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Radio: Three minutes before ten o' clock on a Friday in New York City and we've got you
rockin' and rollin'...
Ben: I keep forgetting; how old do you have to be to drive in this state again?
Jason: Get in side, Ben, now!
Maggie: Move it, Mister!
Jason: Joyriding in our car!
Maggie: Driving without a licence!
Jason: Without insurance!
Ben: Let's not forget the good news!
Maggie: What?
Ben: I'm home before my curfew.
Maggie: Ben, we are very, very disappointed in you. What were you thinking of?
Ben: I also wore my seatbelt the whole time.
Jason: That's it Ben, you're grounded! Go to your room!
Ben: For wearing my seat belt! I don't think that's very responsible parenting.
Jason: Not another word Ben.
Ben: I just wanted to say that I'm really sorry. I know I screwed up big, and I'll never do it
again. I don't know if you guys remember but it's pretty tough being a teen.
Maggie: Ben, honey, we love you very much; and that's why we're just a little disappointed.
Ben: Thanks for understanding. So, how about roasting us some hot dogs?
Jason: I said, go to your room!
Ben: I'm still grounded!
Maggie: Well, until we can think of the rest of your punishment.
Ben: I don't get it; I hugged you guys and everything.
Jason: I was moved. Go to your room.
Ben: This isn't the way it happens on TV.
Maggie: What's TV got to do with this?
Ben: In every family, on every TV show, when the kids mess up, all they have to do is hug
before the last commercial! Where the heck have you been?
Jason: Well, do you see any cameras here? Do you see any lights? This is not TV, Ben. This is
the real world! Problems just aren't solved that easy.
Ben: I know, Dad; that's why they have two-parters.
Jason: Ben!
Ben: Bart Simpson blew up a toilet, and he wasn't sent to his room.
Jason: He's a cartoon!
Ben: Yeah, so think how easy it should be for us humans.
Jason: I want you to go to your room...I want you to think about what you did wrong.
Ben: I'll tell you what's wrong; me being stuck here in the real world and not on TV.
Ben: What did I do, and why it was wrong. I got caught. That's probably wrong too.
Voice from above: Cut! Cut! Cut! Once again, from the top!
Ben: Hey, who are you?
Film crew: Special Effects.
Producer: Err...we're gonna have to do that again; it's way to big of a pause. Did you forget
your line?
Ben: What line? Who are you? What's going on here?
Producer: Don't play games; the director's in a bad mood.
Director: In a very bad mood. Every one whose name begins with a G is fired. Mmmm!
Ben: Hey, where's the rest of my bedroom? Where am I?
Producer: Meet The Seavers, opening scene. Take two. Remember, your first line is said very
softly. In five, four, three...
Ben: Aarrgghh!!!!
Ben: Aarrgghh! All of you, out! Come on, get out of my room! Get back! Get out of my room!
Producer: Jeremy! Jees, you're making me look bad.
Ben: Mom! Dad! What is going on here?
Director: That's what I want to know, Jeremy. We're doing a show here in two hours and this
Emmy winning director doesn't need this grief.
Ben: Why are you calling me Jeremy? Who is that? Is that God?
Producer: He is to me.
Director: Susan! Susan, give Jeremy his line for the last time.
Susan: I've got to tell Mom and Dad how sorry I am and how much I love them.
Ben: This is too weird.
Susan: Tell me about it.
Ben: Dad! Dad! Boy, am I glad to see you. I've been looking all over for you. What is
happening?
Jason: No, Shh shh. Now you've got to tell the Disney people I cannot make that ribbon
cutting on the fifth. I got the Passover Parade with Morgan Fairchild.
Ben: Dad, I gotta talk to you.
Jason: Yeah, go ahead.
Ben: Dad, look something really weird is going on here. Our house, well, it's like our house,
but it isn't. There's all these strange people. I think I'm losing my mind.
Jason: Err...No, no, no! I was very clear babe; I said a definite, no, to the new match game,
and a definite, yes, to the new Hollywood square.
Ben: Dad, can you get off the phone...I'm dying here.
Jason: Jeremy, don't you have your real family to help you with that?
Ben: You are my real family! You called me Jeremy too.
Jason: Yes, I did. That's your name. That's what I've been calling you for six seasons. That is
your name isn't it? What's your name?
Ben: Dad!
Jason: I'm not your dad. I play your father on television. Meet the Seavers! Remember?
Ben: Huh?
Jason: It's not like I don't care about you like me real son...I do... No! It's centre square, or I
walk.
Ben: No, no, Dad, this is wrong. Come on, we are not a TV family. We are a real family.
Jason: Well, why don't they just bump Urkel?
Ben: Mom! Mom!
Maggie: What is it, honey?
Ben: I don't know. I don't know anything. I am going nuts here. It seems to me that someone
has gone to a lot of trouble to mess with my head.
Ashley: Mom...Mom!
Maggie: What, honey?
Ashley: Can I please spend the night at Desree's tonight. I promise I won't stay up late...
Ben: Mom, who is this? Why's she calling you, Mom?
Maggie: Oh, you know my daughter, Ashley.
Ben: My sister!
Maggie: My daughter.
Ben: My sister!
Maggie: My daughter.
Ben: No, Ashley's not your daughter, Carol and Chrissy are.
Maggie: Oh, oh, they're my TV daughters. Ashley's my real daughter. You do know the
difference between TV and real life.
Ben: What's happening to me?
Ashley: And to think, I used to think you were hot.
Hans: Hey, gorgeous!
Maggie: Oh, hi honey.
Hans: Baby.
Ben: Hey!
Hans: Ay!
Maggie: Jeremy Miller, what's gotten into you?
Ben: Mom, what are you doing? Dad's right over there.
Maggie: Oh, he is only my TV husband. Hans is my real life...friend. Now you should
apologise.
Ben: Believe me, I will never joy-ride in the family car again.
Maggie: Oh, Jeremy, can we run these lines a little later?
Carol: Somebody call a nurse; the klutz did it again!
Ben: You know me.
Carol: Get away from me, you disgust me.
Ben: Of course I do, I'm your brother.
Carol: I don't have any brothers. I have several sisters though; all of whom are mighty
talented.
Ben: Carol, look, I know we haven't gotten along and I know we have our differences, but I
have to ask you a favour...Stop kidding with me! I don't know if I can take it for another
minute.
Carol: Kevin, am I done for the afternoon?
Producer: Sue, we don't need you till the audio show.
Carol: Aha! Yippee.
Ben: OK, I'm gonna close my eyes and when I open 'em back up, I'm gonna be in my room.
One. Two. Three.
Chrissy: What the heck are you doing?
Ben: Chrissy, tell me you're Chrissy.
Chrissy: I'm Chrissy. But for eight weeks this summer, I'm gonna be Annie!
(Singing) The
sun'll come out, tomorrow. Bet your bottom Dollar that tomorrow there'll be sun. Just thinking
about tomorrow cleans away the cobwebs and the sorrow, till there's no more. When I think of
the day that's grey and...
Ben: Aarrghh!
Chrissy: (singing) ...lonely. I just stick out my chin and grin and say. Everybody! Tomorrow I
love you! Tomorrow you're only a day away! Tomorrow! Tomorrow...
Ben: Hey, where's Mike? Mike Seaver.
Chauffeur: Over there. He thinks he can trick me.
Mike: Thanks for the support. See you later.
Ben: Yes or no, are you my brother or are you just an actor pretending to be?
Mike: Come again?
Kate: Ready for lunch, sweetheart?
Mike: Oh, hey, yeah, sounds great. You wanna join us?
Ben: Kate, you're here too.
Mike: What are you talking about? You know Chelsea.
Ben: Who's Chelsea?
Kate: Me.
Ben: No, you're Kate.
Mike: No, no, no. On TV, she's Kate, but in real life she's my girlfriend.
Ben: It's the same person!
Mike: Yeah. Don't you watch Entertainment Tonight?
Ben: Mike, if you're in there somewhere, please, you've got to help me. I said that life was
better on TV, and somehow I got stuck on this stupid TV show.
Mike: Hey, if you're unhappy with the TV show, maybe you should be talking with your agent.
Ben: I don't have an agent.
Kate: Well, you really shouldn't be surprised your parts gotten so small.
Ben: Hey, I just wanna get out of here!
Mike: Hey, not so loud. Remember what happened to Shelly Long? Oh, I've seen this happen
to so many kid actors.
Ben: I've got to go home.
Chauffeur: You got it kid.
Ben: You'll drive me.
Chauffeur: What do you think, they pay me to stand here and eat doughnuts?
Ben: Great! Alright! Yeah, I need to go to Long Island.
Chauffeur: I thought you wanted to go home.
Ben: That's where I live! Fifteen Robin Hood's Lane!
Chauffeur: You moved!
Ben: No I didn't move!
Chauffeur: Easy, easy, you're the boss. Kid actors!
Ben: Alright, this is my street!
Chauffeur: Here we are, Fifteen Robin Hood lane.
Ben: This can't be right.
Gas man: Afternoon! Fill her up?
Ben: Excuse me, is this fifteen Robin Hood Lane?
Gas man: You with the IRS?
Ben: No.
Gas man: Yes, it is.
Ben: Where's my house? I live at fifteen Robin Hood lane.
Gas man: Not unless you been sleeping on the lube racks.
Ben: What's happening to me? Where am I? Doesn't anybody know who I am?
Gas man: Hey, hold your horses, I do know you.
Ben: You do! Oh, thank God!
Gas man: Yeah, you're that kid on Meet the Seavers, Jeremy Muller. Hey can I have your
autograph for my little granddaughter? Her name's Bub. I've got some wet cement outside if
you'd like to take your shoes off.
