Tianjin Idlers

If someone throws a question to you: What does Tianjin produce? If you are unable to give an answer, you may feel completely flummoxed. The city of Tianjin produces neither grain nor fruit, and with a population of several thousand, it would be difficult to feed all the residents, even if the place were endowed with nine rivers teemed with fish and shrimps, and even if all the frogs in the river were killed for food. No wonder trains and ships carry rice and flour to Tianjin non-stop, day and night, and all roads to the city are congested with truckloads and cartloads of vegetables and fruits. Even so, Tianjin folks still obstreperously complain that there is absolutely nothing to buy, and there is simply no way to spend the huge lumps of cash they are holding.
What on earth does Tianjin produce then? I know the answer perfectly well, but I have to hold my tongue. If the word spreads, I shall be forced to leave Tianjin. Should the locals take umbrage, I can just disappear together with my family. But I have an old house and some relatives in Tianjin. It wouldn't be fair to implicate my relatives. I certainly don't want to get them into trouble.
So let me start by saying something flattering. Tianjin produces scholars and sages. Some may say this is sheer twaddle. Over a thousand years, Tianjin hasn't produced a Number One Scholar. Up to the time when the Qing government abolished the imperial examination system, not a single person from Tianjin had ever found his name on the list of successful examination candidates. So even today due to this disgrace the Confucian Temple in Tianjin can't open its main gate. Isn't it humiliating? But the reason for it can be ascribed to Tianjin's geographical proximity to Beijing. Those who wanted to take the examination would move there at their earliest convenience, and those who passed the examination would acquire a Beijing accent and refuse to acknowledge their Tianjin origin, with no credit being given to the fact that they had been raised in this city. Years of feeding them plainly went down the drain. How ungrateful! But then, no one in Tianjin cared much about scholars. If you were a big shot of the day, you had your own territory to rule. What was so special about Number One Scholar? You might end up being the emperor's son-in-law, which could hardly be fun. It wasn't exactly exciting either to have the empress as your mother-in-law.
To put it bluntly, Tianjin produces good-for-nothing loafers and hooligans. Is that so? Oh, yes. There is no need to say less than the truthful. Tianjin hooligans, organized and grouped, would risk their necks in scrimmages. Their most peculiar practice is called "folding" while holding your head in your arms, you lie on your side with knees bent, and no matter how unsparingly they bludgeon you, with blood gushing and spouting in every direction, you are not supposed to scream, or even utter a sound. In addition, you should neither clench your teeth nor frown. When one side of your body is thoroughly battered, you turn around to expose the other side. Why beat people like this? And why do the victims put up with this? No particular reason. Maybe this is Tianjin style. Or to use a trendy phrase, it is the "Tianjin complex".
Are there any outstanding characters in Tianjin after all? Yes, there are, a type that can only be found in Tianjin. Wherever you go, north or south, east or west, or even all over the world, you won't be able to find this type anywhere else, for it is unique to Tianjin. Let me explain: these are Tianjin idlers.