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I think for me the most painful part was realizing that the aspects of my personality that I was most ashamed of and had really tried to hide were in fact on full display for everybody.
对我来说最痛苦的地方是，我意识到我个性中最让我羞愧的，我非常想隐藏的东西别人其实看得清清楚楚。
And those included my two most prominent and problematic demons: anger and self-centeredness.
其中包括最突出，问题最大的两个恶魔：愤怒和以自我为中心。
Sorry.
不好意思。
I've never talked about this publicly before.
我第一次公开讲这件事。
Thank you.
谢谢。
I thought we weren't supposed to applaud authoritarians here at TED.
我以为TED的观众不会给独裁者鼓掌的。
Bottom line, meditation had helped, for sure, but I clearly retained the capacity to be a schmuck, and I am not alone in this.
至少有一点，冥想确实有帮助，但我这么说绝对不代表我是个傻子，我也不是唯一一个有这种感觉的人。
All kinds of bad behavior have been on the rise.
各种不良行为越来越屡见不鲜。
Reckless driving, unruly airline passengers, violent crime, online bullying, workplace incivility, tribal antagonism, even general self-centeredness.
鲁莽驾驶，坐飞机不守规矩，暴力犯罪，网络欺凌，职场不文明行为，族群对抗，甚至是普遍存在的以自我为中心。
At times, it can really feel like our social fabric is unraveling.
有时，社会结构好像真的正在瓦解。
So after my 360, I decided to do some work on myself and to see if I could also learn some things that, by extension, might help the species.
所以在360度评估之后，我决定改变自己，看看我是否也能学到一些东西，进而可能为所有人类提供帮助。
I pulled every lever at my disposal.
我尽我所能做了能做的事情。
I did psychotherapy, communications coaching, bias training, couples counseling and more.
我做过心理治疗、交流指导、偏见训练、夫妻咨询等等。
And while I was really grateful to be able to do all of this stuff and all of it helped, I was still finding myself too often getting selfish or snippy.
虽然我很感激自己能够做所有这些事情，而且它们都对我有所帮助，但我发现自己还是经常会自私或暴躁。
So I signed up for a nine-day silent retreat where I would practice a kind of meditation that has been shown to boost your capacity for warmth.
所以我报名参加了一个为期九天的静修，在那里我练习了一种冥想方式，这种冥想被证明可以让你的内心更加温暖。
It’s called "loving-kindness," which, as you might imagine, sounded to me like Valentine's Day with a gun to my head.
这就是所谓的“仁爱”，就像你想象的那样，听起来就像是情人节用枪指着我的脑袋。
But I was in it to win it.
但我势在必行。
I really wanted to be a nicer person.
我真的想成为一个更好的人。
I kept getting tripped up though, because the woman who was running the retreat, my teacher, her name is Spring Washam, she kept insisting that if I wanted to be less of a jerk to other people, I needed to start by being less of a jerk to myself, which I thought was the kind of thing you hear from Instagram influencers and spin instructors, so -- And she even went so far as to suggest that when I saw my demons emerging in meditation, I should put my hand on my heart and say to myself, "It's OK, sweetie.
虽然我一路磕磕绊绊，因为负责静修的女性，也就是我的老师斯普林·瓦沙姆，她一直坚持说，如果我不想对别人那么混蛋，就必须先对自己不那么混蛋，我觉得这是Ins网红和健身教练会说的话，所以——她甚至建议我在冥想过程中看到自己内心的恶魔时，把手放在自己的心脏处，对自己说，“没关系，亲爱的。
I'm here for you."
有我在。”
Hard pass.
不可能。
Pasadena.
帕萨迪纳。
I was not going to do that.
我不会那么做的。
But over the ensuing days of nonstop meditation, I did notice that my twin demons were in full effect.
但在接下来几天不间断的冥想中，我确实注意到我心中的两个恶魔在尽职尽责地发挥作用。
My anger had me rehearsing glorious, expletive-filled speeches I would deliver to my boss about the various promotions I deserved.
愤怒让我在脑中排演了精彩且脏话连篇的演讲，向老板要求我应得的晋升。
My self-centeredness had me writing my own five-star Amazon reviews for my various books, praising my elegant prose and rugged good looks.
自我中心让我在亚马逊为自己写的各种书留下五星好评，称赞我优雅的行文和豪放的文风。
And in the face of all of this roostering and rage, I layered on an avalanche of self-criticism.
这种自吹自擂和暴躁易怒让我开始疯狂输出自我批评。
I told myself a whole story about how I was an incurably self-obsessed, cranky monster who had cloven hooves and a retractable jaw.
我向自己展示了自己是一个多么自恋又脾气暴躁的怪物，长着偶蹄和可伸缩的下巴。
