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Ben: Can you believe it? I bagged an A-minus on the test. How'd you do?
Luke: No big deal.
Ben: A-plus?
Luke: Made some lucky guesses.
Ben: In algebra?
Luke: It's not like math is an exact science.
Luke: Okay, I'll get a B next time.
Ben: That's Sasha Soroski. Today's the day Sasha's going to ask me to the Sadie Hawkins dance.
Luke: How do you know?
Ben: Well, it's the payoff of my master plan of conquest.
Luke: Your what?
Ben: Phase one; I ignored her. Phase two; sat across from her in the lunchroom, never made eye contact. Phase three; pulled some strings to get into her English class. Sat behind her the whole year; never talked to her once.
Luke: You've been doing this all semester?
Ben: Don't be silly. Since sixth grade. And it's definitely worth it, because now I've become that unattainable, desirable, man of mystery.
Luke: Okay…
Ben: She wants me so bad!
Luke: What!
Ben: What, are you blind? She practically undressed me with her eyes.
Luke: That little tease.
Ben: It's time to put that poor, love-starved girl out of her misery.
Cheryl: Hi, Ben.
Ben: Hi, Cheryl.
Luke: Hey, what's going on?
Cheryl: What a coincidence running into you.
Ben: This is the eighteenth coincidence today.
Cheryl: Somehow I seem to have memorized your schedule.
Luke: You did?
Ben: Look, uh, Cheryl, can we talk later? I'm kinda busy.
Cheryl: Too busy for our history presentation?
Ben: Our history presentation?
Cheryl: We signed up as partners in class last week.
Ben: I don't remember that.
Cheryl: You were sleeping; I held up your hand. So, when do you want to get together to work on it? After school?
Ben: Not really.
Cheryl: Tonight?
Ben: We'll discuss it.
Cheryl: Later tonight?
Ben: Look, uh, Cheryl, Luke and I have got some man things to talk about. You know, spitting…scratching.
Ben: What?
Cheryl: I also wanted to know….would you go to the Sadie Hawkins dance with me on Saturday night?
Ben: Uh, gee, I'd like to, but my mom's come on.
Cheryl: Is that Maybe?
Ben: No, I don't know. I think that's the night my mom's having her surgery.
Cheryl and Luke: Really?
Cheryl: What's wrong with her?
Ben: Um, nothing serious; she's, uh, donating a kidney.
Cheryl: Oh, my gosh. To who?
Ben: Oh, whoever pops up.
Cheryl: Wow! She's really generous. Now I can see why you're so sweet. Okay, then, we'll see.
Ben: Yeah, right.
Cheryl: Bye!
Ben: Anyway, Sasha awaits. (blows in palm) Won't kill her.
Ben: All right, I've let you dangle long enough. Your hunk-a-hunk-a-burning love is here.
Chrissy: Is Mike home yet? I got my first homework assignment today.
Jason: Oh-ho, I'm not so sure Mike's the one you want to ask for help.
Chrissy: Sure he is; he can tell me how to get out of it.
Jason: Why do you want to get out of it?
Chrissy: Dad, we're not talking "bring in a leaf from the backyard." This is big time; I have to tell my class what your jobs are.
Maggie: Well, honey, that sounds like fun. And we'll both help you.
Chrissy: So I'm stuck doing it?
Carol: Guess who got an A on her first lab assignment from Felix "I flunked my mother" Fitzsimmons.
Maggie: Chrissy, if you want help, there's the person to go to.
Carol: Help with what?
Maggie: Chrissy just got her first homework assignment.
Carol: Huh! That's wonderful! I remember mine. We had to describe our favorite time of year. I chose winter.
Jason: Oh right, then we had to have two parent-teacher conferences over that one.
Carol: I still can't believe that I was the only five-year-old to see "Frosty the Snowman" as a metaphor for death.
Chrissy: I'll wait for Mike.
Ben: Dill chips, peanut butter, and mayonnaise?
Mike: Hey, guys.
Luke: Hey, Mike, you want one of my miracle sandwiches?
Mike: What's the miracle?
Ben: If you can swallow it without hurling.
Mike: Thanks, anyway, but Kate's making a macrobiotic dinner for me tonight. I've got to be totally starved to choke it down. Hey, guys, there's a girl walking up the walk there. She's kind of cute; she's about your age. Must be lost.
Ben: Oh, no, it's Cheryl Murray. We were supposed to work on that stupid assignment. What a pest! Look, make an excuse for me.
Mike: Ben, there is no excuse for you.
Luke: What about your history project?
Ben: I'm not doing homework when I can be out living the wild life. I'm going bowling with Stinky.
Luke: Doesn't get any better than that.
Mike: Hi, you must be Cheryl. Come on in. Uh, Ben had to run out, uh, he, he said that Luke would explain.
Luke: Uh, hi. Ben had to go to Stinky's. It was an emergency.
Cheryl: Oh, gee, anything serious?
Luke: Nah, emergencies happen a lot to guys named Stinky.
Cheryl: You don't have to cover for him. It's me, isn't it? He thinks I'm a dork.
Luke: Oh, no he doesn't.
Cheryl: Really?
Luke: He doesn't even think.
Cheryl: Well, I guess I'll work on my presentation alone.
Luke: Well, what's it on?
Cheryl: The 500th anniversary of Columbus' voyage.
Luke: Thanks for reminding me, you know, I still have to get him a gift.
Cheryl: Huh?
Luke: Yeah, what does a 500-year-old explorer need?
Cheryl: Mouth-to-mouth?
Luke: Imagine how famous he'd be if he were alive today. Cover of People Magazine. Doing lunch at the White House. Guest shots on Hollywood Squares. "I'll take Christopher Columbus to block."
Cheryl: He'd probably be selling his own line of perfume; Chris Columbus' Discovery: A New World Odor.
Luke: Today on Oprah: Men who exploit the New World, and the women who love them.
Cheryl: And of course he'd be on Arsenio.
Luke: That's how you should do your project.
Cheryl: Yeah, like a talk show.
Luke: Ladies and gentlemen, he proved the world is bigger and rounder than the Pillsbury Doughboy's butt. Give it up for my man, Christopher Columbus!
Cheryl and Luke: Woo-hoo-hoo!
Luke: Chris, two words. New. World. How did you do it?
Cheryl: Dedication, perseverance, and regular floggings.
Luke: I hear you. Okay; you're an explorer, you're a sailor, you're a navigator. What next?
Cheryl: I want to direct.
Luke: We gotta take a break; we'll be right back.
Cheryl and Luke: Woo-hoo-hoo!
Chrissy: So Ben says people come into your office, and they lay down on the couch.
Jason: Some people do, yes.
Chrissy: Do you make them take a nap?
Jason: No, no, no, they don't sleep. The couch just helps them relax.
Chrissy: Is this before or after you shrink their heads?
Jason: No, that's a figure of speech. I just talk to them.
Chrissy: About what?
Jason: Well, whatever they want to talk about. Whatever they need to talk about. A lady came in to see me yesterday because she was really upset with her husband.
Chrissy: Like mommy?
Jason: No, no, this lady is upset all the time.
Chrissy: Oh, like Carol.
Jason: No, no, let's see, um, people think they know the reasons they do things. But inside of every person there's sort of a second person in there, and that's the real reason we do things. They leaves 2 people, We'll always fight each other, try to control a third person.
Jason: This would be easier if you understood the id, ego, and superego.
Cheryl: This would be easier if you were a fireman.
Mike: Oh, man, I am starved. I need something with meat or sugar or fat in it.
Luke: I thought you ate at Kate's.
Mike: Oh, well, we had, let's see; hay, stucco patties, and for dessert we split a Chia pet.
Luke: Well how about I make you a sandwich with no ingredients that occur in nature?
Mike: Oh, all right, now that's food!
Luke: Mike, I need your advice about dating. And Ben.
Mike: Well, that's easy enough; he's not your type.
Luke: I'm talking about Cheryl.
Mike: Oh, was that the girl who was here earlier?
Luke: Yeah. Anyway, she likes Ben.
Mike: Oh, so she's insane.
Luke: Maybe, but I like her. And I think she likes me. I mean, ever since she left, she's all I can think about. And Ben; well, I get the impression he'd like her to disappear.
Mike: Yeah? What makes you think that?
Luke: Well, he said "I wish she'd disappear."
Mike: Great! Then what's the problem?
Luke: I don't know the rules about dating. Is it all right for me to see Cheryl again?
Mike: Yeah, it sounds great to me. I mean, you get her, she gets you, and Ben gets Stinky.
Ben: Hey, nice sweater. I got one just like it, only I never wear it. It makes me look like a dork.
Luke: Actually, this is your sweater. I mean, I didn't think you'd mind. Everybody says it makes you look like a dork.
Ben: Hey, there she is. So, how's this sound? Uh, so Sasha, you doing anything special Saturday night between eight and midnight? What do you think?
Luke: Nice balance between subtlety and begging.
Ben: Oh, no, not now. It's Cheryl. At least I think it's Cheryl. She looks so girl-like. Look, do me a favor. Keep her busy so she doesn't blow my chances with Sasha.
Luke: I gotta go to class…
Cheryl: Hi Ben, Hi Luke.
Ben: Ah, uh, Cheryl, um, I gotta run. Luke was just asking me about my schedule. Maybe you could fill him in?
Ben: Hi, Sasha. And speaking of the Sadie Hawkins dance…
Sasha: Me and you? What, are you joking? Not in a million years! Don't ever speak to me again.
Ben: Hey, I already have a date for the dance, so quit throwing yourself at me. It's over, baby!
Ben: So, Cheryl, I've got some good news.
Cheryl: Have you found someone for your mom's kidney?
Ben: No, uh, actually nobody needed it, so they put it back.
Cheryl: Uh-huh.
Ben: So, uh, now I can go to the dance with you.
Cheryl: Gee, Ben, I'm sorry, but since you didn't give me an answer, I'm going with Luke.
Maggie: Okay, c'mon Chrissy, the best way to learn about my job is to help me do it. Now, I'm writing an article for the newspaper.
Chrissy: About murders and stuff?
Maggie: No, but it's very important.
Chrissy: About what?
Maggie: Boxer shorts.
Chrissy: No, really. (laughing)
Maggie: Honey, a consumer reporter tests different products to tell people which ones they should buy. Today it's men's boxer shorts. "Happy Man" boxer shorts. "If what's inside your shorts really matters, only Happy Man shorts will do." Uh, okay, let's test the waistband.
Chrissy: Ouch!
Maggie: Well, the elastic has to be strong. Who wants their shorts around their ankles?
Chrissy: Not me!
Maggie: They also claim to be specially treated to resist stains. Well, we shall see.
Chrissy: This is a lot more fun than daddy's job.
Maggie: Okay, we'll finish up later. Let's get dinner out of the oven.
Chrissy: Okay
Ben: Where's Luke?
Maggie: Well, I think he's…
Ben: (yelling) Luke!
Maggie: …upstairs.
Ben: (yelling) Luke!
Luke: Good pipes! Every Luke within five miles is on his way over.
Ben: I can't believe you humiliated me in front of the entire school.
Luke: What?
Ben: You knew Cheryl Murray was my territory.
Luke: Your territory? You treat her like dog dirt.
Ben: We've got a special relationship. And it's none of your business.
Luke: Oh, yeah? Well, I'm making it my business. I'm the guy who's taking her to the Sadie Hawkins dance.
Ben: Yeah? Over my dead body!
Luke: Oh that can be arranged.
Ben: Yeah?
Luke: Yeah!
Maggie: Anybody ready for some dinner?
Ben: Yum-yum.
Luke: Mm-boy.
Ben: This is my chair.
Luke: No, it's not.
Ben: Yes, it is. I always sit here; the one furthest from Carol.
Jason: C'mon Ben, you sit next to your sister.
Ben: Thanks a lot.
Carol: Thanks a lot.
Maggie: Okay, tonight by special request; chicken and mushrooms.
