I did.
Luke: But they don't. I tried it.
Mike: Well the book says that they do, so why don't we just move on ok?
Luke: Prove it.
Everybody: O…
Mike: Ok, ok fine. Feather, quarter.
Luke: The book is wrong, end of story.
Mike: They should check this stuff out before they printed it. Ok ok I got it.
Luke: It doesn't matter how you drop them. You can blow them out your ears if you want. The smarter money is on the quarter.
Mike: I don't get this. This guy doesn't know what he's talking about.
Student: Neither do you.
Student 2: Finally, a teacher that's dumber than we are. Is this a great country or what?

Maggie: Hi honey, how was kindergarten?
Chrissy: This was the worst day of my life
Maggie: Oh what happened?
Chrissy: Nothing, I sat in the back, no one talked to me, and when they passed out the musical instruments, I got the stick.
Maggie: Oh honey everyone gets the…That happens to everyone sometimes. Wait a minute; did you do what Ben said?
Chrissy: I didn't want to be a "dorfburger".
Maggie: Ben Seaver, do you know what you did by filling your sister's head with your silly….
Ben: Mom can this wait? I just had the worst day of my life.
Chrissy: Did you get the stick too?
Ben: Worse. In history, I tried to sit in the back, but noooo., all the good seats were taken.
Chrissy: You sat in the front?
Ben: Yeah.Right under Mrs. Sampson's nose, which -believe me -is not a pretty site.
Maggie: Oh Ben…
Ben: Then at lunch, some big guy with sideburns forced me to eat green jello. God help me, I liked it.
Chrissy: You ate green jello?
Ben: Yeah, and I was like the nerd magnet. The whole chess club sat with me. They elected me president.
Maggie: Oh Ben, that doesn't make you a nerd…
Ben: No, well this does: The school nurse says I need glasses. We are talking full frontal nerdity. I've hit rock bottom.
Chrissy: Not yet. Your baby sister is going to beat you up.
Maggie: Oh hi Carol, I wasn't expecting you home from dinner.
Carol: Mom, I don't have time for your problems. I just had the worst day of my life.
Maggie: How was your dorm room?
Carol: Why don't you ask somebody who spent some time there? Like my roommate's boyfriend.
Maggie: (laughing)
Carol: Mom, what's so funny?
Maggie: Well, a very similar thing happened to me while I was in college…There was this girl who had this stud boyfriend, they were always at it, they never stopped, until one day her roommate decided shed had enough, and she marched right in there and she told her off for good.
Carol: And you were the roommate?
Maggie: No I was the girl with the stud boyfriend.
Carol: Whoa, mom. And dad was the stud? You two were always at it? You never stopped?
Maggie: No, actually the stud was Danny Cross. It was a little bit before I mentioned your father, so I'd appreciate it if you didn't mention it…
Jason: Hi ladies.
Maggie: Hi.
Jason: Mention what?
Carol: Oh nothing we were just talking about mom's days in the dorm.
Jason: Hoho, the Danny cross thing…
Maggie: Who told you about me and Danny Cross?
Jason: Danny Cross. Why did you think I asked you out?
(Door knocks)

Mike: Come in.
Jason: Hey we missed you at dinner; I thought maybe you'd like some of your mom's famous Swedish meatballs.
Mike: Ah, no thanks dad, I'm not hungry. It was a total failure.
Jason: What happened?
Mike: I spoke.
Jason: Oh come on, it couldn't have been all that bad.
Mike: Oh no? Dad, I had an entire class laugh at me today. One kid said I was dumb. The only argument he got was from another kid that said I was stupid.
Jason: Did you really think that teaching was going to be easy?
Mike: Why do you think I signed up? Dad, I thought teaching was going to be all pop quizzes and looking up answers in the back of the book. But there was this one smart little kid who kept asking me to explain stuff. I mean every time I didn't know what I was talking about, he would fire off another round. He was like a dumb seeking missile. I mean what's with him? I didn't ask questions in school.
Jason: Well, there's always going to be one kid smarter than you Mike, that's the one that's going to keep you on your toes.
Mike: Yeah, what makes you so sure?
Jason: I know, I got a son who's smarter than I am.
Mike: Oh come on dad, you got it all over Ben.
Jason: I'm talking about you Mike. Come on, I don't tell you all the time, but I got faith in you. So teaching is a little more than you bargained for. You are either going to stick with it, or you are going to give it up. And I know you will know the right thing to do.

Francis: Ah Mr. Seaver, after arduous work, I have just sent your hiring package downtown. Welcome aboard.
Mike: Ah, Mr. Tedesco we have to talk.
Francis: About what?
Mike: Well, you are going to laugh…you see uh, remember yesterday when we were talking about teaching and commitment?
Francis: You're quitting.
Mike: Well, let me explain. See, my dad told me last night that I would know the right thing to do and, well, this morning it was perfectly clear. Mr. Tedesco are you ok?
Francis: I have a sharp blinding pain behind my left eye
Mike: Well, can I get you something?
Francis: Seaver!!! We interfaced.
Mike: Mr. Tedesco, I'll do anything to make it up for you.
Francis: Teach your class today.
Mike: I'll do anything else to make it up for you.
Francis: Seaver, I can't possibly get a replacement on such short notice. Teach you must and teach you will.
Mike: But…
Francis: In a few moments, when the blinding pain subsides I'll start work on your termination forms. Now I'd like to be alone.
Mike: Look, I'm sorry, it's just that I can't face those kids again.
Francis: I'm seeing tiny white explosions. Under different circumstances they might actually be pretty.

Carol: All right you two, enough with this smut face. This is my room, I have rights too, and I want you out. Did you hear me? Out! Hey you are not Mari Ann's boyfriend….and you aren't Mari Ann. And what happened to my posters? Mercy, I'm on the wrong floor. Tata.

Luke: Mr. Seaver? Are we going to start?
Mike: Yes, yeah…ok everyone have a seat. Ok, now about yesterday…
Everyone: Oh man…..
Student 1: Chill, chill everybody…Professor Einstein is talking.
Student 2: What are you going to teach us today? The sun is like really really hot?
Mike: No, today we are going to continue the discussion on gravity. Ok, now we are going to get this right, if it takes all day.
Student 2: I better clear my calendar.
Mike: Ok, the earth's gravity exerts a constant and equal force on all objects, regardless of mass. For example, a feather and a coin, must fall at exactly the same speed. Once the factor of air resistance is removed….Air resistance!!! Hey! Hold it right there. Is that a water balloon?
Student: Yes, yes sir.
Mike: Good thinking. All right…has anybody else got one? Guys, guys, guys, yesterday we didn't account for the air resistance.
Luke: What?
Mike: Ok, everybody follow me. We are going to throw them out the window. Ok, everyone observe: A heavy balloon, and a light balloon. Ok, Luke, I want you to time this.
(Throws out balloon)
(Cat screams)
Luke: 2.2 seconds.
Student: That cold cocked that cat at the same time…
Mike: Ok, now what does that mean?
Luke: The cat is unconscious?
Mike: No, it means that whatever we drop will take 2.2 seconds to hit the ground.
Luke: What else can we drop?
Student: New year's hat.
Luke: 2.2 seconds, let's try something bigger…
Student 3: Yeah, T.D's lunch.
Student 2: Hey my mom packed that!!!
Luke: 2.2 seconds.
Student 1: We made a pretty cool design too.
Luke: But there's no way feathers are going to drop that fast…
Mike: But the problem with the feather is that air resistance. Ok, now, maybe the book has more to say…ok come on.
(Students continue throwing things out the window)

Luke: There's a picture in there of a tube, just like this one.
Mike: Ok…allright...here we go. Coin, feather, no air. Moment of truth, watch and be amazed. It worked!!!
Luke: That was great, do that again!
Mike: Ok ok.
Luke: This is amazing, this is incredible…you're not as stupid as everyone says you are.
Mike: I'm not, I'm not.
Luke: Hey we got to do more stuff like this.
Mike: Oh yeah you bet, we got a whole book to go through here, and we are only on page what…?
Luke: One.
Mike: Ok, now next time…next time…I got to talk to Tedesco…Uh, carry on. Mr. Tedesco!!!

Francis: Ah Mr. Seaver I just mailed in your termination packet downtown, you are free.
Mike: Mr. Tedesco we have to talk.
Francis: About what?
Mike: Well, you're going to laugh, but the teaching fool is here to stay.
Student 1: 2.2 seconds!