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Abe: Hey, the seniors guys day out was one great idea.
Ben: Yeah, it was four guys, out on the town.
Mike: Eating anything we want…
Jason: Walking past discount jewelers without missing a beat…
Ben: Hey, you guys remember last month, when mom and Carol came to that Bulls game?
Mike: Oh yeah, remember what she said? It's just not fair because some of the guys were so much taller than the others.
Jason: Guys…
Ben and Mike: What?
Jason: Something is wrong; our train is leaving on time.
Barney: Any of you fellas care to chase your luck? A dollar will get you two.
Jason: No thank you…
Barney: Hey all you got to do is find the queen.
Abe: Barney?
Barney: Abe!!! Hey man, I have been worried sick about you…Where have you been?
Abe: Oh I'm fine, I've been living with the family in the suburbs.
Barney: Oh that's great…Have they found out yet?
Jason: Excuse me, I'm Jason Seaver.
Barney: Oh, Barney Papadakis…Boy you clean up good. You're gone!!
Abe: You look good too Barney'
Barney: Yeah well, it's this new exercise program. Every time I see a transit cop I run a quarter of a mile. Speaking of which…Mr. Anderson…love the outfit! Blue is your color.
Mr. Anderson: You wouldn't be running any illegal gambling here now would you?
Barney: No, you see actually I was playing 52 card pick up.
Mr. Anderson: With three cards?
Barney: I'm not very good.
Mr. Anderson: Beat it Barney…
Barney: Gotcha...Well so long fellows. I got enough quarters to go to the bus station to walk the whole mily dud. Nice seeing ya Abe.
Abe: See ya Barney.
Jason: So, you know this guy hm?
Abe: Everybody on this street knows Barney. If you need a place to sleep and some food, Barney is the guy to see.
Jason: and if he's good, I guess he can do all right running a cards scam.
Abe: It's not a scam. Barney is New York's only 3 card Monty player. He's got faster hands than warren batty.
Ben: Why does he call you Abe?
Abe: Well, it's because my birthday's the same as Lincoln's.
Mike: Your birthday is December 25th?
Jason: February 12th.
Abe: Right.
Mike: Wait a minute. your birthday is next week? And you didn't tell us about it?
Ben: What are you nuts? How do you expect to get any good presents?
Abe: Hey I don't need any presents.
Ben: Oh Luke…. He's Just kidding now…Actually he wants a leather jacket in my size.
Abe: How many times do I have to tell you? I don't want you guys throwing me a party.
Mike: Luke I'm just talking about some potato chips and a balloon or two…
Chrissy: I have a great idea!!
Mike: What?
Chrissy: Go to Chucky cheese.
Ben: Yeah right. Luke really wants to spend his 16th birthday throwing pepperoni at six foot mechanical mice.
Chrissy: Now that's a party!
Ben: The secret to a great party is who isn't there when you have it.
Abe: Hu?
Ben: You know, a more private gathering.
Abe: You mean just you and me?
Maggie: What Ben is trying to say is that you should wait until Jason and I are out and have a wild party here in the house.
Ben: Or we could do that…
Jason: Forget it.
Ben: Hey it was mom's idea.
Abe: Ok,ok,ok, I give up. You can throw me a party.
Mike: All right!!!
Abe: But please, don't make it a big deal, all right?
Mike: How can we? Mom and dad insist on being there.
Ben: Look, the party is going to be a dud. But we can still make out like a bandit on the gifts.
Abe: But I don't want any gifts.
Ben: would you quit thinking of yourself?
Maggie: Ok Chrissy, time for…..Chrissy…..were you playing in my jewelry box again after I told you not to?
Chrissy: Why would you think that?
Maggie: Because Mr. Blowhole is wearing my good pearl earrings.
Chrissy: Bad whale!! Bad whale!!!
Mike: You know guys, I'm going to make this the best birthday party ever. I've got an idea. This idea is so great, it even scares me.
Jason: Last time he said that, I lost my eyebrows.
Maggie: Hi Dwight.
Dwight: Here's the keys to the wagon.
Maggie: Did carol's plane get off safely?
Dwight: Unfortunately yes. Don't get me wrong…I'm glad she's alive and all but what the heck am I going to do for a month while she's away doing research at the British museum?
Jason: Oh don't take it so hard Dwight, she's going to be back before you know it. Which reminds me, her plane left 6 hours ago…Where have you been?
Dwight: Well I stood there and I watched the vapor trail from her plane evaporate.
Maggie: For 6 hour?
Dwight: No, for five minutes. And then I did what any red blooded American man would do.
Jason: Dwight have you been drinking?
Dwight: Well, I'd be a liar if I didn't confess. I went down and I knocked back a few yuhus at the bleaker's street cinema.
Maggie: You went to the movies?
Dwight: And I saw the avant-garde film festival winner, death of an avocado.
Jason: Let me just guess here, but the ending had something to do with guacamole?
Dwight: We see this blue lawn chair. Then this old man comes, and he sits down on it and he plays the xylophone, and then he dies.
Maggie: That's it?
Dwight: It's a statement about mans tautological search for metaphysical comfort.
Maggie: Where's the avocado?
Dwight: There is no avocado. Well, that would be a little bit obvious don't you think?
Maggie: My little pony? Is this the banner Luke wanted us to get?
Chrissy: It's Luke's favorite.
Maggie: Are you sure?
Chrissy: It's someone's favorite.
Jason: Hey…you know I don't know why more people don't shop down at Morts party warehouse. They have some great deals down there…Look at this.
Maggie: What's that supposed to be?
Jason: It's pin the tail on the hamster. I got it for free with the purchase of 20 party hats.
Maggie: Jason, this is Greek. Does it say happy birthday?
Jason: Well the salesman wasn't sure. It's either that or Dukakis in 88.
Maggie: Oh honey I'm sorry to insinuate that you were cheap.
Jason: All right apology accepted. No where's Ben? He was supposed to help me find last years candles.
Maggie: Oh he and Dwight went to get more ice cream.
Jason: Dwight 's here again?
Maggie: Well honey he misses Carol and he's lonely.
Jason: Yeah but it seems the last couple of days every time I turn around I there's Dwight.
Maggie: Jason, you are exaggerating.
Jason: Last night he was reading the newspaper over my shoulder, in the bathroom.
Maggie: Leave him alone…besides he and Ben are really starting to get along.
Dwight: So you see the lawn chair symbolizes the anthropological conundrum that is this very existence.
Ben: That's great Dwight. I never thought I'd hear my self say these words, but get Carol back now.
Dwight: Dr. Seaver I got lickerish pineapple crunch ice cream if that's not too much of a cliché.
Jason: Well maybe we can find something exotic to put on top.
Dwight: Oh, I'm way ahead of you. Creamed corn!!!
Mike: Luke get down here. Everybody else, come here, quick.
Dwight: Whoa, you got cream corn, you got a party.
Mike: Luke, you ready for your birthday present?
Chrissy: Mommy, daddy, Barney showed me how to do a card trick.
Maggie: Oh great, sweetie…let's see.
Chrissy: Find the queen, where's she hiding? feeling lucky today, buddy?
Barney: Come on kid, maybe we should talk to them a little later…
Abe: No come on Barney, show them how you do it.
Barney: Nooo…
Chrissy: He's a lot better than I am.
Maggie, Jason: Oh come on Barney let's see…
Barney: Well, ok. Find the queen, where's she hiding? Tower eleven, Buckingham palace, motel 6?
Ben: No offense Barney but you got to get up pretty early in the morning to fool Ben Seav…..How did you do that?
Barney: Well, ill tell ya…this is a lot better than your last birthday uh Abe?
Maggie: Why what happened?
Abe: Oh, Barney and some of the guys snuck me into the zoo after-hours. Boy, did we eat well that night!
Jason: What did you eat?
Abe: Hot dogs. The dumpster was full of them. No matter what, you always helped us out. He can always get us a place to sleep and some food.
Barney: It's a gift.
Jason: It sounds like Luke was pretty lucky to have you looking out for him.
Barney: Yeah, well…you are gonna have to excuse me; I have to answer natures call.
Mom: Oh, Barney, why don't you go upstairs, second door on the right.
Barney: Force of habit.
Mike: So everybody, what do you say we play some games?
Everybody: Yeah all right.
Dwight: Oh I have a great one.
Ben: What? Spin the duffus?
Dwight: Maybe later. This is called semantics. Someone names a word, and then we all try to give it subtle shades of meaning.
Jason: Stay back ladies. Carol saw him first. That' sounds like the kind of game that usually ends a party.
Dwight: I've noticed that.
Jason: Maybe we can build up to that, but now how about a rousing game of pin the tail on the hamster.
Maggie: Where's the camera? I want to get a picture of this.
Jason: Upstairs, our closet.
Abe: Oh I'll get it.
Dwight: Uhm, I just have one question about this hamster thing. How do we hold the little guy down?
Abe: What were you doing?
Barney: Uh, just seeing how the other half lives. You know this statue thing pulls this whole room together?
Abe: What were you doing in Mrs. Seaver's jewelry box? Barney we're you going to take something?
Barney: Abe, how could you say something like that? I was on my way to the bathroom and the door was opened. I know I shouldn't have come in here but….I saw the jewelry box on the dresser. I used to look through my moms all the time. Hers had this little dancing ballerina in it. And I just wanted to see if this one had one too.
Abe: Barney I'm sorry. Yeah, you know I shouldn't have jumped to a conclusion like that. Hey, you forgive me?
Barney: Yeah sure…come on let's go back down stairs. By the way, what's with the Dukakis hats?
