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It's nine a.m., but it feels like Ted's place isn't open. I've yet to see an employee.
现在已经是早上9点了，可是动物园还是和没开一样，一个工作人员也没见到。
I've heard stories about these places, how they keep big cats in small enclosures. How the animals often have ingrown nails and zero percent fat.
我听说这些动物园把大型猫科动物都放在很小的笼子里。指甲长到了肉里，快瘦成了皮包骨。
I have the urge to call out, Mom?-as if I'm coming home after a long day.
我想大叫，就像放学回家时候那样。
We find a man feeding a seal.
我们找到一个正在喂海豹的工作人员。
Where are your birds? I ask. Specifically, your African gray?
你们的鸟在哪？非洲灰鹦鹉？我问。
We have two, he says. Over by the vending machine.
我们有两只，在自动售货机那，他说。
I need the one named Carnie, I say. The one you received from the Red oak Bird Sanctuary.
我想找叫卡尼的那只，从红橡树鸟类收容所里来的那只，我说。
I think it's the one on the left he says, they all look alike.
应该是左边的那只吧，他们都长一样，他说。
I hone in on Carnie's knowing eye. He looked like the same bird, though his eyes had yellowed and his gray feathers had worn thin around his neck.
我全神贯注地看着卡尼会意的眼睛。他没怎么变样，就是眼睛变黄了，脖子周围的羽毛也没有以前厚了。
Carnie, I say. Carnie. Good boy. What do you want for dinner? I pull out a pack of sunflower seeds I had purchased down the road. I look at the white down on the bird's chest and think, Mom's voice is in there.
卡尼，好孩子，想吃东西吗？我拿出了一包在路上买的瓜子。我看着他的胸脯，我妈妈的声音就在里面。
Ike closes in on the cage. He waves his hands in front of the parrot's face.
艾克靠了过来，对着鹦鹉挥手。
Carnie? I ask. Want to sing some Patsy?
卡尼？想唱首佩茜的歌吗？
For a half-hour, Ike and I coo and speak and dance, but the bird doesn't say a word. Beneath this wall of gray feathers is the last shard of my mother, and I feel myself growing increasingly desperate. How thick was her accent? Was her singing as beautiful as I remember? She always spoke sweetly to Carnie, and wanted to hear that sugary tone, the one she hadn't used with me in her last years.
半个小时，我和艾克又唱又跳又咕咕叫，但是鹦鹉一个词都没说。想到他的灰色羽毛下面，存留着妈妈最后的碎片，我越发着急了。他的声音还那么好吗？他还像我记得的唱得一样好吗？妈妈对卡尼说话的时候总是很温柔，在她最后的几年里很少这么跟我说话。
How do you know this is the right bird? Ike asks.
你怎么知道这是你要找的鹦鹉？艾克问。
I did my research, I say. And he hates me. He's spiting me with silence.
我调查过了。他还在讨厌我，用冷漠惩罚我，我说。
Please talk, Ike says to Carnie. Carnie bobs his head up and down and bites his leg, a gesture that strikes me as the bird equivalent of thumbing one's nose.
请说句话吧，艾克说。卡尼脑袋上上下下地来回动，不断快速地猛咬他的身体。他的这个动作让我感觉他在鄙视我。
Just say something, I think. Anything. Just let me hear her again.
说点什么吧，什么都行，让我再听听妈妈的声音。
I'm surprised when I remember phone numbers and the alphabetical listing of all fifty states. But can't recall the funny way Mom said roof or Clorox. Not the rhyme she used to say about bad breath or the sound of the way she said good night. The longer Carnie goes without talking, the more I miss her.
我很惊讶我还能记得电话号码和按字母表说出50个州的名字，但是回忆不起妈妈说“roof”和“Clorox”时有趣的方式。我想不起来她说口臭时候用的词和她说晚安时候的声音。卡尼越不说话，我越想妈妈。
The morning we moved Mom into a home, the plumber came for Carnie. Mom's possessions had been boxed up and her furniture sold. She'd prepared a box for Carnie that contained his food, toys, water dish, spare newsprint, and a fabric square from one of her dresses. So he remembers me, she said.
我把妈妈送到疗养院的那天早上，水管工来取卡尼。妈妈把她的东西装箱，家具也卖了。她把卡尼的玩具、水盆、多余的报纸和她裙子上面剪下来的布都放在了一个箱子里。这样他就不会忘了我了，妈妈说。
