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Max, I've thought a lot about it,
麦克斯，我想了很多，
and I can't sit there while that woman waves my father's penis in Piers Morgan's face.
我不能让那女人就这么在主持人面前谈我爸的鸡鸡。
You're lucky it's not Anderson Cooper, 'cause he'd be giggling up a storm.
你该庆幸这主持人不是安德森·库珀，因为他肯定会笑得花枝乱颤。
I have a plan. My goal on this show is gonna be to discredit that woman
我有个计划。我上节目就是要证明那女人的话是假的，
and tell people, even though my father did a bad thing, he did some wonderful things as well.
而且要告诉大众，虽然我爸爸做过坏事，但其实他也做过很多好事。
Look, here he is working with UNICEF. Here he is rebuilding haiti.
这是他在联合国儿童基金会帮忙。这是他帮忙海地灾民重建家园。
Oh, this is just a cute picture of him water-skiing at a charity event on Lake Tahoe.
这张只是一张他玩划水的帅照，是在太浩湖的慈善活动上呢。
What's the charity? White men without golf clubs?
给没钱买高尔夫球杆的白人募款吗？
So that's my plan, and hopefully, going on that show will put an end to all these ridiculous rumors about my father.
反正我是那么计划的啦，希望上完节目后，能让坊间关于我爸的谣言停止。
Hey, Caroline. Yeah. The word on the street is your dad's got a weenis.
卡洛琳。耶。外面都在传你爸有只"小小鸟"。
Sophie, how did you hear about that?
苏菲，你上哪听来的？
Oleg told me.
奥列格告诉我的。
It came up on my Google penis alerts. I like to keep current, see what the trends are.
消息出现在我的谷歌鸡鸡搜索警报。我喜欢在时事尖端，跟随流行"鸡"态。
You don't want to be that middle-aged guy wearing the same penis you had in high school.
你也不会想当一个长着别人多年前就有的同款鸡鸡的中年男子吧。
Great, now, it's all over the internet. And my shoulders are all up around my ears.
这下好了，网上传遍了。我肩膀都耸起来到我耳旁了。
Look, I'm too tense to even shake my head "no" at that liar woman, which was gonna be my key move.
你看，紧张到都没办法对那女骗子摇头反对了，这可是我最重要的动作呢。
I need a massage, but I'm broke.
我好需要按摩，但我又没钱去。
Caroline, I'll give you a massage.
卡洛琳，我可以帮你按摩啊。
Get ready for a sad ending. And beginning, and middle.
准备好迎接失望的结尾。还有失望的开头以及过程。
There. Oh, yeah. How does that feel?
来啦。爽吧。感觉如何啊？
Like baby spiders are dancing on my shoulders.
感觉像小蜘蛛在我肩膀上跳舞。
You're the first Asian I've seen that can't give a massage.
你是我见过第一个不会按摩的亚洲人。
Hey, Caroline, I'll treat you and Max to a massage at my fancy spa.
卡洛琳，我请你跟麦克斯去我那家高档美容院按摩吧。
Cool! I've never been to a spa.
好啊！我从没去过呢。
The closest I've been is sticking my arm in the free blood pressure machine at Walgreens.
我做过最接近按摩的事也就是把手臂伸进药局里的血压测量计。
Wait, that's for your arm?
等等，那是给手臂用的吗？
Thanks for the massage, Han.
谢谢你帮我按摩，阿憨 。
It was very nice... Oh, you're still doing it. I had no idea.
你人真好...你还在按啊。我完全没感觉。
