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"A blue beyond blue like..."
“蓝得清澈 就像...”
Like nothing but blue.
蓝色就行了 不用比喻
"A blue he could swim into forever and never miss..."Mmm, cut this.
“是一种让他愿意永远沉溺其中的蓝...”嗯 这句话删掉
Then pick up with...Had there ever been such blue? Had there ever been such eyes?
后面接...人世间有此等动人的蓝吗? 有此等迷人的眼吗?
Don't need the rhetorical. Why?It's not a lightning bolt. It's a digression.
这里不需要用反问 为什么?因为这样偏题了 它不是在描述恋爱的感觉
"A blue beyond..." No!Her eyes were blue.Better.
“蓝得...” 不!她的眼睛是清澈的蓝 好多了
And cut.He was worthless. She was everything.
这里也删掉 他一无是处 但是她就是他的全部
She was a girl across a room. That's enough.
她就是一个从他眼前经过的女孩 这样就行了
And so, cut "the lost, wandering souls..." Cut.
所以“所有迷失 彷徨的灵魂...”这一句都不要了 删掉
"So quickly did he fall for her...that no one in the room even heard the sound..."
“这一切发生得太快 快得连他周围的人 一点声响都没听见”
"the whoosh as he fell, the clatter..."
“爱神之箭离弦的声音 他心碎的声音...”
The whoosh, the clatter. Is that the point?
嗖嗖声 哗啦声 这些东西有意义吗?
Well, what did you hear when you fell in love?
那你恋爱的时候会听见什么?
What did you hear? Clattering?
听见什么? 哗啦声?
The point is it was all happening inside him.His life changed.No one else in the room noticed anything.
我想表达的重点 是他的心理活动 他的人生在那一刻发生了改变 但是他周围的人都没注意到
Then make that the point.
那就这么写啊
I hate to see the words go!
我讨厌删减内容!
Maybe the larger question is this.
也许我们可以换个角度看这个问题
In a book crowded with great rolling mountains of prose... how is this moment profoundly different?
在一本满是华丽辞藻的书中 如何才能使你描写的这段场景 在所有内容之中凸显出来?
Because it's simple. Unadorned.
让它变得简单 不加修饰
Like lightning.Standing out in the black sky by its starkness.
就像闪电一样 在黑夜之中一闪而过 干脆且令人印象深刻
Exactly.God damn!
完全正确 天啊
