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点评：
1 没有这个单词。
2 that引导同位语从句，写的不错的。
3 illness是疾病的统称，一般是不可数名词， 可以换成diseases。同时many这个词一般用于否定表示很多，建议换成a host of, a great many等等。
4 这一段是写信的优点，所以建议观点围绕letter开展。
修改：Finally, letters prove to be a healthier means of information interchange。
Obviously, the proliferation of mobile phones and computers pose a 1grave threat to people’s health, 2as a result of it,many people are more likely to writer letters instead of using mobile phones or E-mails。
问题：
1 拼写错误。
2as a result是副词，等同于therefore, 不能连接两个完整的句子。
3论证还是略显空洞。可以配搭实验法或例子。
修改：Statistics from a variety of scientific research have revealed that overexposure to radiation of mobile phones and computer may impair one’s skin and eyesight。
Moreover, a real-life example can be taken to prove the point. Qiulin, a very famous DJ in Shanghai told the public in the mid of 2009 that she was infected with brain tumors due to cell-phone radiation and recommended the public to avoid making phones when they are charging or before they are running out。
