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Bartleby
巴托比专栏
How to behave in lifts
电梯行为规范
An onboarding guide to the etiquette of elevators.
电梯礼仪入职指南。
Congratulations on joining our internship programme.
祝贺你加入我们的实习项目。
For most of you this is your first experience of the workplace, and with that in mind we have prepared a guide to office etiquette.
对于你们大多数人来说，这是你们第一次体验职场，考虑到这一点，我们准备了一份办公室礼仪指南。
Other chapters cover what to wear (more), when to use emojis (less) and when to speak in meetings (it depends).
其他章节涵盖了穿什么（穿多点）、何时使用表情符号（少用点），以及何时在会议上发言（视情况而定）的内容。
The first chapter is on lifts.
第一章是关于电梯的。
If this is your first job, you may have a vague idea that this is where people make elevator pitches.
如果这是你的第一份工作，你可能会模模糊糊地认为，电梯是人们进行电梯提案的地方。
Wrong.
错了。
However much time you spend in a lift, you will never hear anyone proposing ideas that will change the world or ignite their careers.
无论在电梯里待多久，你都不会听到有人提出能够改变世界或点亮职业生涯的想法。
Instead, you will be exposed to a mixture of disappointment, incompetence and awkwardness as you gradually make your way to your destination.
相反，在你逐渐接近目的地的过程中，你会遇到失望、无能、尴尬的混合。
As a way of understanding what it’s like to be at work, in other words, it’s an ideal place to start.
换句话说，要想了解工作是什么样的，电梯是一个理想的起点。
Here are a few basic tips.
这里有一些基本提示。
When people are waiting for a lift, someone will stand right in front of the doors, so close that their breath mists the metal.
当人们在等电梯时，有的人会站在门口，离门很近，近到他们的呼吸使金属门蒙上了一层雾。
In the lift that is descending towards them, someone else will be standing as close as possible to their set of doors.
而在朝着这个人下降的电梯里，也会有人站在离门尽可能近的地方。
When the doors open, these two individuals will be utterly shocked by the proximity of the other.
当门打开时，这两个人会因为对方离自己如此近而吓一大跳。
They will then perform an elaborate little dance, like bowerbirds ducking and bobbing in search of a mate, before moving out of the way.
接着他俩会表演一段复杂的小舞蹈，就像园丁鸟在求偶时那样弯腰躲闪、摇头摆尾，然后才让开路。
You should always stand well back and let people out first.
你应该永远站在很后面，让电梯里的人先出去。
When you enter a ground-floor lift on your own, there will be an agonisingly long wait for the doors to close.
当你独自进入一楼的电梯时，会有一段极其漫长而磨人的时间等门关上。
This wait will be prolonged enough that you will assume the lift is broken.
这段等待时间会拖很久，以至于你会以为电梯坏了。
Do not do anything.
这时不要做任何事情。
If you try to step out, the doors will start to close and you will curse and step back inside.
如果你试图走出去，门就会开始关闭，然后你会咒骂着回到电梯里。
When they finally start to shut again, someone unseen will put an arm into the gap, causing the doors to open once more.
当门终于再次开始关闭时，某个看不见的人会将一只手臂伸进门缝，导致门再次打开。
A body will eventually follow.
后面的身体才终于跟上手臂。
This may well be repeated several times until you want to cry.
这可能会重复好几次，直到你欲哭无泪。
If you are prone to stress, take the stairs or, if that is not feasible, listen to a meditation app.
如果你容易对此感到压力，那就走楼梯，如果走楼梯不太可行，那就听冥想应用程序。
When you are catching a lift back down, someone will come out of it on your floor while looking at their phone.
当你乘电梯下楼时，会有人在你所在的楼层边看手机边走出电梯。
They will eventually look up and realise that this is not where they were meant to get out.
他们最终会抬起头，发现不应该在这里出电梯。
They will emit a small, high-pitched noise and scurry back into the lift.
他们会发出一声小小的、尖锐的声音，然后匆忙回到电梯里。
They will then describe what has just happened, even though you were there.
他们会向你描述刚刚发生了什么，即使你当时也在场。
“I thought that was the ground floor,” they will say.
“我以为那是一层呢。”他们会说。
When this happens you must laugh in a friendly way.
当这种情况发生时，你必须友好地笑一笑。
It is an oddly disturbing experience for people to enter another company’s territory without permission, a bit like being parachuted behind enemy lines in error.
未经允许进入另一家公司的领地对人们来说是一种奇怪的不安体验，有点像错误地被空投到敌后。
Deciding whether to start a conversation in a lift depends on three factors: familiarity, fullness and floor.
决定是否在电梯里开始交谈取决于三个因素：熟悉程度、拥挤程度、楼层。
If you are in a lift with someone you don’t know, it’s very simple: say nothing, smile thinly and then look fixedly at the ceiling.
如果你和一个不认识的人同在电梯里，这非常简单：什么也不用说，淡淡地微笑，然后死盯着天花板。
If you must, say “Good morning”, but nothing more.
如果一定要打招呼，就说“早上好”，其余不要多说。
You cannot network or form friendships in a lift; you can only make strangers fear for their safety.
你无法在电梯里建立人脉或结交朋友，你只会让电梯里的陌生人担心自己的安全。
If you get in with someone you work with and know well, chat away.
如果你和一起工作且很熟悉的人在电梯里，那就聊天吧。
But if there are other people in there, tailor your behaviour to take account of who might be earwigging.
但如果电梯里还有其他人，要考虑到谁可能在偷听而据此调整你的行为。
Do not say “Isn’t Keith amazingly short?” when Keith’s friends might be in there with you.
当基思的朋友可能和你一起在电梯里的时候，不要说“基思难道不是矮得惊人吗？”。
Or, buried deep among the crowd, Keith.
或者当基思可能深藏在人群里时，也不要这么说。
If you get in a lift with someone you know vaguely, you are in very tricky territory.
如果你和一个半熟不熟的人一起乘电梯，你就会处于非常棘手的境地。
A nod may suffice but you may have to speak to them.
点头可能就足够了，但你可能得和他们说话。
You must calibrate conversation to the length of the journey.
你必须根据要乘多久电梯来校准对话的内容。
If you have just two floors of ascent or descent together, do not ask for their views on the Geneva Convention.
如果你们只是一起上两层楼或下两层楼，就不要询问他们对《日内瓦公约》的看法。
(Actually, no matter what the circumstances, don’t ask for their views on the Geneva Convention.)
（实际上，无论在什么情况下，都不要询问他们对《日内瓦公约》的看法。）
Whenever a crowd is entering a lift, the person who has to exit first must stand at the very back.
每当一群人正进入电梯时，要第一个下电梯的人必须站在人群的最后面。
No one knows why this rule exists but it is crucial.
没有人知道为什么存在这条规则，但它至关重要。
So if you are getting out on the second floor, make sure to squeeze right in.
所以如果你要在二楼下电梯，那么请务必挤进后面。
Offices are tribal places, and so are lifts.
办公室是部落场所，电梯也是。
Entering a crowded lift on the way down is the equivalent of going into a saloon in a Western.
走进下行的拥挤电梯，就如同走进西部片中的酒吧。
No one is pleased to see you; the air crackles with hostility.
没有人乐意看到你，空气中充满了敌意。
Do not take it personally: just get in and take up as little space as possible.
不要往心里去：直接进去，并尽量少占空间。
By the time someone on the next floor tries to enter, you will be part of the in-group and can glare at them.
当有人在下一个楼层试图进入时，你将成为内部群体的一员，也可以瞪着这个外人。
There are other rules.
还有其他规则。
That mirror is not actually for getting dressed.
电梯里的那面镜子实际上不是用来整理衣服的。
Reaching across someone to press the buttons requires extreme care.
越过某人去按电梯按钮时需要格外小心。
But these will do for starters.
但这些规则对于新人来说已经够用了。
Let’s move on to tattoos.
接着让我们继续讨论纹身吧。
