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Jason: I hate psychiatric conventions, Maggie. Bad food, boring speeches, three days of hell. Come with me; we'll have a blast.
Maggie: As madcap as you make it sound, I can't.
Jason: Mmmmm…
Maggie: Oh, honey, you're just upset because the program committee didn't ask you to speak this year.
Jason: Upset? Maggie, please. If they want to load up their convention with trendy doctors who plug their vacuous books on Donahue, up theirs!
Maggie: That's the spirit.
Maggie: (kissing) Have a good trip.
Jason: Yeah, yeah.
Maggie: Bye.
Jason: Bye.
Maggie: Morning!
Eddie: Morning.
Maggie: Eddie!
Eddie: Why, Mrs. S… may I say you are looking lovelier than ever.
Maggie: Eddie, what are you doing here?
Eddie: I tried breaking into Mike's apartment, but he wasn't home.
Maggie: Oh, so you broke into our kitchen instead?
Eddie: Well, you changed the locks since last time I was here. What could I do? So, where is Mike?
Maggie: Oh, He and Luke are out.
Eddie: Oh, Mike finally got himself a dog, huh?
Maggie: No. Luke's a foster child.
Eddie: Even better. They come house-broken.
Maggie: Well, they should be back shortly. They went to the grocery store.
Ben: All right, lights, action…(screaming)
Eddie: Yeah, it's nice to see you, too, geek breath. What's with the camera?
Maggie: Carol's studying in London, and I thought it might be nice if she got a video from us.
Eddie: Hey, I'm willing to send my salivations.
Ben: If she sees you, she'll never want to come back….Okay, we're rolling.
Eddie: Hey, hey, that's Mike. Uh, I want to surprise him.
Mike and Luke: (screaming)
Mike: Hey! Eddie! You're back!
Eddie: Yeah, and I'm gonna be staying here for a few days.
Eddie and Mike: Hey!
Ben: (screaming)
[Theme music]
Eddie: All right, Jeff comes dribbling in, goes for three, goes for three, oh no he gets his own rebound, he fakes, he shoots, he scores, woooo! We're going into overtime!
Mike: Oh, no, no, no. Eddie, you win.
Eddie: Well, come on, Mike, I'm hot, man!
Mike: Forget it! I can't stand you hanging on the rim.
Eddie: Mike, how's that crazy thing I call life?
Mike: Well, it's that crazy thing I call okay.
Eddie: Last time I saw you, you were dating this uptight brunette ice princess.
Mike: Kate and I are practically engaged.
Eddie: Well, you didn't let me finish. Qualities I would want in a woman.
Mike: Right. Well, uh, tell me Eddie, how's your job?
Eddie: Oh, Mike, I have just spent the best eight months of my life as a cabin boy for Oceanic Cruises.
Mike: Yeah? Like a Love Boat?
Eddie: No, man, better! Like a Sleaze Boat! With a poop deck full of good-looking, mature women. Mikey, widows are so grateful.
Mike: Same old Eddie.
Eddie: Yeah, hey, I got a great idea. What do you say we head down to Miami? Ships are already hiring towel boys for the spring season.
Mike: Well, Eddie, Come on, I can't just pick up and leave like that. I've got responsibilities.
Eddie: You want to talk responsibilities? Ten glistening babes in a sweat room; no towels. That's a pressure cooker, pal.
Mike: Eddie, I'm teaching at the community center where my dad works.
Eddie: You?
Mike: Yeah.
Eddie: You're the anti-teacher! You retired a whole math department at Dewey High. Mr. Colberson still has no sense of smell, Mike.
Mike: Really?
Eddie: Yeah.
Mike: Well, my high school years weren't a total waste, right?
Luke: Hey, hey, guys. What's going on?
Mike: Oh, uh, we're just reliving some old times.
Eddie: Oh, Lukie-boy, you are lucky to be living with the master. Hey, did Mike ever tell you about the time that he actually joined the girl's swim team?
Luke: No, his master-ness forgot to mention it.
Mike: Well, I was only an honorary member; I refused to shave my thighs.
Eddie: Oh, this guy is too modest. Tell Luke about the time you tied a bunch of weather balloons to Mr. Dewitt's Volkswagen.
Luke: What happened?
Eddie: Let's just say that's how we found out Mr. Dewitt gets airsick.
Luke: That's great!
Mike: Yeah, it was wacky, it was wild….It was…wrong, Luke.
Eddie: You know, speaking of wacky, it's 30 degrees outside. Drop your pants.
Luke: Huh?
Mike: Well, Eddie and I used to play basketball outside during the winter.
Eddie: Yeah, in just our underwear until one of us cried uncle.
Mike: Yeah, or just cried.
Luke: Come on, tell me more about these wild adventures.
Mike: Nah, nah, it's really kind of boring.
Eddie: Boring? Does the drill team, 50 gallons of peanut butter, and a couple of sponge cakes sound boring?
Eddie: Oh, Mrs. S, what is the secret to your hearty, aromatic brew?
Maggie: I boil the water.
Eddie: Wow! You go through such trouble to make me feel comfortable here.
Ben: Don't get too comfortable; the silverware is counted.
Eddie: Thanks for the info, twerp.
Ben: Leprechaun.
Maggie: Okay, Ben, are you ready?
Ben: Okay, we're rolling.
Maggie: Hi, Carol. Ben was nice enough to tape me doing my daily chores, so honey you just pretend you're here doing the laundry with me.
Ben: Cut! You're doing a good mom thing here. I'm really buying it, but maybe you could liven it up a little bit. You know, let's say you drop a pair of dad's shorts, and then as you get up, you slip on Chrissy's skate, and then, um, I don't know, you spill boiling hot coffee on, beats me, Eddie.
Eddie: You know with Dr. Seaver away, I'd be more than happy to knock the lad around for you.
Maggie: Ben, after I put these clothes away, we're going to do this tape, and it's going to make Carol smile, or we're not going to do it. Understand?
Eddie: You listen to your beautiful mother, Benjamin.
Luke: You were right, Eddie. The skating rink's a great place to meet girls.
Eddie: What did I tell you, dude, babe-ca-pades.
Luke: I just loved the way you handled that security guard. "Sorry, officer, I didn't mean to grab her, but she was the only thing between me and an ugly ice-burn."
Mike: Eddie, don't you think you're a little old to be groping strange women?
Eddie: Oh, man, when the day comes I'm too old for that, you can just shoot me.
Luke: Come on, Mike, you feeling okay?
Mike: Yeah, I'm fine. I just didn't feel like skating into the ladies room.
Eddie: Mike, how many fingers am I holding up here?
Ben: Hey, guys. I need you to say something nice to Carol. Hey, it was mom's idea.
Eddie: Hey, hey, what do you guys say we moon her? C'mon, guys, it's manly fun.
Ben: Yeah? Well, we're one man short. And I do mean "short."
Eddie: What did he mean by that?
Mike: Nothing, Eddie. Come on, relax.
Eddie: All right. So, who's up for going to the grocery store tonight?
Luke: We just went yesterday.
Eddie: Yeah, that's cute. I am talking about the hottest new dance club in town. Charese, one of the ladies from the ship, told me about it.
Mike: The Grocery Store?
Eddie: Oh, yeah. Mike, they've got everything you need for a balanced diet. There's blonds for protein, they've got brunettes for carbohydrates, redheads for roughage…
Mike: Uh, no thanks. Nah, forget it, guys, I'm beat.
Eddie: No, no! You can't miss this. Mike, you need to know a password to get in.
Luke: Hey, I'll come with you Eddie. Help you squeeze the produce.
Eddie: Well, hello, fellow shopper.
Mike: No, no, no, no, no. Eddie, you forgot, Luke is underage.
Eddie: Well, he's older than we were when we started sneaking into places. We'll just have to dip into the secret stash of fake ID's here.
Mike: Eddie! Eddie!
Eddie: Behold the work of the master.
Luke: Whoa! You used these? Hey! Johnny Weis, James Marshall, Charlene Woo? C'mon, Mike, how come you never showed me these before?
Mike: Well, because I don't do that stuff anymore.
Luke: Hey, hey! This one looks just like me; blond, 5 foot 8. All I have to do is grow a moustache by tonight.
Eddie: Oh, Mike, I'm telling you man. This Grocery Store is something else. We've just gotta get there kinda quick before the vice squad shuts them down.
Mike: Eddie, listen to me. Come on. Luke has got homework, and I don't feel like going to some place tonight where I could get maced and handcuffed to some squad car.
