Eddie: Nice Mike, try this on the duty tonight?
Mike: Will you just drop this whole thing? Luke and I aren't interested. Especially Luke.
Eddie: All right, we could do something else. Hey, what do you say we go down to the Burger Barn and hassle some high school kids?
Chrissy: Hi, Carol. Christina Lynn Seaver here. Friday after school, mommy took me to see "Beauty and the Beast." It stars a beautiful girl named Belle, and a big, hairy beast…
Ben (dressed as beast): (growling)
Ben: What did you do that for?
Chrissy: You scared me. Besides, it's my turn to talk to Carol, and you're messing it up.
Ben: But wouldn't it be much more fun if we showed how, you know, the beast grabbed Belle….
Chrissy: Mom!
Ben: Where are you going?
Chrissy: Upstairs. Call me when you get a clue.
Mike: Hey, Ben. Hey, have you seen Eddie?
Ben: No. Hey, maybe he decided to go down to the playground and hog the swings.
Mike: Hey, mom. Have you seen Eddie?
Maggie: You just missed him. He went off with Luke about fifteen minutes ago.
Mike: Where'd they go?
Maggie: They said they were going to pick something up at the grocery store.
Mike: And you let them go!
Ben: All right, mom. Now you gotta understand. This is very rough; it's a work in progress.
Maggie: Oh, honey, I'm sure it'll be great. I can't wait to see what you've done.
Ben (as announcer): Attention, Carol Ann Seaver. This is your video letter. Seavermania '92. The Seaver family marches on. On Saturday, dad was off to yet another psychiatric convention to catch up on late-breaking techniques in therapy. Back at home, Chrissy's learning to make her bed. For a reward, mom and dad got her a pet. Chrissy named him "Grumpy," 'cause that's how he gets if you don't feed him. Speaking of food, the other day, mom made her famous tuna surprise. The love of your life, Dwight Halliburton, drops in all the time. Dwight's not the only one who's broken up; mom really misses her heart-to-heart talks with you. Meanwhile, Luke almost had a date, until her mother found out. Mike volunteered to detail your car. He also fumigated your room. Well, there's nothing left to say, but (on-screen) The End.
Ben: So. What do you think, mom? Pretty leading-edge, huh?
Maggie: Well, it's very clever, honey, but what happened to all that stuff you shot around the house?
Ben: I'd rather watch kelp.
Maggie: But it was the family.
Ben: So what's your point?
Maggie: I think you should put it back in.
Ben: Mom, it's gotta have a little style if it's gonna be "une film de Ben Seaver."
Maggie: No, it's "une letter to Carol Seaver." Here's her last letter that she sent to us. You read it, and you decide what she wants to see.
[music, crowd noises]
Bouncer: Whoa, boy scout. You can't come in here without a password.
Mike: Oh, that's okay. I'm not trying to get in; I'm just looking for someone.
Bouncer: Yeah, right. And I'm McCauley Caulkin. Password.
Mike: Oh, oh, well I know it. It just slipped my mind. It's, uh, it's uh, bananas. Paper? Plastic?
Bouncer: Beat it, slimeball.
Mike: Look, uh, Mr. Funt. How's this for a password; a squadcar full of cops checking ID's?
Bouncer: Right this way, sir.
Mike: Okay, Luke, you're coming with me.
Luke: You got me mixed up with somebody else. My name's Jeraldo.
Melanie: Not the one you think.
Eddie: Mike, this is Charese and Melanie. They're widows. Why don't you take a seat with us, Mike. Come on, don't be rude to the girls. Come on.
Luke: Please, don't embarrass me.
Charese: You know, I have a friend who is just your type. (laughing) She'll be finished dancing there in fifteen minutes.
Mike: No, thanks. I'm seeing someone.
Eddie: Hey, Mike, it's okay to flirt. Kate's not gonna know.
Melanie: Who's Kate?
Eddie: Oh, she's the warden.
Luke: The one who cracks the whip.
Mike: Excuse me. Eddie, can I borrow your ear for a second?
Eddie: Sure.
Mike: Look, are you crazy for bringing Luke to a place like this?
Eddie: Hey, this is a classy joint. Do you see one spinning tassel?
Mike: Eddie, this has nothing to do with spinning tassels. It has to do with bringing a minor into a nightclub.
Eddie: Mike, are you turning fogey on me? I mean, maybe we can get out of here and go find a hot game of bingo! And then tomorrow we can put on our dark socks with our plaid shorts, and drive around town at two miles an hour. With our left blinker going the whole time.
Mike: Fine. Now go ahead and make fun of me, Eddie. Now you may think that I'm an old fogey, but I think you're a bad influence on Luke.
Eddie: Hey, thanks, man.
Mike: I'm serious, Eddie. Now I don't want you hanging around with him anymore.
Eddie: Why?
Mike: Because you're sleazy. You're irresponsible, and you're immature. In fact, I don't even know why I hang out with you.
Charese: Come on, Eduardo, let's dance.
Luke: I'm thinking of having my own talk show.
Mike: Excuse me, Jeraldo. Can I borrow your ear for a second?
Maggie: Morning, sweatheart. Want some breakfast?
Mike: No thanks, mom. I'm not hungry. Mom, would you answer me one question? What on Earth possessed you and dad to ever let me hang out with a jerk like Eddie? I mean, we did all kinds of bad stuff. We TP'd houses, we snuck into an X-rated movie…
Maggie: How X?
Mike: Well, I don't know. During the opening credits, Eddie hyperventilated.
Maggie: Mike, your dad and I let you hang out with Eddie because you liked him.
Mike: Well, who wouldn't? I mean, the guy was fun and unpredictable. I mean, he was the only guy I knew who could open up a soda bottle with his zipper.
Maggie: So what's changed?
Mike: Me! I'm sorry, mom, but calling a restaurant and paging "Seymore Butts" doesn't amuse me anymore.
Maggie: Come on, it's not fair to judge Eddie on pranks he pulled five years ago.
Mike: He did it last night!
Maggie: So you think you'd be better off if you and Eddie had never been friends?
Mike: Maybe.
Maggie: Mike, you've grown a lot over the past few years. Maybe Eddie's growth is just a little….
Mike: Stunted?
Maggie: Come on, you've been friends since you've been kids. Eddie's part of who you are today.
Mike: Mom, come on, I haven't given someone a wedgie in months. I…I just wish he grow up.
Maggie: What? Be more like you? Mike, did ever puzzle you Eddie stopping. Eddie might not like you?
Mike: That's just take him or leave him, just the way he is?
Maggie: Yeah. I'm sure that deep inside Eddie wants to grow up…someday.
Mike: Oh, right. Here's the man who once told a woman "it's okay, I'm a blind brassiere designer."
Eddie: Just came to get my stuff. Don't worry, I'll throw myself down the stairs.
Mike: Hey, Eddie, last night I said a lot of stupid things.
Eddie: Yeah, you got that right.
Mike: And then again you did a lot of stupid things.
Eddie: Oh, great apology, Mike. This is a real "Family Ties" kind of moment here.
Mike: Hey, come on, Eddie. What happened to us? Huh? We were so tight. I mean, we used to laugh at each other's jokes before we even said 'em.
Eddie: What happened was, you started thinking you were better than me.
Mike: Not better; different.
Eddie: Better.
Mike: Different. I mean, I am in a steady loving relationship, and you prey on innocent widows. I mean, and I have a responsible job, and you hock towels at a floating bathhouse. And I'm trying to help raise a 16-year-old boy, so he doesn't turn out to be someone….
Eddie: Like me?
Mike: (sighing) I have been acting like I'm better than you.
Eddie: The prosecution rests.
Mike: Eddie, maybe I have been acting like an old fogey. But listen, I don't have all the answers. I mean, heck, sometimes I'm standing in front of my class, and all I wanna do is help 'em make spitballs, because you and I made 'em better than they ever could.
Eddie: Kids today; no attention to quality. Mike, do you think I want to be a towel boy forever? I look at you, and I think, compared to me, you really got it together. What if I never make anything of my life, huh?
Mike: Aw, come on Eddie. Hey, you got loads of time. You're smart, and you're likeable. I mean, it'll happen for you.
Eddie: Am I imagining, or we got a bonding thing going here?
Mike: Hey, I've never seen you this, I don't know, human. I like it.
Eddie: Yeah. This is great, huh?
Mike: Yeah, isn't it?
Eddie: Yeah. If you buy this, the widows are gonna eat it up.
Maggie: Jason, I'm so glad you got back in time to see the video Ben made for Carol.
Chrissy: I'm sitting next to daddy.
Ben: All right. Now don't expect too much; I still have to cut three hours out of this.
Jason: Whoa!
Maggie: No, just kidding. He's kidding. Go ahead, honey. Roll it.
Ben: Dear Carol, I heard you were feeling a little homesick. Well cheer up. It happens to the best of us when we're away from the people we care about. We hope this video will bring you a smile, and remind you of home.
Maggie: Hi, Carol. Ben was nice enough to tape me doing my daily chores, so honey you just pretend you're here doing the laundry with me.
Chrissy: It's my birthday, yes indeed. How any candles do I need? One, two, three years old. Four, five, six years old. That's it, what else do you want me to do?
Ben: Say goodbye.
Chrissy: Goodbye, Carol. Oh, P.S., come home quick. Ben's driving me crazy.
Ben: Now, uh, Carol, uh, in answer to your letter; I miss you, too. I know we've had our differences, but I care about you, and I want you to come home soon.
Maggie: That was terrific, honey.
Jason: We're proud of you, Ben.
Ben: Well, it's not finished yet. I want to get one more shot of the whole family waving to Carol.
Maggie: Well, that's great. Where's Mike?
Mike (outside): Come on, come on!
Chrissy: What's that?
Mike: Come on, let's go, let's go!
Eddie: Shoot it, come on, chicken, you don't want that!
Jason: Guys, it's 40 degrees out here. What are you doing?
Mike: Freezing this little weasel's tail off!
Eddie: Oh, yeah? Well, we'll see who the weasel is!
Mike: Missed!
Jason: Maggie, they're playing in their underwear.
Maggie: I know; isn't it wonderful?
Ben: Everybody, come on, wave to Carol.
Entire family: Bye, Carol. Come back soon. We miss you.
[on screen: We miss you Carol. We miss you, Tracey.]