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Jason: Mike! Mike! Mike! If you're in there, things'll go easier on you, if you come out now! But
not much! You know, I stupidly assumed that it would be impossible for you to get in trouble,
with your high school principle two years after you graduate! But, oh no! Somehow you
managed to pull it off. I know you're in her Mike. Mike, I'm gonna count to three, and if you're
not out I'm gonna...slit your water bed Mike!
Mylene: Hi, I'm looking for... Oh oh.
Jason: I'm looking for him too. And if I find him, you're not gonna want what's left.
Mylene: You're his father?
Jason: Oh yes.
Mylene: Wow! He wasn't kidding, you are nuts!
Jason: Huh? Oh. Ha ha, no. I was just gonna... I was gonna slice his water bed. No I wasn't
really...I was...err... Look, I wouldn't stick around to see Mike, if I was you.
Mylene: Who's Mike?
Jason: The guy you came to see.
Mylene: Oh, no. I'm here to see Ben, we have a date.
Jason: Ben? How old are you?
Mylene: Eighteen.
Jason: Eighteen!! Great, I got one kid who won't grow up and another who is growing up too
fast!
Ben: Since you're looking for Mike, me and Marlene will just get the heck out of your way.
Mylene: Cool.
Jason: Now, wait a second! I'm gonna get to you, right after I deal with Mike. Now where is
he?
Ben: I have no idea. Come on, let's go.
Jason: Hey, you're not going out with an eighteen year old girl; you're only th... You're just
not!
Mylene: You're only what?
Ben: Thirteen.
Mylene: Arrrgghh!!
Mike: Hey Dad, were you yelling for me? I couldn't hear you.
Jason: Mike, let me warn you! I'm ready to kill you! Now choose your next words very
carefully.
Mike: Hang on! There, go ahead.
Jason: OK, somebody better explain something to me now! Fine, there's two ways we can on
this; you can either make up some cock and bull story...I'll get the truth eventually Mike, and
you'll be severely punished!
Ben: Or?
Jason: Or, you can tell me the exact truth, as it happened, and I'll punish you severely!!
Mike: Dad, I'm not seeing the upside of going with the truth here...and yet when I think about
it for a moment, it all seems so damn clear! Ah, Ok, last week, I was up in my room, studying
as usual, and I'm not sure exactly what time it was because I was so into it...
Jason: The truth!
Mike: OK, I was sleeping...
(We go back in time)
Mike: ...and I heard the little hedgehog out on the driveway.
Louis: Dude!
Ben: Louis, keep it down!
Louis: You got the stuff, Ben?
Ben: Yeah, but, Louis, I don't know if this is right.
Louis: Dude, I got the cash, come on and help me!
Ben: Well, OK.
Louis: Dude!
Ben: That's not the way it was at all, Dad.
Louis: Benjamin.
Ben: Louis, what a pleasant surprise.
Louis: I hate to impose, but I heard that when one is having academic difficulties at Dewey
High School, you're the man to see.
Ben: Certainly. Just as soon as I've finished taking out the trash...which I always do, even
when I haven't been asked.
Louis: What a guy.
(present time)
m OK, Dad, who are you gonna believe; me or the trash man?
Ben: Hey dude.
Jason: Go ahead, Mike.
Mike: OK.
(back to the story)
Louis: So come on and help me, man!
Ben: Errm...OK.
Louis: Dude!
Mike: What the heck was Ben doing? And what the heck was Louis doing still in high school?
Ben, what the heck is going on around here?
Ben: Not now. Carol, Phone for you!!
Carol: I'll be right down.
Mike: Ben, either you tell me what's going on right now...
Ben: Alright! Now, Mike, the front stairs. But be quiet!
Mike: Ben, what the heck is...
Ben: Shh.
Carol: Fine, don't say a word... Just sit there, not making a sound, pervert! If that jerk calls
for me again, tell him I'm not home.
Mike: OK Ben, I got it. Now, you've got Carol's term papers stuffed in your pants... Now talk
to me.
Ben: Well...
Maggie: Well, "dude" to you too young man.
Louis: Dude? Dude!!
(present time)
Jason: You sold Carol's term papers with no help from Mike whatsoever!
Mike: Excuse me Dad. While you ream the lad, I'm going to floss.
Ben: Well Dad, I didn't plan to sell 'em. See, Stinky's brother, Funky, he needed help in
English...and he said it would only be this one time...and that he'd keep it quiet. So, I gave
him one. One! One! How did I know, Funky had a big mouth?
Jason: His name is Funky?
Ben: Yeah and the...and the one to Louis, well that was the first one I ever sold...and it would
have stopped there if it wasn't for Mike.
Jason: Mike!
Mike: I'm flossing. I can't talk.
Ben: Well, I can. Somebody said, I was missing a golden opportunity; somebody said I should
ride this comet.
Mike: Dad, again, who are you gonna believe? Me or Carl Sagin, here.
Jason: Go ahead, Carl.
(Ben's story, back in time)
Ben: Well, Mike suspected the real market for Carol's papers was at Dewey High. Well, they
did so well the first time...
Pupils: (screaming for papers)
Ben: OK, don't everybody, I'll be back lunch time tomorrow. And remember these are to be
used only as study guides.
Mylene: You're new here, aren't you?
Ben: Well...it is my first day here.
Mylene: That's what I figured. I know all the cute guys at Dewey.
Ben: Cute guys!! To tell you the truth I'm...
Mylene: Mylene, eight five one six Winston Avenue, both my parents work.
Ben: Ben. What kind of work do they do?
Mylene: You know, I've always been attracted by dangerous guys.
Ben: Dangerous guys?
Mylene: Well yeah, someone selling term papers right here in the hallway...you were so cool. I
figure, what are they gonna do? kick me out of this school?
Mylene: So, are you free tonight?
Ben: Ah, free, tonight, why?
